Wednesday, May 10, 2017


Lessons I learned from my Gram:

1 - Your husband better always be your boyfriend

2 - It's better to be single than wish you were

3 - If you cheat at cards, your Grandad will NEVER play a game with you again

4 - It's bad luck to have 2 people change the sheets

5 - Looks fade & money doesn't always last, find someone that makes you laugh

6 - Homemade lemon bars are great, but Betty Crocker is easier

7 - If your problems can be fixed with money, then they're not that bad

8 - There are no exes in this family and there are no steps

9 - No is a complete sentence

10 - When in doubt, stay out of it

11 - Take your time to find the perfect cove

Today marks one year since my tiny Grandmother shuffled off this mortal coil. She was a pretty rad lady, all 4'10" of her. She and my Grandad were relationship goals. They were married for 47 years, raised 4 kids, umpteen grandkids and a few great grandkids. She lived through the Depression, an alcoholic husband, and raised my Dad & My Auntie on her own until my Grandad came along. Their story is one that I read about in my books. She was small in stature and huge in spirit. If you've ever seen That 70s Show, Red & Kitty Foreman are my grandparents.

My Gram was working at the phone company and so was my Grandad, Jack. He asked her out a lot and she said no a lot. She said "I have two small kids at home and I need to be home with them" Sick of being rejected, my Grandad said o her "If I bring the meat will you cook it?" and that was that. Fast forward 6 months, she comes home from work and he's sitting on the couch with a big ol dress box. "Jack", she says "what's in the box?" and he looks at her and says "it's all our bills, and I'm trying to figure out with all these bills, and all these kids how we can afford to get married." And that... was that. They drove to Vegas on 5 bucks and got married. They had a really beautiful life, and they set a foundation for the rest of us, an example of what relationships are supposed to look like.

I've been blessed with a bevy of stellar women that shaped and molded me into the woman I am today, I'm eternally grateful for the strong, take no shit ladies that taught me how to live, and were always there to carry me through my messes. So, today, I honor my Gram with my words, I celebrate her unique personality and I value the lessons that she taught me.

This picture is me in the 7th grade, astride my mare, Foxy.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Mother's Day

May is not an easy month for me. It's my Mom's month. On May 30th, she would have been 64, and she celebrated her birthday all month. A tradition, that my Dad seems to have picked up as well. In between May Day and her birthday is Mother's Day. My Mama was a Diva to her core, and she liked to be spoiled, and I liked to do nice things for her when I could. Right now, I wanna hurl shit at the television every time a Mother's Day commercial comes on or I get an email or some ad on Facebook "would Mom love this?" yes, yes she would have. It's been almost 2 years since she died, and I still miss her every day. It's not the same gut wrenching, sharp pain that I felt at the beginning, but it's still there. This constant ache and reminder that something important is missing.

I am my Mother's child through and through. I am the embodiment of a flower child and a construction worker. I am the best parts of these people, and I am so grateful for the parents that I was given. I know a lot of people don't have it so good, and I was and am always happy to loan out my folks. Even though it's been almost 2 years, I'm still getting used to being motherless.. Most days it's okay, but lately with all the Mother's Day brouhaha everywhere, it makes me wanna break shit. I'm so aware that she's not physically here and it's like... glaring.

* Sideyes everything and internalizes Hallmark holiday bullshit*

Don't mind me. I'm just feeling sorry for mahself.... The reality is that I'm not the first person to lose a parent. Many people have been through this. In fact, just in my circle of friends alone there's like 5 of us who have lost a parent in the last few years. It's a level of grown up that I don't really think I'm ready for, and I don't feel all that equipped to deal with big things like Mother's Day or her birthday or the anniversary of her death.

My Mom was the balance between my Dad and I. She softened us, she made us better. She was funny without meaning to be, she was calming, and kept a peaceful home. She had a heart bigger than Texas and she always had room at her table. She wasn't without fault. She was human, and she was . . . . Special ;-) But my Mom embodied true love. She met EVERYONE where they were. She didn't judge people, or ask them to be anything different than exactly who they were. She was never quiet about her faith, but she didn't hit anyone over the head with it either. She was just fuckin' cool. In every way a person could be. So yeah, I miss her. I miss doing stuff with her. I've talked it about a lot here, but this is my little space in the world, where I can vomit out my thoughts.

