Closing a Chapter

When I moved from sunny San Diego back to Las Vegas in 2006, my intention was to be here for a year . . . Yeah, it's been 9. Part of what happened was a massive career change. I was a server, a lifer and although it was hard and sometimes soul sucking I enjoyed it. Part of what I enjoyed about (and what I enjoy about life in general) was the people. Namely, the Zappos crew that would come in for lunch. Most of 'em Giants fans, which is always a good time for me ;-) After a year of waiting on these guys every day they told me to apply and come work for them. It was a scary decision, I was giving up easy money and the freedom of a serving job to go join the corporate world.

It's hard to put into words what my Zappos life has been. I feel like I've grown up here, I have so many memories here, and tomorrow I say goodbye. I feel bittersweet about all of it. While I'm excited to start a new chapter in my life and spend more time with my husband and family, I'm devastated to leave a grip of people and a "job" that means so much to me. 7 years is the longest that I've worked anywhere. I kept waiting for the ax to drop and it never did. I'll never forget when I interviewed with Jerry and he told me I'd need to change my email address from DodgerLover to something more acceptable, or when I got sent a Giants email that made my computer shut down, or traveling to Canada and New York and meeting so many great people along the way. Singing on stage at the Smith Center, and being able to do what I love and follow my passions has been an indescribable blessing.

Some of my co-workers have turned into best friends and one was in my wedding, shit without her insight and guidance who knows where I'd be. I thank God for the experiences that I've had here. Walking out that door tomorrow is going to annihilate me. There were many days that I felt like a shell of a person, and my team held me up and put me in a better mood. The one thing Zappos has always done well is get the best of the best and I'm going to miss working with the best.

So one more time I'm doing what's scary and uncomfortable. Leaving my safety net for the unknown. I need this time to be with my Mom, to reset my focus, and actually do wifey things like cook, maybe clean a little ;-) Whatever the future holds, I get to face it and I won't be alone.Like I said I grew up here. I fell in love with my husband while working here, I've experienced a wonderful life here . . . One that I am sad to see go. So, if you need a friends and family coupon now's the time to hit me up!!!

Hospital Halls

You learn not to look when you wander the hospital halls. Seeing people in various stages of ailment - you don't wanna look. Keep the eyes forward or the sunglasses on, hold your head up. The business of sickness . . . Lots of watching, and waiting, and breaking. It's a weird, and sad, and unsettling part of life. Smiling nurses, shrewd doctors - I wait and wait and then wait some more. Going through this with my Mama . . . It's like I'm half in my life and half in hers. I'm scared to go anywhere, to not be here because what if . . . What if what if what if . . . Life is happening. Life is in session. My life is in a massive upheaval and transition right now. I have a weird sense of peace about all of it. My emotions are allover the damn place and it's gonna be that way for a while. I'm grateful for my man, my friends, my family and all the support and love around me. I've got it better than I deserve, that's for sure.

This business of an ailing parent . . . It's brutal. I hate it. It's soul crushing. So what do I do? Word vomit on a page that not many will read, but I get it out. Purge my hurt so that I can show up, stand up, and be the daughter that she needs me to be.

Chandelier

Ever have a song that resonated with you so much that you couldn't listen to it and not cry? I have so many like that. One of my friends at work says "You and your chills" but it's true. Ask my dude, I break out in goosebumps on the regular. Music and lyrics move me. Drums and bass own me. The pain and crackling in a singer's voice brings be to the brink every time . . . Think Florence and the Machine or Jared Leto singing "Stay". I love Sia. Vocalists resonate with me for a number of reasons. My mom was/is one, I play around as one. One of my favorite memories growing up is my Mom singing and playing the piano and my Dad's red guitar... I digress.

