I'm a neglectful and inconsistent blog type person. It's been damn near a year since I've posted anything new. Bad JoJo!! Bad!!!! I'm currently working on my NaNo project from LAST November that I failed to finish but got one helluva start on . . . I'm such a good starter, but my follow through is for shit. Obvs. This year, much like the one before it and most of the one before that has mostly been bananas with a few great moments splashed in between. The most notable thing has been the passing of my Grandmother, and getting used to life without these amazing women who have molded and shaped and inspired me has made me into a different person. Back in 2011 right before my Mama got sick; I was this happy, carefree wild soul. And it seems like ever since then I've been trying to get that person back. It's painful, and difficult, because ultimately I'm not the same person anymore. I've lost the two most important women in my life inside of a year, I left the career that I loved and it's been nothing but a struggle to find my way since.
So, I have internalized a lot, retreated into my own head, which is not a neighborhood that I want to be in after dark. I miss my Mom. That sounds so simple, because what I ACTUALLY feel when I think about my Mother is more than missing her. It's aching and longing for her. It's feeling completely untethered and lost more than a year later. I'm still struggling with basic life skills, I'm STILL struggling to find my new normal.
I left a career at a company that I loved and while I believe that I made the best decision for me at that time; it's been a struggle to find my fit ever since. I'm on my 2nd job of 2016, and if any of you follow me on the Twitter or know me IRL, ya'll know I am wicked unhappy. I've applied for a number of jobs and I swear, I haven't been rejected this much since high school. It's not an awesome feeling. I have to trust that God has a plan, that if I keep doing the footwork that He'll take care of the rest. One of the few things that I haven't ever questioned over the last yearish is my faith. It's always been there.
I'm not going to get political, because that's just not me, but I will say this . . . This life needs to be about love and service and it seems like most of us have forgotten that along the way. We need to love one another, better than we love ourselves . . . We need to serve one another and practice kindness, and I need to do this especially. My bitch switch can get flipped with a quickness and that's not the version of myself that I want to be. Last week, two people passed away that were both impactful in my life at very different times. Both of these men were loved, cherished, important and will be grieved for a very long time. And it's a reminder of how short and fragile this life is, and that the petty shit that I get hemmed up about doesn't fucking matter.
What matters is the time that I get to spend with my Dad. What matters is the way my insides flutter whenever I see my husband. What matters is the unmitigated joy that I get from spending time with my friends, what matters is the community of online friends that I've made through the amazing and wonderful world of books and reading. These people, most of whom I've never met, have kept me going on days where I have felt so completely alone. I get a lot of joy from reading, I always have, and to have made friends with authors and other readers who help me remember the joy and expand my spirit has been an amazing experience.
So, a lot has changed in a year . . . but maybe not that much at all. My book . . . It's getting there, much like I am <3