Gratitude...

This is my favorite time of year.. I love the Holiday season, I always have since I was little.. The excitement of winter.. the fun of Christmas.. The spoiled-rotten feeling I get around my birthday and the New Year.. Always bringing a ray of hope, a new beginning.. I just wanted to take a minute and go over all of the things in my life that I;m grateful for today.. and every day...
My sweet parents.. their never ending love and support over the years.. never giving up on me, always believing in me.. I fully believe that God spared me to save my folks from any more heartbreak.. I'm grateful for my recovery, the fact that I get to live a clean and sober life.. That the obsession to use and drink has been lifted from me.. I'm grateful for my friends.. every group has one and I am theirs :) Their unconditional love makes me smile every day.
My job.. my little front desk job that has turned into a career... I wake up every day overwhelmed with the blessing that has been thrown my way.. A place to lay my head every night.. food in my belly.. A car to drive, cigs to smoke and coffee.. Music that moves me.. Old friends & new ones.. Huge big bear hugs, inside jokes... butterflies... these are all things that make me smile.. A great new song that I have to play until I hate it..
The memories that I remember and those that I seem to have forgotten along the way.. The chance to travel & see our beautiful country.. Kisses in the rain :)The chance to do what my Grandad always told me to do.. ENJOY YOUR LIFE!!!!! We only get one.. it's too short not to spend every minute that we can with the people we love..
I have a rule.. when someone crosses my mind; I call, text, email, fb.. whatever.. they're on my mind for a reason.. THese are just some things that stay on my mind sometimes, things that make me happy to be alive.. Things that I don't take for granted..
What are YOU grateful for today?

Bad Bad Bad Bad Boys.. They Make Me Feel So....

I'm boy crazy...
I know this...
I have been for as long as I can remember.
But more than any other guy out there..
I'm a sucker for a nice cool glass of trouble.
I love 'em!
I'm never surprised at how they behave,
yet I always kick myself for getting caught up...
So, I thought I'd walk in, get my needs met...
Break a head board or two...
And walk away.
I knew what I was getting into with this guy,
So why am I at all surprised by the outcome??
Cause I'm a boy-crazy hopeless romantic!
He sat across from me on purpose...
Burned holes in me with his eyes for an hour..
We flirted, he texted... we played like that for a few days.
We met for coffee..
Walked in the park..
Solved the world's problems by the light of my dashboard & the sounds of Massive Attack..
It was nice..
But I KNEW..
I knew the place he was in, both emotionally & mentally...
And that place was completely unavailable..
Sweet guy, handsome as sin with lips like sugar
But I've never seen a mess so hot!
Over the last few weeks we've had some great nights and epic talks..
Facts are facts.. There's just too much that I don't know..
My suspicion is that he's just not that into me..
And I have needs.. of which he can only meet one..
And one just isn't enough for me anymore..
My other suspicion is that he is just not capable of showing up & I get that..
But me thinks I am lying to myself..
So, where was I wrong & what did I learn??
Am I hurt? Did I hurt him?
Did I inadvertently create some expectation?
Communication would help, but I refuse to contact him..
He knows where I am..
At least I knew what I was getting!
This guy made no front about who he was or where he stood..
I appreciate that honesty, which brings me to this..
A word of advice guys, be who you are!
Don't put up some front that you're a nice guy
Or that you want more than you do.
Dating is nightmarish enough without having to figure out where your head is at!
If you're not into me..
Suck it up, grow a pair & say so!
I'd rather have my feelings hurt than not know...
Not knowing IS no, but I'd still like a solid response..
I've spent too much time chasing & I'm done!
Somehow, we've allowed men to forget their role and became the ones doing all the work..
What happened to the chase???
I'm tired of twisting myself into knots...
Is he into me? Is he not? Is he gonna call?
Should I call??
It's enough to drive a sane person crazy!!!!
OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The single life is rough... and there's no end in sight!!
Wish me luck...
Maybe Mr. Right is under the very next rock.....