For anyone bothering to read this that doesn't know my personal life, I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. My addiction wasn't pretty and I hurt a lot of people. I hurt myself. My last days of getting loaded were no longer "fun" it wasn't a party, fuck . . . It hadn't been a party in years, but I couldn't stop, and I couldn't get out. I wished and prayed to stop living. I was 26 and I was at the end of the road. I ended up going to treatment, and getting sober. I celebrated 10 years clean and sober just a few weeks ago. Those last days though. Those last days of drinking and using were nothing short of hopeless. I can try to put into words what it's like to climb the walls, to be afraid to face your closest loved ones, to lose everything in life that mattered . . . There aren't really words that I can say that will do that time in my life justice. It was fucking brutal, and no way to live. I hate myself, I hated you, I hated feeling anything. My only goal, my only mission was to not feel a thing. And it worked . . . Until it didn't.

The song Chandelier by Sia represents every single feeling and emotion I have about my alcoholism. This song comes on my playlists in life and it always makes me stop and thank God for the peace and freedom that I have today. Free from the bondage of drugs and alcohol. Free from the bondage of self. A beautifully normal life with a loving man who I don't deserve. Free, safe and loved. I don't want to ever forget where I came from. This gorgeous song is one of the things that helps me always remember.

Party girls don't get hurt Can't feel anything, when will I learn I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call" Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell I feel the love, feel the love

Throw 'em back, till I lose count

Reflection

Another year is drawing to a close, and once again I am overwhelmed with all the feelings!!! 2014 saw a lot of beautiful milestones in my life. My husband turned 30 (thank heaven!!!) We celebrated our first year of marriage, and we FINALLY got a little baby bulldog. Phillip and I have been wanting one of these pups since the beginning of our relationship. I got to meet some of my favourite authors and make new friends that I may never meet but we're connected anyway. Isn't that what this life is about? Connectedness? 2014 also held some pretty gnarly stuff as well. Lots of changes at work, my mother's health has been challenging, and some friendships took different forms, leaving a bit of an emptiness where there wasn't one before. Every year presents new challenges and new opportunities. I spent months of this year in a super painful rut. I was depressed, tired all the time, and just generally sad. I still don't know why . . . I have everything I could possibly want or need and I'm legit surrounded by people that love me, yet still I was hurting. Lots of prayer and meditation and love from my husband and my friends carried me through that valley. I was also able to build a new relationship with a dear friend and saw two of my best friends reconnect like no time had passed at all.

Like every year, there have been new babies and loved ones passing. Offering equal amounts of joy and pain. I discovered new things about myself. How if I ease up a little bit and leave my heart and mind open, so much good will find its way in. In a little less than 2 months I will celebrate 10 years of sobriety . . . WHAT?! That fact absolutely floors me for a few reasons. 1 - I can't believe it's been that long and 2 - time... it fucking flies by. It seems like just yesterday I was walking into the McDonald center, all shaky scared and strung out. Today I have a life that I didn't know I wanted, I get to show up in ways I never thought possible, and I'm the kind of woman that I always wanted to be.

Life is fucking beautiful. It is. Through all the laughter and all the tears . . . I'll take it. I'll take all of it. I'm alive and I get to feel. Turn up the music, drive fast and take chances. . . Hug and kiss on the people you love . . . Never ever miss a chance to tell someone that you love them or let them know the value they add to your life. If you're reading this (thank you) and you are valuable to me!!! Thank you for a beautiful year . . . Can't wait to see what the next one brings!!!

"One day you'll leave this world behind - so live a life that you'll remember"

Mama

It's really hard to put into words how I'm feeling. People keep asking me if I'm okay. No. No I'm not okay. I love that people ask, I'm grateful for people asking and caring. . . I just don't know how to tell them that I have an ache in my soul that nothing can heal or fix. I don't know if this is the end of the road for my Moma. I'm not God and I'm not a doctor, so I don't know what the future holds. I have a lot of fear... financial fear, fear of handling everything. Do I have enough time and money to do what needs to be done. Silly shit... I fear what the world looks like without the physical presence of my mother. I want to curl up in a ball and cry, and hold her, and tell her how gorgeous she is. I'll get to do that later. I'll get to tell her how wonderful she is, I get to thank her for giving me a charmed and beautiful life. My mom has always been the neighborhood mom. There was never a weekend that we didn't have a houseful of my friends. My Mama always took the best care of us, she made us tea, and pasta, and taught us about good music and art. She pushed me and guided me to getting sober. She never ever EVER gave up on me no matter how bad I fucked up. I'm blessed, we both are. We have the greatest network of support and love all around us. She has wonderful friends... like these amazing women who have stepped up in unimaginable ways to help her. My Mommy is warm, and loving, and kind. . .. and a total diva. ;-) I have a lifetime of beautiful memories and experiences with my mom and I'm just not ready to let it go yet. It's such a mind fuck... I want her to have peace, I don't want her to suffer . . . I want her to be whole and happy and free and in paradise with her creator. I KNOW what waits for her on the other side of this life. I have no doubt as to where her spirit is headed after she leaves this plane of existence. I'm just not ready . . . and I doubt I'll ever be. Call your Mother. Give her all the time that she asks for. Hold her, tell her you love her. The only thing that matters in this life are the relationships that we build and cultivate with one another. Hug and kiss and love on your mom as much as you can. Love and light.

