Living with... Not dying from...

Amy Winehouse is the newest member of a gruesomely sad club. The dead at 27, wasted talent club. While this is very sad (I think it's sad anytime we lose an artist)her death is not shocking to anyone. People are weighing in all over facebook and twitter today and it got me thinking about this disease that so many of us suffer from... DIS EASE... My natural state is restless, irritable, and discontent. The only way I used to have to quiet that was with drugs and booze... and lots of both. I am a hope to die drunk and junkie and for a long time all I wanted to do was drink and drug and rot and die. I understand the pain of addiction, I understand feeling like there's no way out. I was given a choice and a chance and I took it... I thank God every day that I took the opportunity that was given to me.
Some people aren't so lucky. Some people are given chance after chance after chance and there is no rest or peace for them. This girl's hit single was a song about how she didn't want to go to rehab... Newsflash.. Neither did I!!! No one wants to go!!! She records this song and the whole world eats it up and then promptly watches her demise.
Her friends and family tried to save her, but the gorilla on her back was too much for her to bear. I guess that's true for some folks...
Which brings me to another thought... Dying is easy, it's the living that's hard. Sometimes I wake up and my first thought is "F!! another day" followed closely by my second thought which is "Thank You for giving me another day" and then "Please give me the strength to get through it"
So, some people die so that others can live. We learn and we move forward. I send up thoughts and prayers for her family and loved ones. I hope that they can find peace... The addict in me finds solace in the fact that she no longer has to fight her demons anymore. And unless someone has fought those demons, don't speak on this subject...No one knows the utter desperation and terror unless they've experienced it themselves. I'm grateful for the gift that I was given and I continue to push forward every day, no matter how I feel... Or how daunting life may seem...
"Everyone gets a sobriety date... Some are lucky enough to get theirs in a meeting and some get theirs on a tombstone" So today, I'm living with this thing... Not dying from it... and for that, I am grateful...
RIP Amy...

Mmmmm Leftys....

Clayton Kershaw was just a few months old the last time that the Boys in Blue went to a World Series. Dreams of fastballs and big hanging curves were not yet on his little baby radar... Wow... I am a thousand years old!!!! I was watching the Dodgers/Mets game with my Dad on Thursday night and Kersh was on the bump. I love watching this kid throw. I always have. He's nothing short of amazing and with the less than stellar season that Dem Bums are having, I have to hang on to the bright spots that we have in our corner. Matt Kemp, Clayton Kershaw, Andre Ethier and well, ending the first half of the season by sweeping the Madres :) I love division rivalries... Especially when they bounce us outta last place.
So... back to Thursdays gem against the Metropolitans. Streaks end and begin every day and the Dodgers losing streak ended Thursday night largely in part because of Clayton Kershaw... His magic fastball and nasty hanging curve. I love watching his face when he brings the ball down to his chest... He is perfectly at peace, shows NO emotion and there he goes. He's beautiful to watch. Aside from a first inning hit at the hands of Angel Pagan, no Met would reach first base until the 7th. A hit from Aaron Miles, a walk to Andre Ethier and a blast from the beast (Kemp) gave the Dodgers what they needed to avoid getting swept by the Mets. It's pretty... it's soooo pretty...
I'm a sucker for a lefty... Always have been. I'm a sucker for a ball player, period... End Of Story! But pitchers are a whole different animal. Ever see them in the dugout? No one and I mean NO ONE is speaking to them... The 1st position is sitting alone with one arm in his jacket and ice in his eyes. I'm a true blue baseball fan. I'd rather watch a pitching duel than a home run derby any day of the week. Opening Day was a game like that.. Kershaw Vs. Tim Lincecum, both guys virtually unhittable. Opening Day was a Kershaw gem the Giant Killer and the boys won 2-1. The last series against the Angels, he started against Jered Weaver and the Dodgers actually won!! Tough to do against the Halos... His four season ERA is 3.14 and the guy is averaging 9 or 10 strikeouts a game... Not bad for a 23 year old.
He's a joy to watch. He's donating money to an orphanage in Africa for every strike out that he records this season, and at the rate he's going, these kids are going to be living in the Ritz..
In other news... Derek Jeter recorded his 3,000th hit... and it just happened to be a home run :) Respect to the Captain. The All Star Game is this weekend, Matt Kemp is competing in the Home Run Derby tonight which should be fun to watch and Kershaw got his first All Star invitation. Even though Roy Halladay was named the starter, it's still pretty sick that CK is there. This time of year makes me nervous, the trade deadline is coming up and I have to emotionally prepare myself to say goodbye to some players that I love.
Annndddd I owe my friend dinner... damn.

