Saturday, July 23, 2011

Living with... Not dying from...


Amy Winehouse is the newest member of a gruesomely sad club. The dead at 27, wasted talent club. While this is very sad (I think it's sad anytime we lose an artist)her death is not shocking to anyone. People are weighing in all over facebook and twitter today and it got me thinking about this disease that so many of us suffer from... DIS EASE... My natural state is restless, irritable, and discontent. The only way I used to have to quiet that was with drugs and booze... and lots of both. I am a hope to die drunk and junkie and for a long time all I wanted to do was drink and drug and rot and die. I understand the pain of addiction, I understand feeling like there's no way out. I was given a choice and a chance and I took it... I thank God every day that I took the opportunity that was given to me.
Some people aren't so lucky. Some people are given chance after chance after chance and there is no rest or peace for them. This girl's hit single was a song about how she didn't want to go to rehab... Newsflash.. Neither did I!!! No one wants to go!!! She records this song and the whole world eats it up and then promptly watches her demise.
Her friends and family tried to save her, but the gorilla on her back was too much for her to bear. I guess that's true for some folks...
Which brings me to another thought... Dying is easy, it's the living that's hard. Sometimes I wake up and my first thought is "F!! another day" followed closely by my second thought which is "Thank You for giving me another day" and then "Please give me the strength to get through it"
So, some people die so that others can live. We learn and we move forward. I send up thoughts and prayers for her family and loved ones. I hope that they can find peace... The addict in me finds solace in the fact that she no longer has to fight her demons anymore. And unless someone has fought those demons, don't speak on this subject...No one knows the utter desperation and terror unless they've experienced it themselves. I'm grateful for the gift that I was given and I continue to push forward every day, no matter how I feel... Or how daunting life may seem...
"Everyone gets a sobriety date... Some are lucky enough to get theirs in a meeting and some get theirs on a tombstone" So today, I'm living with this thing... Not dying from it... and for that, I am grateful...
RIP Amy...

Monday, July 11, 2011

Mmmmm Leftys....



Clayton Kershaw was just a few months old the last time that the Boys in Blue went to a World Series. Dreams of fastballs and big hanging curves were not yet on his little baby radar... Wow... I am a thousand years old!!!! I was watching the Dodgers/Mets game with my Dad on Thursday night and Kersh was on the bump. I love watching this kid throw. I always have. He's nothing short of amazing and with the less than stellar season that Dem Bums are having, I have to hang on to the bright spots that we have in our corner. Matt Kemp, Clayton Kershaw, Andre Ethier and well, ending the first half of the season by sweeping the Madres :) I love division rivalries... Especially when they bounce us outta last place.
So... back to Thursdays gem against the Metropolitans. Streaks end and begin every day and the Dodgers losing streak ended Thursday night largely in part because of Clayton Kershaw... His magic fastball and nasty hanging curve. I love watching his face when he brings the ball down to his chest... He is perfectly at peace, shows NO emotion and there he goes. He's beautiful to watch. Aside from a first inning hit at the hands of Angel Pagan, no Met would reach first base until the 7th. A hit from Aaron Miles, a walk to Andre Ethier and a blast from the beast (Kemp) gave the Dodgers what they needed to avoid getting swept by the Mets. It's pretty... it's soooo pretty...
I'm a sucker for a lefty... Always have been. I'm a sucker for a ball player, period... End Of Story! But pitchers are a whole different animal. Ever see them in the dugout? No one and I mean NO ONE is speaking to them... The 1st position is sitting alone with one arm in his jacket and ice in his eyes. I'm a true blue baseball fan. I'd rather watch a pitching duel than a home run derby any day of the week. Opening Day was a game like that.. Kershaw Vs. Tim Lincecum, both guys virtually unhittable. Opening Day was a Kershaw gem the Giant Killer and the boys won 2-1. The last series against the Angels, he started against Jered Weaver and the Dodgers actually won!! Tough to do against the Halos... His four season ERA is 3.14 and the guy is averaging 9 or 10 strikeouts a game... Not bad for a 23 year old.
He's a joy to watch. He's donating money to an orphanage in Africa for every strike out that he records this season, and at the rate he's going, these kids are going to be living in the Ritz..
In other news... Derek Jeter recorded his 3,000th hit... and it just happened to be a home run :) Respect to the Captain. The All Star Game is this weekend, Matt Kemp is competing in the Home Run Derby tonight which should be fun to watch and Kershaw got his first All Star invitation. Even though Roy Halladay was named the starter, it's still pretty sick that CK is there. This time of year makes me nervous, the trade deadline is coming up and I have to emotionally prepare myself to say goodbye to some players that I love.
Annndddd I owe my friend dinner... damn.

Friday, July 8, 2011

And the hits just keep onnnnnnnn comin'


I'm having one of the worst weeks of my life. I try to stay sunny-side up for the most part, but this week has just absolutely hammered me... Failed a test at work that I needed to pass in order to get a pay bump which I kinda really need right now... Ouchie!!! We're supposed to go to San Diego next week, but due to unforeseen circumstances with my traveling buddies, we can't go... Which is fine, I shouldn't spend the money anyway.... I just reallllyyyyy need the beach. The Dodgers are in last place and having one of the worst seasons that I can remember.... So, after being a super-emo mess yesterday, I came home, watched the game with my Daddy, laughed via text with my friends and fell asleep. I woke up this afternoon ready to step out and face the world... That's all I really know how to do is just keep moving forward... Even when things suck (And they SUPER suck right now) I go into town to run some errands & set up camp at The Dollhouse and whaddaya know? My car breaks... grrreeeaaatttt....
I'm desperately looking for the silver lining right now and before I get too down, I need to look at the things that are making me smile... Not in any kind of order... Just thoughts.

Clayton Kershaw: The kid is an absolute joy to watch. I love the Zen look on his face when he pitches... Full on poetry.

My Friends: One of which is trudging her sweet ass out to Big Bad Boulder to pick me up and love on me... And the rest of my girls (& a few guys) that make me laugh and remind me that although things suck right now, they won't suck forever...

Softball: The boys keep winning and that makes their den mother verrrryyyy happy... Especially since my beloved Bums can't seem to win a series or get out of last place.

Jobby Job: I love it... I'm beyond blessed to work where I work. Is it really considered work when I love it so much?

The Empire: I'd be dead in the water or locked up without it. I shudder to think of where my life would be without God and His infinite Grace.

My Parents: My Papa who is taking me to rent a car tomorrow so that I don't go completely bananas.. My Mommy, she's just about the cutest thing ever ever...

Nine Inch Nails.

Baseball: I can always lose myself in a game, I don't care if it's little league... Baseball calms me in a way that nothing else can.

The knowledge that this will pass and that I really don't have it THAT bad. I always search for sense in things that are nonsensical, I look for reason in the unreasonable and sometimes things don't have to make sense. Sometimes things just are and I have to trust God... I take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. Pretty much everyone I know is having some sort of battle in their life right now and while it may differ from mine, we can carry each other through. I'm grateful for that... Never having to be alone again and being able to show up for others even when my insides are breaking...

It's ALWAYS okay in the end and if it's not okay, then it's not the end...

Looking forward to what tomorrow brings :-)