I Thought I Knew

I thought I knew what love was when I was 17 and love meant driving my crappy boyfriend to work, even though I would be late for school. I thought it meant that I had to be controlled and bent to someone else's will in order to be loved by him. Thank God that ended in such a heinous way.

I thought I knew what love was at 22 and maybe I did. Maybe it was real. At least on my end. Definitely not on his. I thought our twin music tastes and his ability to rein in my crazy meant that it was "like totally forever" I thought I knew again at 25 when I was desperately trying to forget that he and I were truly done. I thought it meant alcoholic and crazy fights topped with doses of drama.

I thought I knew....

I was wrong. SO very very wrong.

Love is calling my friends (Unbeknownst to me) and making sure they check on me when my mom is in the hospital.

Love is walking me through a really painful situation and having my best interest at heart even though it must have hurt you tremendously to do so.

Love is waiting patiently while I find my way to you... Which somehow, you knew I would.

Love is not walking away.

Love is holding a bright pink bag while your woman fulfills her lifelong dream of throwing out a first pitch.

Love is asking my father for my hand in marriage.

Love is giving this lonely only child an amazing sister and a gaggle of meeces to spoil.

Love is gadddamn unconditional . . . As you continue to show me each and every day.

Love is making dinner for the week and making sure that I am well fed and taken care of.

Love is sharing your life with me, and giving me a host of wonderful friends.

Love is allowing me to be me,and staying by my side even though I'm bananas.

Love, quite simply ... is you.

Holiday Hustle and Bustle

Ahhhh The joys of Christmas. We had a busy one this year. We had three Christmases, Phil's family, my family, our family. Christmas has different meaning to different folks, and for me, it's always been the same. Celebrating the birth of my savior and gathering with family and friends. I'm a winter baby and I love this time of year. I absolutely love it. I'm like Buddy the Elf. My husband. . . Not so much :-) But he gets in the spirit <3

This was our first year as a married couple and our first Christmas living together. As I sit here in our lovely home and look at our tree I'm reflecting on how blessed we are to even be here and be together. I remember my last Christmas before I got sober. I was pretty much living in the bathroom, and trying to escape my family so that I could go do what I needed to do to make it through the day. No amount of money and no gift could ever be as great as my sobriety. I don't hurt my family anymore. I get to show up today, be present. I get to be a daughter, a wife, an aunt, and a friend.

We spent Christmas Eve with my Dad and we went to the church that I grew up in. We spent Christmas Day with my Mama.... Last year, we spent Christmas with my Mom, but she was in the ER with bronchitis. It was not the way that I imagined we'd spend the day, but my smart, and sweet husband made the point that we got to spend the day with the person who needed us most. This year; my mom made a beautiful breakfast and her home was filled with friends, my dad, my stepmom, my grandma. I just have to sit back and thank God for all these blessings.

It has been an eventful couple of years with lots of joy, some sorrow, but the most important thing is that we are all together. God is good, and life is beautiful any way you slice it. I have a life today that I didn't know I wanted. I am present, I am aware, and I am grateful.

Justice is getting what we deserve, mercy is not getting what we deserve, and grace is getting a life that we don't deserve. Merry Christmas, and let's have a wonderful 2014, shall we?

Cheers!