So, nothing new. I miss my Mommy. Hug yours if you can, make Sunday special for her in some type of way and to all my friends that are Mamas or soon to be <3 I have all the love in the world for you. Raising kids does NOT look easy, and I know raising me was not a walk in the park. I'm rebellious and cantankerous on a good day, but my Mama saw through all that to the core of who I am and loved me through it. I miss her, but fuck am I grateful for the 36 years that I had with her.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Beware!!!! Super rambly post ahead ;-)

I spend a lot of time in the car. For the record, I LOVE my car. It's vain and ridiculous but I love it. ANYWAY - I do some of my best thinking while driving and listening to music that stirs my soul, and today on my morning commute I was reflecting on how damn lucky I am to live the life that I live. The world is burning, and there is so much ugliness out there. I'm not getting into it here, because we all read the same feeds on the book of face and the twitters and the snappy chattys. There's no need for me to dissect it all. If you read this, or you know me at all, you know I lean left.

I am coming out of the worst depression of my life. PTSD & high anxiety absolutely crippled me from 2015 on. My go-to coping skills used to be drugs, booze, and sex, but I never had to deal with anything real before. So, when life hit me over the head with Thor's hammer, I didn't know what to do with myself. Prayer, meditation and meetings gave me a little bit of peace, but the pain that I was in was immeasurable. I ate my feelings and spent too much money on crap I didn't need just so that I could feel better for five fucking minutes. As a result, I'm heavier than I have ever been and I've got some substantial debt. But these are things that I can fix. And for the first time in a long time, I want to. I'm ready to make the changes that I need to make in order to be my best self. I've set some goals already - finishing my book and getting a new job, and these are goals that I've reached, and it feels good! Setting attainable goals, conquering them, this has done WONDERS for my self esteem. I'm back on a healthy eating plan, and paying down my debt as best as I can. I'm pretty open about who I am and the stuff I go through, life is messy, and weird and needs to be talked about. We all put up our highlight reel and that's what we show the world, but my highlight reel has some glitches in it, and those glitches have made me who I am.

But this is all old news to anyone who follows me or reads this stream of consciousness. It's been 2 years since I left Zappos, and just like I stumbled into that job, I've stumbled my way into this one too. It's kinda perfect. Beautiful, messy, and fitting.

I can't describe how it feels to feel like myself again. For so long, I was a shell. And there's a few people who carried me through that. We weren't meant to walk this world alone and I literally have NO idea how I got so lucky as to have the relationships that I have, but I'm forever in gratitude about it. I think that that's something that we all need to remember, especially now when things in the world are so uncertain and scary.

I'm grateful for my sobriety, I have felt awkward, insecure, and uncomfortable in my skin for as long as I can remember and getting sober changed a lot of that for me. I'm always grateful for my Dude. Everyone that I ever "dated" told me that I was too much. Too loud, too opinionated, too extra, just too. And Philly has accepted me exactly as I am from jump, he challenges me in the best ways, and he makes me want to be better. My Dad, my constant strength in this life. He forever has my back, has always been present. I married a rockstar dude because I had a rockstar Dad. I have the best friends in the whole wide world, seriously. Both in person and online, my friends believe in me, and give me the strength I need to face every day. My authors and books have given me a much needed escape and a safe community where I feel okay not being okay. I'm grateful for great music that sounds great loud as hell, and my midlife crisis car.

I feel like this is similar to my last post, but I don't care. It's important to me to counter all the yuck in the world with something loving. I say this ALL THE TIME and it will never ever not be true, I have been blessed with abundance, and born into privilege that I absolutely do not deserve. I strive every day to be a better human, and to make my little corner of the world a better place. Thank you to each and every soul who has stood by me and guided me on this journey.

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Stuff and Things. . .

Man, I am 100% terrible about keeping up with this blog, and life events . . . Jeeez. So, some new stuff is happening and I thought I'd share with my 12 followers what's going on!!

First - I finished my book!!!! I did I did! It's with an editor at the mo, but as soon as I get my edits back and revised that sucker is going up on the 'Zon. I am going to self publish, not for any other reason than I just want to get it up and out into the world. I don't know if it'll reach anyone or if anyone will like it, but writing my story has been the goal of my life for as long as I can remember and it's done, yo! So, if you're into the way I spin words, give it a look see. I'm hoping to have it up within the next month. I'll post the buy link here there and everywhere.

Next, I got a new job!!!! YAYHAY!!!!! I have been looking for somewhere to land ever since I left Zappos and while I loved working in treatment, at the time I was suffering from PTSD and depression, and was not in a great mental place to be dealing with alcoholics and addicts in their cups. However, that job was the most fulfilled I had ever been while at work. My next gig in recruiting was pretty much terrible in every way, and I was looking for something new almost immediately upon starting there. I am not a job hopper, hell, I was at Zappos for 7+ years. I like to bloom where I'm planted and grow with an organization, so having two different jobs in the span of a year was not awesome. I gave it the old college try though, I did. The money was good and the schedule was something I could live with, but my soul was dying. I'm not being dramatic either, so don't go getting me a fainting couch just yet. Through the boyfriend of a friend I have landed as an assistant in a law firm. Some days I feel really out of my depth but I've been here a little over a month and I gotta tell ya . . . I love it. I'm learning so much and everyone is super nice, there's a lax dress code and some schedule flexibility. It feels good to be happy at work again. I like the work, I like the people and I think they like me, but who knows really.

