This year . . . Man, it's been kind of the absolute worst. Oh, there's been moments of supreme happiness and warmth but these last few months have been the most trying for me. Every day I feel like I take one step forward and two more back. To say that this time has been trying is putting it lightly. You see, grief isn't this this thing that I can take on and off or leave at home when I don't feel like dealing with it. It's this constant weight that lives with me. And I don't know that I'm managing all that well. I know that I'm not the same person I used to be, not by a stretch . . . But I'm trying. I'm really trying. Losing my Mom was like losing a part of myself that I will never ever get back, and I know that I'm not going to be the same after that. She was one of my brightest lights in this world, and she was one of my anchors. There was no one like my Mother, there was no one I can talk to like I could talk to my Mama, and I just don't really know who I am without that. Losing Mom was kind of the tip of the iceberg with this depression/grief situation I've got going on. There's so much more tied to loss of a loved one than planning a memorial and saying goodbye. There was dealing with her stuff, her clothes, furniture, jewelry, etc... Watching the sweet life that she created move on was difficult, but I'm not working and I need the money, so there ya go.
The other thing . . . That I never put on FB or shared with anyone outside of who already knew, was that I had a miscarriage right after losing Mom. When I found out we were pregnant; we were over the moon. I had this fu**king fairy tale built up in my mind, like God took my Mama from me but left me with this beautiful gift. When we went in for our first appointment, the baby didn't have a heartbeat. A whole new devastation took place after that. I remember holding Phillip's hand, so excited to hear that flutter and have the room go quiet because there was nothing there. All I could feel at that point was sorry, sorry to my sweet husband, sorry to my Dad . . . Just sorry. After that we needed to get the F outta town, and we did. Took my Pop to some Dodger games, and went to Laguna . . . Released my sweet Mother back into the universe, and went to Disneyland . . . Where I proceeded to full-out miscarry. It was the most physical pain I have ever been in in my life, but like all physical pain . . It passed, and we were back to enjoying our lives the next day. I'm crying writing about this . . . 1 in 4 women lose their babies and no one really talks about that . . . I find it ironic, really . . . I spent my 20s trying NOT to get pregnant and now all I want to do is have my husband's baby. He takes it all in stride because he's wonderful and amazing in every way, but losing mom, losing baby, not working all of this is taking it's toll on me. And I want to be better, I want to be the me that loves life and truly lives. I want to be the me that's happy joyous and free. I want to be the me that my Mommy would be proud of. I feel like I've become a shell of my self, and I gotta tell ya I don't love it.
So, I'm running out of money, which is just fantastic!!! And I'm trying to go back to work. I've been trying really, but not getting any bites. Thankfully, I got a job offer that I really like. I'm just not crazy about the hours, but I'll do what I have to do in order to contribute to my household and not be more of a burden on my sweet husband, who I'm sure should be sainted by now, really. I have an interview tomorrow for a position that I reaalllyyyy want, but the way things have been going lately . . . The things that I want really haven't been panning out. Today was not a good day for me. It started out sad and just got worse from there. I write, that's my outlet, this is the only thing that takes some of the sting out. And I still hurt . . . I constantly hurt.
I'm feeling really lost, and a bit hopeful . . . If that makes sense at all. Because if there's anything I've learned in the last years it's that this too shall pass.