Reflection

Another year is drawing to a close, and once again I am overwhelmed with all the feelings!!! 2014 saw a lot of beautiful milestones in my life. My husband turned 30 (thank heaven!!!) We celebrated our first year of marriage, and we FINALLY got a little baby bulldog. Phillip and I have been wanting one of these pups since the beginning of our relationship. I got to meet some of my favourite authors and make new friends that I may never meet but we're connected anyway. Isn't that what this life is about? Connectedness? 2014 also held some pretty gnarly stuff as well. Lots of changes at work, my mother's health has been challenging, and some friendships took different forms, leaving a bit of an emptiness where there wasn't one before. Every year presents new challenges and new opportunities. I spent months of this year in a super painful rut. I was depressed, tired all the time, and just generally sad. I still don't know why . . . I have everything I could possibly want or need and I'm legit surrounded by people that love me, yet still I was hurting. Lots of prayer and meditation and love from my husband and my friends carried me through that valley. I was also able to build a new relationship with a dear friend and saw two of my best friends reconnect like no time had passed at all.

Like every year, there have been new babies and loved ones passing. Offering equal amounts of joy and pain. I discovered new things about myself. How if I ease up a little bit and leave my heart and mind open, so much good will find its way in. In a little less than 2 months I will celebrate 10 years of sobriety . . . WHAT?! That fact absolutely floors me for a few reasons. 1 - I can't believe it's been that long and 2 - time... it fucking flies by. It seems like just yesterday I was walking into the McDonald center, all shaky scared and strung out. Today I have a life that I didn't know I wanted, I get to show up in ways I never thought possible, and I'm the kind of woman that I always wanted to be.

Life is fucking beautiful. It is. Through all the laughter and all the tears . . . I'll take it. I'll take all of it. I'm alive and I get to feel. Turn up the music, drive fast and take chances. . . Hug and kiss on the people you love . . . Never ever miss a chance to tell someone that you love them or let them know the value they add to your life. If you're reading this (thank you) and you are valuable to me!!! Thank you for a beautiful year . . . Can't wait to see what the next one brings!!!

"One day you'll leave this world behind - so live a life that you'll remember"

Mama

It's really hard to put into words how I'm feeling. People keep asking me if I'm okay. No. No I'm not okay. I love that people ask, I'm grateful for people asking and caring. . . I just don't know how to tell them that I have an ache in my soul that nothing can heal or fix. I don't know if this is the end of the road for my Moma. I'm not God and I'm not a doctor, so I don't know what the future holds. I have a lot of fear... financial fear, fear of handling everything. Do I have enough time and money to do what needs to be done. Silly shit... I fear what the world looks like without the physical presence of my mother. I want to curl up in a ball and cry, and hold her, and tell her how gorgeous she is. I'll get to do that later. I'll get to tell her how wonderful she is, I get to thank her for giving me a charmed and beautiful life. My mom has always been the neighborhood mom. There was never a weekend that we didn't have a houseful of my friends. My Mama always took the best care of us, she made us tea, and pasta, and taught us about good music and art. She pushed me and guided me to getting sober. She never ever EVER gave up on me no matter how bad I fucked up. I'm blessed, we both are. We have the greatest network of support and love all around us. She has wonderful friends... like these amazing women who have stepped up in unimaginable ways to help her. My Mommy is warm, and loving, and kind. . .. and a total diva. ;-) I have a lifetime of beautiful memories and experiences with my mom and I'm just not ready to let it go yet. It's such a mind fuck... I want her to have peace, I don't want her to suffer . . . I want her to be whole and happy and free and in paradise with her creator. I KNOW what waits for her on the other side of this life. I have no doubt as to where her spirit is headed after she leaves this plane of existence. I'm just not ready . . . and I doubt I'll ever be. Call your Mother. Give her all the time that she asks for. Hold her, tell her you love her. The only thing that matters in this life are the relationships that we build and cultivate with one another. Hug and kiss and love on your mom as much as you can. Love and light.

I Thought I Knew

I thought I knew what love was when I was 17 and love meant driving my crappy boyfriend to work, even though I would be late for school. I thought it meant that I had to be controlled and bent to someone else's will in order to be loved by him. Thank God that ended in such a heinous way.

I thought I knew what love was at 22 and maybe I did. Maybe it was real. At least on my end. Definitely not on his. I thought our twin music tastes and his ability to rein in my crazy meant that it was "like totally forever" I thought I knew again at 25 when I was desperately trying to forget that he and I were truly done. I thought it meant alcoholic and crazy fights topped with doses of drama.

I thought I knew....

I was wrong. SO very very wrong.

Love is calling my friends (Unbeknownst to me) and making sure they check on me when my mom is in the hospital.

Love is walking me through a really painful situation and having my best interest at heart even though it must have hurt you tremendously to do so.

Love is waiting patiently while I find my way to you... Which somehow, you knew I would.

Love is not walking away.

Love is holding a bright pink bag while your woman fulfills her lifelong dream of throwing out a first pitch.

Love is asking my father for my hand in marriage.

Love is giving this lonely only child an amazing sister and a gaggle of meeces to spoil.

Love is gadddamn unconditional . . . As you continue to show me each and every day.

Love is making dinner for the week and making sure that I am well fed and taken care of.

Love is sharing your life with me, and giving me a host of wonderful friends.

Love is allowing me to be me,and staying by my side even though I'm bananas.

Love, quite simply ... is you.