Sex In The Big Bad City

Dating SUCKS! As baseball season draws to a close and my beloved Dodgers are not going to see October this year, I have to find something new to write about and well, this blog is not only about baseball, but how I would like to date a man who has some of the same passion for this beautiful sport as I do.. (No Giants fans need apply :))

So, back to dating sucking more than anything ever... I had a date last night with a guy who was and is NOT my type at all. I thought I'd try something different as my type doesn't generally work out.. Tall, skinny, tattooed & mean just isn't all it's cracked up to be.. Who knew?! For the sake of this piece, I am changing names so as not to put these poor guys & their idiocy on blast.. So we'll call him June. This young man is nice, good looking, good job, seemed to be spiritual, doesn't live here but he's close enough. He invited me to dinner. Great! I picked the restaurant, met him there, we have great conversation, he's laughing at my jokes and I'm laughing at his.. Then.. the bill came. Now, I have no cash on me, I'm under the assumption that this is a date, he called, he asked me out and blah blahbity blah blah, so I go for my wallet and we both throw our cards on the table and he says to the server, just split it down the middle (even though he ate most of my Pad Thai.. but I'm splitting hairs here) My card got declined because God has a sick sense of humour! It was one of the most uncomfortable situations of my life.. He has since been deleted.. Bye. Even my guy friends pick up the check and they KNOW I'm not putting out! I have a pretty fantastic mentor in my life and she has given me some lessons on this over the years.. one of them is that when a guy asks me out, I need to let him be a guy...

This little mortifying situation got me thinking about the numerous and equally mortifying situations that I have been in since Scooter and I broke up in December of '08. First, I dated NO ONE for months. For years I had been a serial monogamist and after he & I split, the insanity needed to stop!!! And stop it did, I put the focus back on myself and God's kids, getting fit and enjoying my life. I gave myself time to heal from all of my past stuff and low & behold, I started meeting quality guys. Guys I liked, who treated me with respect and kindness (Who picked up the bloody check) and so it began..

One made me laugh, which is key.. but ultimately was not what I was looking for.. too much stuff. We went out for a total of 7 days and I clipped it. Cool.. Moving on... I met the Dentist and Russian Gunnar at the same time, both equally awesome in totally different ways. The Russian Gunnar was moving to a far away place & the Dentist? Well, we went out a couple times, then he stood me up... twice.. No bueno. He's just not that into me. Moving on!!! Russian Gunnar ended up being an absolutely stellar dude, he raised the bar for me and showed me that all good men are not dead in the heart and in the head. I miss him, and I know our paths will cross again someday...

Then there was Rube whose ideas of sex and intimacy were so childish that my head spun around on itself.. The things he said to me had my bra-burning feminist friends in a frenzy... I was just embarrassed, then real frikkin pissed! Next was my friend, who I had been casually flirting with for a couple of years, we crossed a line and he turned into a huge tool. Mr. I Don't Want A Relationship was in one mere days after our tryst... yeah, I haven't really dealt with that too much. So that's it, oh, well there's also the friend zone where I seem to end up more often than not.. I can't help it, I'm a bomb ass chick & I love sports, I also have a very soft and nurturing heart...

If you're married or in a long-term relationship.. STAY THAT WAY!!!! It's a bitch out here for real! It's a process.. Seeing what's out there, deciding what I like what I don't.. and if nothing else, my ridiculous love life is fodder for my friends at work who are all happy and cozy in their relationships.. :) I have some amazing men in my life, guys that would lay down and die for me, guys that see me hurt and immediately go into warrior mode... Most are related to me :) But my guy friends are my brothers and they take good care of your girl. I don't hate men.. That's not what this is about at all! I love guys! Love 'em! I love the way they smell, how they act, the stupid shit they do and the inappropriate jokes.. Love 'em

At some point, I gotta wonder what it is about me... Or what I'm doing that attracts these guys... Maybe God really does have a sick sense of humour :) Whatever the case may be, I'm not giving up.. Not now.. and not ever.. He's out there somewhere and if I have to deal with every toad on the planet to find my prince, you bet your sweet ass I'll do it with a gracious smile, and an open mind.

One Year....

One year ago today, a light went out in this world.... The Earth we walk became a little bit darker with the passing of Adam Goldstein. His death was shocking, and painful and sad. It made some of us question everything.. Here was a man who had been through hell, survived and lived to tell about it. Here was a man that despite, his physical pain, he managed to constantly help others.. He was an inspiration to me and I only met the man twice. I have no idea why I felt the connection with him that I felt or why his passing affected me so deeply. I fight the same demons that Adam fought and when I'm searching for peace, when I'm trying to make sense out of a senseless situation... My instinct is to look for reason. Finding logic is the only way that I can make peace with this. After some prayer and meditation, the logic that I found was this: Adam doesn't have to fight his demons anymore.. Adam's soul is at peace and we all carry him with us, no matter how well we each knew him. This man touched the lives of so many different people in ways that I don't even understand.

