Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Hospital Halls

You learn not to look when you wander the hospital halls. Seeing people in various stages of ailment - you don't wanna look. Keep the eyes forward or the sunglasses on, hold your head up. The business of sickness . . . Lots of watching, and waiting, and breaking. It's a weird, and sad, and unsettling part of life. Smiling nurses, shrewd doctors - I wait and wait and then wait some more. Going through this with my Mama . . . It's like I'm half in my life and half in hers. I'm scared to go anywhere, to not be here because what if . . . What if what if what if . . . Life is happening. Life is in session. My life is in a massive upheaval and transition right now. I have a weird sense of peace about all of it. My emotions are allover the damn place and it's gonna be that way for a while. I'm grateful for my man, my friends, my family and all the support and love around me. I've got it better than I deserve, that's for sure.

This business of an ailing parent . . . It's brutal. I hate it. It's soul crushing. So what do I do? Word vomit on a page that not many will read, but I get it out. Purge my hurt so that I can show up, stand up, and be the daughter that she needs me to be.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015


Ever have a song that resonated with you so much that you couldn't listen to it and not cry? I have so many like that. One of my friends at work says "You and your chills" but it's true. Ask my dude, I break out in goosebumps on the regular. Music and lyrics move me. Drums and bass own me. The pain and crackling in a singer's voice brings be to the brink every time . . . Think Florence and the Machine or Jared Leto singing "Stay". I love Sia. Vocalists resonate with me for a number of reasons. My mom was/is one, I play around as one. One of my favorite memories growing up is my Mom singing and playing the piano and my Dad's red guitar... I digress.

For anyone bothering to read this that doesn't know my personal life, I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. My addiction wasn't pretty and I hurt a lot of people. I hurt myself. My last days of getting loaded were no longer "fun" it wasn't a party, fuck . . . It hadn't been a party in years, but I couldn't stop, and I couldn't get out. I wished and prayed to stop living. I was 26 and I was at the end of the road. I ended up going to treatment, and getting sober. I celebrated 10 years clean and sober just a few weeks ago. Those last days though. Those last days of drinking and using were nothing short of hopeless. I can try to put into words what it's like to climb the walls, to be afraid to face your closest loved ones, to lose everything in life that mattered . . . There aren't really words that I can say that will do that time in my life justice. It was fucking brutal, and no way to live. I hate myself, I hated you, I hated feeling anything. My only goal, my only mission was to not feel a thing. And it worked . . . Until it didn't.

The song Chandelier by Sia represents every single feeling and emotion I have about my alcoholism. This song comes on my playlists in life and it always makes me stop and thank God for the peace and freedom that I have today. Free from the bondage of drugs and alcohol. Free from the bondage of self. A beautifully normal life with a loving man who I don't deserve. Free, safe and loved. I don't want to ever forget where I came from. This gorgeous song is one of the things that helps me always remember.

Party girls don't get hurt Can't feel anything, when will I learn I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call" Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell I feel the love, feel the love

Throw 'em back, till I lose count