I'm coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my Mother's death and I'm just now starting to feel like myself again. I had always prided myself on my strength and fortitude, and my ability to face life on life's terms and do it with an attitude. My Mom getting sick really threw me in a way that made me question everything I thought I knew about myself. I am just now starting to feel like me again . . Funny, and happy, and positive.

Mental health is a hot button issue in our country at the mo and there's this inherent American belief that everyone should be able to just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and handle shit. I was the queen of handling shit, and I crumbled under the weight of my grief. There were days that I couldn't get out of bed . . . Much less put on pants and face the day. Some days I would sleep until late in the afternoon, and eat my feelings or spend money just to feel fucking better for a little bit. That's depression, kids. And it crippled me in a way that I had never experienced. I thank God for my husband, who I will never ever stop gushing about. He's the damn best there is and he carried me through that time in my life with humor and love and a modicum of patience. My crew, my friends, Katie, Pania, Amanda, Miguel, Charlotte, etc... Too many to list but that core group of people got me out of the house when I was barely functioning. There's a group of people that believed in me and without that support I don't know where I'd be.

I was off work for 9 months. From April 2015 to January of 2016 and I was home . . . I spent most of that time reading and losing myself in really good books and connecting with other readers online. I can't say enough about my book friends. Those wonderful people who I may never meet in person but who loved me through that time and gave me a safe place to land. There's a lot of yip yap out there about "safe spaces" and I'm living breathing proof that having a place where I felt comfortable enough to be myself and talk about books and life helped me heal. I've connected with some amazing people over the last couple of years and built solid relationships through the wonder of books.

Book friends are the best friends!!!

You never know what battle someone is having in their life or in their own mind, so be kind. The world could use more of that . . . Love and kindness.

Baseball season is just around the corner and I'm fully prepared for my Bums to break my heart just one more time . . .

So that's my check in - life is in session and I face every day to the best of my ability, but I don't do it alone and for that I am forever grateful.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Work Work Work Work

Is anyone else singing that Rhianna song in their head right now? I'm totally thinking it. . . . Like, still. So Happy New Year!!!!! 2015 was pretty brutal, 2016 was like Chernobyl levels of awful, so I for one am super happy positive and way stoked to see what 2017 has in store! I have big hopes and dreams and goals for the coming year. Mainly to get my book finished and published by next month. I really need to get that mother done. It has been the biggest goal of my life and I'm so close to the finish line and now I've let off the gas and I don't really know why. I'm easily distracted by my husband, and good books, and online friends, and shiny things and CAKE!

So, if any of you follow me on the Twitter ya'll know I hate my job. Like haaaaaaaaaaate it. Like, I have a sense of impending doom every time I leave the house to come here. The money is decent and the hours are good, but the work itself is soul sucking and competitive and cutthroat and just.. wow... Not for me. I've never been sicker than I have been since coming to work here, like legit, my health is baaaad. No one really laughs, everyone is all laced up and serious and conservative and numbers oh god numbers! I just can't with it. CAN NOT. I started this job in July and began desperately seeking new employment in like.... August. Mayyyyybe September. I've applied so many places, I have reached out to every contact I've made over the last decade. I've hit up people I don't know on LinkedIn. . . . Legit. I've scored a few interviews but other than that? No dice. I haven't been rejected this much since High School . . . No lie.

New Year new searches, yeah?!!! I applied for I think 8 more places today. Short of taking out a billboard I'm at a loss as to what to do. So here I am . . . Pleading to my friends, the universe . . . Anyone who will listen who might have a friend or know someone who maybe might need an administrative person, an Excel boss, an HR assistant, a copywriter, a personal assistant . . . A receptionist, whatever!!!!

I'm not sure why this path has been so rocky for me. Trust me, I know how good I had it at the big Z. I miss it. I miss the camaraderie and family atmosphere that I enjoyed while there. There's a lot that I DON'T miss, mind you, but it was a great place that served a wonderful purpose for the time that it did. I refuse to give up hope, I refuse to stop trying. Some company SOMEWHERE will take a chance on me. I'm asking all of you to put those positive thoughts out into the ether for me. I'll take whatever help I can get. . .

I'm not above sacrificing a chicken.