Wednesday, November 26, 2014
It's really hard to put into words how I'm feeling. People keep asking me if I'm okay. No. No I'm not okay. I love that people ask, I'm grateful for people asking and caring. . . I just don't know how to tell them that I have an ache in my soul that nothing can heal or fix. I don't know if this is the end of the road for my Moma. I'm not God and I'm not a doctor, so I don't know what the future holds. I have a lot of fear... financial fear, fear of handling everything. Do I have enough time and money to do what needs to be done. Silly shit... I fear what the world looks like without the physical presence of my mother. I want to curl up in a ball and cry, and hold her, and tell her how gorgeous she is. I'll get to do that later. I'll get to tell her how wonderful she is, I get to thank her for giving me a charmed and beautiful life. My mom has always been the neighborhood mom. There was never a weekend that we didn't have a houseful of my friends. My Mama always took the best care of us, she made us tea, and pasta, and taught us about good music and art. She pushed me and guided me to getting sober. She never ever EVER gave up on me no matter how bad I fucked up. I'm blessed, we both are. We have the greatest network of support and love all around us. She has wonderful friends... like these amazing women who have stepped up in unimaginable ways to help her. My Mommy is warm, and loving, and kind. . .. and a total diva. ;-) I have a lifetime of beautiful memories and experiences with my mom and I'm just not ready to let it go yet. It's such a mind fuck... I want her to have peace, I don't want her to suffer . . . I want her to be whole and happy and free and in paradise with her creator. I KNOW what waits for her on the other side of this life. I have no doubt as to where her spirit is headed after she leaves this plane of existence. I'm just not ready . . . and I doubt I'll ever be. Call your Mother. Give her all the time that she asks for. Hold her, tell her you love her. The only thing that matters in this life are the relationships that we build and cultivate with one another. Hug and kiss and love on your mom as much as you can. Love and light.