Friday, December 26, 2008

Staring at 30....

In just about 48 hours I will be 30 years old. Ughhh, I'm excited because it's my birthday, but I have mixed emotions about being 30 in general. When my parents turned 30, I was 7 years old and they were buying their second home. Both owned their own businesses and had a great life. I myself have a great life, I just thought I'd be further along with it than I am now. Granted, I had to start life over at 26. I pretty much had to start from scratch when I got sober... but 30?! I never expected that I would live this long, and here it is... 30, I'm staring at it like I'm looking down the barrel of a gun. No boyfriend,no husband and no kids. I have almost 4 years of recovery under my belt, a great job and a happy wonderful amazing life.... So what am I bitching about?! I recently "broke up" with my significant other. we had been seeing one another for about 3 months or so, which, by the way is an excellent amount of time to get to know someone.He's a great guy, just not the one for me.. I need a spiritual connection with someone, and we didn't have that.
I refuse to try and force something that isn't there, but yet another relationship has failed. I have to hold onto the hope that God has someone planned for my. My girls say that I already know him, I just don't know it yet... Interesting. So here I am, 2 days away from being dirty 30 and not a whole lot to show for it...At least not by society's standards anyway, by my own standards, I'm doing alright :) A hell of a lot better than I ever was before anyway.
Sometimes life throws a curve ball, and after a couple of swings and misses, I hit it just enough to get on base...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


Sometimes people have left my life and I have thought to myself,"Self, we had fun while we were together" Or some other equally deep thought. my point is there are a couple of people who meant the world to me and we went on different paths. That's okay, that's life and that's what happens. However, in the last week, one of those people has come back in my life with a vengeance and I'm not really sure how to take it. I miss him deeply and I've always held on to him in some abstract way, but now here he is, asking for my friendship again. So my heart and my head are going crazy with wonder, is there a chance, is that what I even want.... I don't know

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A Reason, A Season, Or A Lifetime

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. However, everyone that comes into our lives has some impact, some purpose, some lesson to teach. Usually the lesson comes later, much to my chagrin, I seem to learn things only after it's too late :) There are many people in my life that have come and gone, some are still there and have been for more than 20 years. They say if you can go through life with one true friend you are lucky, well I have that. I'm blessed enough to have had the same best friend since I was born, we are going on 30 years of solid true friendship. I look at the history I have with people and I'm amazed. I'm amazed that we still talk haha, I'm amazed at whatever thread is still holding us in each others life. I'm amazed at how much things seem to change but in reality how much they stay the same....
I have gotten to live 2 lives in 1 lifetime. Cats have 9 lives... Joey has had 2 thus far. I'm staring at 30 like I'm looking down the barrel of a gun and all I can do is reflect on the changes that have taken place in the last 4 years. I was unemployable, alone and living in my own prison, I was a slave to alcohol and drugs and wondering just how in the hell I had gotten there. I had no idea how I went from being a good kid with a bright future to living like an animal. I drank and used drugs like it was my job. It started out fun, I had a good time at first, but slowly as the years passed, I slipped deeper and deeper into oblivion. I lost a lot, rather, I gave away a lot. I didn't lose anything really, I chose to let those things go because I chose a life of peril. Actually, drugs and alcohol took away my power of choice, I lost that too. I was a slave in every sense of the word. God gave me an opportunity and I took it, I attacked my chance at new life with every fiber of my being and you know what? It's better than I could have ever imagined. I have been given a gift, and I choose not to waste that today. Today I choose life, I wake up every morning and I make a conscious choice to live my life sober. I have an awesome family,amazing friends, a sweetheart, a rad job. I am happy, truly happy. I'm a functioning, productive member of society. Things just keep getting better. That's not to say that life doesn't happen or that I don't get sad, because I do. There has been much pain and suffering over the last few years, I've buried people that I love, I've weathered the storm of heartbreak, but I haven't had to struggle alone, I have God's love carrying me through any storm that comes in life. I have a beautiful set of friends that are there to help me walk through whatever life has in store. We weren't meant to fight our battles alone, that's why God gave us each other. This is the time of year to reflect, to experience true gratitude for the life that I have today...

Saturday, November 22, 2008


I went and saw the movie Twilight last night, it's caught hell from the critics, but I loved it, so did my good friend who was with me. The movie is based on the first book of an amazing series by Stephanie Meyers. It's about a young girl who moves to the pacific northwest and falls in love with a vampire, yes it's hokey! Sometimes it's fun to lose yourself in the impossible, to fall in love with a perfect being that we all know doesn't exist. Whether you're 13 or 43, trust me, you will fall in love with Edward Cullen. He's the ultimate dream guy, good looking, protective, funny and completely and totally unreal!! I think that's why I got so into these books; it gave me a chance to escape reality without the use of mind altering substances. I'm that woman who still loves Disneyland and fairy tales, who can completely lose herself in a good book. I finished all 4 of these books within 2 weeks. I would read until the wee hours of the morning, bring the book to work and read all through my lunch break. I now have to read them all again. this is one of those things that you just don't want to end!! It's fun to dream, I think that it's wonderful to still have fun with things like this, vampire love stories :) I will probably go see the movie again, and of course buy the DVD as soon as it comes out. As I write this, my perfectly wonderful boyfriend is asleep on the couch and I find myself wishing that he was a vampire!! Not really of course. He's fantastic... But in the undying words of Cyndi Lauper, "Girls just wanna have fun" And that's what these books, this movie, was. A chance for this girl to have fun, a chance to escape the nasty times that we are living in and a chance to believe the impossible... If only for a few hours!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

I love my friends

I have a blessed life, no matter what happens in the next few months at work, I am truly blessed and charmed. Not one day goes by that I don't thank God for the blessings in my life. I had a great night last night, I went to a meeting, had a great dinner with my friend and then on my way home stopped and saw my girls. These women have been by my side for more than a decade. They say if you get through life with one good friend that you are lucky. I have like 5 amazing women in my life who I know will always be there. We've been through a lot together. They saw me struggle with substance abuse and stood by me while I fought that battle, I've seen them get married, have kids, split up, remarry and raise their children beautifully. It's amazing to me how life comes full circle. It's wonderful in a place so close to Las Vegas, that's full of fake superficial people that I have this crew around me. True friends aren't the ones you call to bail you out of jail, true friends are the ones sitting in the cell with you saying "damn, oh well it was worth it!"

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Ch ch changes!

I am a native of Southern Nevada, having spent most of my life here; I have witnessed many things come and go, many changes in this city of sin. Is there anyone here that really loves it? Does anyone love Vegas? Or are we all here for some reason, as a means to an end? Something always brings me back. I escaped for a few years to sunny San Diego, I found much needed rest and relaxation and was able to get myself grounded for a while. when I finally came back here I felt ready. I have a whole new respect for this place. Vegas kicked my sweet ass and quickly. i was one of the lucky ones, I was able to get a handle on my insane life and come back here with a new found freedom. I have a love/hate relationship with this place that I call home, don't most people? I am conflicted, there's things that I love here, my family,my job. Then there's everything that I hate, but that's not just Vegas, that's most places in the fake plastic society that we live in today. when are people going to realize that it's not about money or stuff or the car you drive? Life is about the things we do when we are here. I'm going off on a bit of a tangent here, I realize this, however, there are certain things that matter and many things that don't. In times such as these that we live in, I feel it's important to focus on the things that matter, our family, our friends the love we have in our lives. Hug the people you love, tell them what they mean to you.... The wolf is always at the door.