I have a friend who is very dear to my heart, who I believe is alive today because of Adam. AM showed my friend a new way of life and , I have no doubt that Adam was instrumental in this friend being alive today, for that, I am forever grateful.

I miss him. I wonder if he ever knew what joy he brought to the people around him. I wonder if he had any idea that he touched people that he never even knew (like me) whose lives changed dramatically because of his presence. I understand being angry at him, or thinking that he gave up.. I get it, but if you're holding on to that.. let it go. Relish in the memories that you have... embrace the lessons that he left and live his legacy.. Love God and help His kids. We weren't put on this planet for ourselves. We are here to be of service.. to help others along their path. We never know the full impact that someone has in our lives until they are gone. This life is temporary, our time here is short, so make it matter.

He never meant to leave us the way that he did, and I have no doubt that when his soul left this earth, that he was greeted with open arms and a "job well done". Rest In Peace.. You are missed and loved more than you ever knew...

Pony League??

Soooo, even though I'm up in the sticks in Wisconsin, I still manage to follow my baseball team with a sort of religious fervor.. And boy oh boy has this been an interesting little week. Let's start with John Ely walking off the field after only getting two outs... Head in the game much?? I love the guy, but come on!!! Anyone remember Milton Bradley's debacle of last year?... I digress...

James Loney is an outstanding ball player, and was a bad base runner the other night.. He knew better but got caught in a pickle!! A pickle!! They call it a rundown in the bigs, but we all know what it is, it's a pickle :) so, between bad base running and our starting pitcher leaving the field after two outs.. Tie ball game, bottom of the ninth.. and Casey Blake on third.. I love him. I love that he did this. A veteran... Playing Pony League ball.. it was beautiful!!

Blake goaded the inexperienced pitcher into a balk.. When a pitcher balks,the pitch is nullified and each runner is awarded a base... In this case the base happened to be home plate.. So, the boys in blue win by a walk-off balk... A balk off if you will..

Ladies, according to the rules of baseball a pitcher must pitch the ball, he is restricted to a certain set of motions and one of two basic pitching positions before and during a pitch; if these are violated with one or more runners on base, a balk is called.

So the bearded Blake, wins by some magical Pony League sneaky play and it's kind of awesome! The next game, which was yesterday, the kid Ely hits the dugout with two outs :) and both benches clear as Russy Martin slides into second trying to break up a double play.. A walk off home run wins it.

I don't know much, but I know this team and its magic, every season brings something unexpected and spectacular.. They keep home alive and now that Dre is back, it's anyone's year!

The most beautiful place in my world is Dodger Stadium. It really is a sliver of heaven right here on Earth. I feel like God gave us this gift to enjoy and share with us. When they boys are winning and the sun is shining, there is nowhere else I'd rather be. I don't know when this love affair began with this sport, this team.. But I know that it is in my blood and makes up the very fiber of my being. From April through October I am excited and happy. I will watch any game, at any time and be happy about it.

I remember being a teenage girl, my parents had split and I was angry at them both for reasons that I couldn't understand.. I did the bounce back between them and when I was with my Dad, there were moments that were strained. We would turn on the ball game and all of a sudden, the lines of communication were open... It's the magic of baseball. Recently, my sweet Mama has taken a huge interest in the sport and it is just about the cutest thing ever to witness her excitement and answer her questions.

I don't know much, but I do know this.. Any man that wants to roll with me must love baseball. He has to be able to understand the gorgeousness of a 6-4-3 double play, or be able to talk me down from the tower when anxiety about our struggling relief pitchers or trades keep me up at night. He has to not be afraid of my anger at a blown save and understand why I'm in a fetal position after a devastating playoff loss.

I'm an irrational Dodger fan. I know this about myself, I know that it is complete silliness to love Jeff Weaver... Completely banana sandwich to think that we should have held on to Juan Pierre and let Manny go bye bye.. I believe that Casey Blake's batting average is in direct proportion to the fullness of his beard and no matter how much I want to, I just can't muster too much faith in Ramon Truncoso...