And the hits just keep onnnnnnnn comin'

I'm having one of the worst weeks of my life. I try to stay sunny-side up for the most part, but this week has just absolutely hammered me... Failed a test at work that I needed to pass in order to get a pay bump which I kinda really need right now... Ouchie!!! We're supposed to go to San Diego next week, but due to unforeseen circumstances with my traveling buddies, we can't go... Which is fine, I shouldn't spend the money anyway.... I just reallllyyyyy need the beach. The Dodgers are in last place and having one of the worst seasons that I can remember.... So, after being a super-emo mess yesterday, I came home, watched the game with my Daddy, laughed via text with my friends and fell asleep. I woke up this afternoon ready to step out and face the world... That's all I really know how to do is just keep moving forward... Even when things suck (And they SUPER suck right now) I go into town to run some errands & set up camp at The Dollhouse and whaddaya know? My car breaks... grrreeeaaatttt....
I'm desperately looking for the silver lining right now and before I get too down, I need to look at the things that are making me smile... Not in any kind of order... Just thoughts.

Clayton Kershaw: The kid is an absolute joy to watch. I love the Zen look on his face when he pitches... Full on poetry.

My Friends: One of which is trudging her sweet ass out to Big Bad Boulder to pick me up and love on me... And the rest of my girls (& a few guys) that make me laugh and remind me that although things suck right now, they won't suck forever...

Softball: The boys keep winning and that makes their den mother verrrryyyy happy... Especially since my beloved Bums can't seem to win a series or get out of last place.

Jobby Job: I love it... I'm beyond blessed to work where I work. Is it really considered work when I love it so much?

The Empire: I'd be dead in the water or locked up without it. I shudder to think of where my life would be without God and His infinite Grace.

My Parents: My Papa who is taking me to rent a car tomorrow so that I don't go completely bananas.. My Mommy, she's just about the cutest thing ever ever...

Nine Inch Nails.

Baseball: I can always lose myself in a game, I don't care if it's little league... Baseball calms me in a way that nothing else can.

The knowledge that this will pass and that I really don't have it THAT bad. I always search for sense in things that are nonsensical, I look for reason in the unreasonable and sometimes things don't have to make sense. Sometimes things just are and I have to trust God... I take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. Pretty much everyone I know is having some sort of battle in their life right now and while it may differ from mine, we can carry each other through. I'm grateful for that... Never having to be alone again and being able to show up for others even when my insides are breaking...

It's ALWAYS okay in the end and if it's not okay, then it's not the end...

Looking forward to what tomorrow brings :-)

Monday Morning Music Mania

Mondays are always a little bit manic for me... I usually don't get enough sleep on Sunday nights due to Sunday Night Insomnia... So last night I attempted to beat the insomnia and I just stayed out too late with my awesome friends, drinking tea at Starbucks... Talking about nothing... Talking about everything, solving the world's problems and discussing why I think Natural Born Killers is the most romantic movie ever made... (I'm kinda sick)
I listen to music all day at work, it's part of what makes my job awesome... I can throw on the headphones and just get lost... I have a few minutes left on my lunch and since the lunchroom is a madhouse, I thought I'd share the absolute random-ness that IS my taste...
I set my MP3 player to random and didn't adjust anything... No skippy skipping through any song... I just let it ride... The below list is what played from 7:30 this morning til about just now...
AFI-Silver and Cold
Chevelle-Still Running
Love & Rockets-Sweet Lover Hangover
Joan Jett-Do You Wanna Touch Me
The Jesus & Mary Chain-Just Like Honey
Dragonette-Pick Up The Phone
ATB-Fields Of Love
Tears For Fears-Change
INXS-Don't Change (The irony is not lost on me here)
Nine Inch Nails-Closer
The Shiny Toy Guns-Ghost Town
Jay Z-Dirt Off Your Shoulder
Love & Rockets-So Alive
The Cranberries-Dreaming My Dreams
The Deftones-Be Quiet And Drive
Mark Ronson/Ghostface Killah/Nate Dogg-Ooh Weee
And to top it all....
Superdrag-Feeling Like I do

So there's a little peeky boo into my weird little mind on a Monday....

Things That I Love

I'm bored and I've had this idea pinging around my brain all week... Not so much baseball related although I'm sure that will make an appearance somewhere :)

My Jessica Simpson Acadia pumps... I love these beauties so much that I have three pairs of them... In different colors. They're comfortable, cute and sexy as hell. A girl can never have too many patent pumps.

Vestal watches... I have three of those too... Good things come in threes right? In a way Vestal is responsible for the job that I have now...

Kissing... The best of the best.. I love kissing... Is there anything better in life than a great kiss?

Belly laughs with my friends... 'nuff said.

A good book on a rainy day (or any day for that matter)

The Los Angeles Dodgers... Win, lose in sickness and in health... This team has me by the heart and always has. I just can't let it go....