My Heart Beats Baseball

It's April.... April is magic to me. April begins the season of baseball... Baseball, a beautiful soap opera complete with sunflower seeds and statistics. The poetry of 6-4-3 double play, watching the infield shift to the right or the left, depending on which way the batter pulls the ball and then the ultimate slap.. an intentional walk. When Barry Bonds used to play, the bases would be loaded and they would intentionally walk him. They would WALK IN A RUN, the manager's thinking was that one run is better than 4 if he hit a home run.. Which, he probably would. Bonds hit a lot of those. Enough about him and the stinking Giants. It's in my blood to despise them, so I do. No other explanation necessary. I don't remember when I fell in love with this sport, or how I came to have such a passion for it, or at what age I became so emotionally invested in this team that when they lose, my heart actually hurts. Last year when Broxton blew the save against Philly, I hit my knees in distress. "There's always next year" started running through my head. I love baseball, I love the crack of the bat, the heckling of umpires, the smell of the stadium and the fact that to me, there is no better place on Earth than Dodger Stadium when the boys are winning. When the crowd is roaring and a home run gets hit, the place goes off. Tonight was special, tonight was Jackie Robinson night and all the teams wore #42 in his honor. Jackie was a Dodger and they pulled out a win tonight and that's no coincidence. Sometimes I wish that I was a normal girl who didn't care about a team or sports or winning a series, I wish that because it hurts bad when they lose.. But it's all good when we win again. Tonight was good, the bottom of the 10th inning, Blake Dewitt gets a base hit, the D backs intentionally walk Rafael Furcal to get to Andre Ethier. .. Let me repeat this.. they intentionally walked Furcal to get to Andre Ethier. For anyone reading this, Dre is a notoriously good clutch hitter. He had 6b game winning hits last season.. Six. And they walked someone to get to him, with runners in scoring position. Due to a wild pitch, Dewitt & Furcal advanced. Right handed pitcher faces left handed Dre and Dre belts one over the head of Chris Young. Dewitt scores, Dodgers win and everybody's happy. Tomorrow we face the G-Men.. ughhhhh division rivals and they always have our number... But for tonight I am going to sit back, relax and enjoy the small victory that just came our way. At age 10 I was jumping on our couch cause they had just one the world series.. 22 years ago... Who knows, maybe this is our year! I bleed Dodger Blue, I always have and I forever will.

Serendipity...

Sometimes the sun shines when it's supposed to rain... Sometimes a connection is made when the moon is full and the night ends with a beautifully painted pink sky. Sometimes, you find the perfect place at the perfect time and someone says the perfect, sweetest words that you've ever heard. Sometimes the stars line up in perfect formation and God smiles on us and says " This is for you.. Enjoy" Sometimes you are giuded home by a light and greeted with a very loud train, sometimes things make sense that really have no business making sense. Sometimes we take chances... and sometimes they pay off...

Why Women Are An Optical Illusion

I've put some serious thought into this matter.... Stay with me! Every morning I wake up, (Hopefully!) rub the sleep from my eyes, shake the dreams from my hair and set about my morning routine. The woman that greets me in the mirror is not the same one that faces the world every day. The personality is the same, feelings, emotions, all the things that make me me are there... but she looks quite different from the person you see at work, at play, at the gas station.. Wherever! It begins with makeup and hair, I fight with my hair every day to straighten out the wave that I inherited from my father, or I use a ton of product to enhance the natural curl that my mother has graced me with. Either way, it's not real. The color has been changed multiple times in 16 years, I think it was light brown once, but since I was a freshman, it has been, blue, purple, red, blond and finally blue/black... Next is makeup, foundation to cover the blemishes that I never had as a teenager, but as an adult, they pop up almost daily.. Like a new friend.. Joy. Eyeshadow to enhance my eye color, lipstick to make them appear more puffy and kissable :) Who doesn't want more kissable lips right?! the next step is clothing, a heftily padded bra to make it appear as if I have much more of a chest than I actually do.. Clothes that work for my curvy figure and last but certainly not least are shoes.... I stand 5'10" barefoot (according to my drivers license :)) and I tend to wear heels that make me about 6'2" or so... The girl who walks out the door is a tall, svelte made up lady who is ready to take on the world, she looks far different from the one who just woke up.
Why do we do it? Why do we put on the war paint and head out to do battle? Well, because it is a battle out there, we're fighting for jobs, men, to be taken seriously.. all of these things. We also feel better when we can out on a face and face the world.. Pardon my redundant use of the word face...
The illusion creates confidence, helps us to nurture that little girl inside who liked to play dress up. This past week, I was in close quarters with a guy who is prety special, and the idea of him seeing me without makeup was horrifying at first.. Until I realized that silliness was all in my head..
No matter how we face the world, we are all beautiful creatures of light. Women are magic and mystery, a pretty package to be unwrapped and discovered.. At the end of the day, when the pretty clothes come off, the war paint has been washed and my jammies are on, I realize that I'm just as comfortable with myself as I was before..
Weird food for thought, I've been going back and forth with this one for quite some time.