Day-dreaming right fielders... Most of them hit the long ball and have a missile for an arm... Give me a dreaming right fielder any day...

My cat...

My family... We put the FUN right back in dysfunction... Their constant love and acceptance no matter what....

My soulmate... My sister from another mister...

My job... My little stop gap of a job has turned into a career...

The Secret Empire... Where I found acceptance, true faith and God... The ONLY place that I've ever felt normal...

Music. Good music moves my soul, makes my heart beat a little bit faster, makes my feet want to move. I lose myself in notes and chords and lyrics and beats...

Trent Reznor and Joan Jett...

The ability to show up for someone else... The ability to ask someone else to show up for me...

Dancing and singing and losing myself in a moment...

Clothes, shoes and boys with tattoos!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Love L.A.

What a beautiful night!!! Walking into Dodger Stadium has always been a special experience for me... Hearing the sounds of batting practice, smelling Dodger Dogs on the grill... My heart always skips a beat, my pulse quickens... It's just exciting. It always has been... I can't remember a summer in my life where we haven't gone to that park & every year, it's all new again.
There's a ton of drama surrounding my beloved team right now & I hate it. I have an emotional attachment to this ball club that is borderline unhealthy & it saddens me to see all the crap going on right now with their ridiculous owner..
Moving on. Tonight's game was nothing short of incredible. Aaron Miles ( who I can't stand) actually hit very well! Dre extended his hitting streak to 25 games... Homeruns from Kemp & Uribe added some serious excitement... & I had everyone around me cheering for the kid, Jerry Sands.
It was a great game.
And then in the ninth... in comes big Broxton. My heart sunk. I don't have too much faith in him right now, but he needs the fan's support & I'll be damned, he got it. The whole stadium was on their feet cheering this guy on. He gave up 2 base hits & a run, but with 2 outs... Tony Gwynn Jr made the catch of the century... Broxton owes Gwynn a steak dinner for that grab tonight.
Dodgers won & it was a nail biter.... It always is against the Padres. Good or bad, thick or thin, I will always stand by this team.
I better get some rest, we got another one tomorrow...

Brutal...

Being in love is a beautiful thing. Having a partner in life, someone to cross the chasm of loneliness with, share stupid inside jokes with, fight with & make up with is an awesome & fulfilling feeling. I've been single for a hot minute, but I'll never forget that whimsical feeling of knowing that I belonged to someone...
All that sappy crap being said, when a relationship goes south, it can go one of two ways.. My last ex and I are still great friends, yeah it was painful but there was & is a lot of love there... The one before him? Nasty... Probably the worst breakup I've ever been through. It just got ugly... I won't go into the gory details, because that's not what this post is about.
Breakups & divorces are hard enough.... Divorcing when you're a billionaire & a high profile owner of a baseball team is something else entirely. Imagine having your entire life & lifestyle blasted all over the tabloids, every person who cared to read a newspaper knowing the most intimate details of your life...
It's gotta be brutal, and while I'm a sensitive gal, I'm having a hard time finding any sympathy at all for the McCourts.
Dodger fans knew this divorce was going to get ugly, but I don't think any of us saw it getting this bad. Cutting corners with security, driving up food & parking prices, not going after big market players, letting firecrackers on the Dodgers go by the wayside (Randy Wolff, Orlando Hudson)... Fans boycotting the stadium, Frank having to take a loan just to pay the payroll? Ludicrous!!! This is the Los Angeles Dodgers for crying out loud!! The franchise of Sandy Koufax, Tommy Lasorda... The first team to break the color barrier & this man has damn near run it into the ground..
So Selig stepped in and took over & Dodger fans couldn't be happier. Today's getaway game was a small crowd, however, 4,000 walk up tickets were sold.. That's folks who decided, last minute, to catch a game on a Thursday afternoon. Those that did were treated to a nailbiting gem starring Casey Blake, our ace, the young Kersh & the beast.. Matt Kemp.
I feel bad for the McCourts. I really do, they were married for upwards of 30 years and to have that go so bad & so publicly has got to be bloody awful. I'm sure they have both lost their minds, but embezzling money from the Dodgers ti finance the divorce is unacceptable. Not having a chief of security and tighter restrictions on fan behavior, ultimately causing a man to get beaten damn near to death... Is unacceptable.
Frank & Jamie got greedy. The love of money is the root of all evil & drives people to do insane things... So we'll see how this plays out. I'm sure it's going to be a rocky road & I'm sure Frank will try to sue... That's kinda what he does. But when he bought this team, he signed a binding document saying that he wouldn't. Other owners have tried & failed & Frank will fail too.
It's the end of an era in LA LA Land... But a better one is on the horizon :)
Like any other blue-blooded irrational Dodger fan, I have nothing but faith.
And hey, them bums are 2 & 0 since Selig stepped in!!!