Chandelier

Ever have a song that resonated with you so much that you couldn't listen to it and not cry? I have so many like that. One of my friends at work says "You and your chills" but it's true. Ask my dude, I break out in goosebumps on the regular. Music and lyrics move me. Drums and bass own me. The pain and crackling in a singer's voice brings be to the brink every time . . . Think Florence and the Machine or Jared Leto singing "Stay". I love Sia. Vocalists resonate with me for a number of reasons. My mom was/is one, I play around as one. One of my favorite memories growing up is my Mom singing and playing the piano and my Dad's red guitar... I digress.

For anyone bothering to read this that doesn't know my personal life, I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. My addiction wasn't pretty and I hurt a lot of people. I hurt myself. My last days of getting loaded were no longer "fun" it wasn't a party, fuck . . . It hadn't been a party in years, but I couldn't stop, and I couldn't get out. I wished and prayed to stop living. I was 26 and I was at the end of the road. I ended up going to treatment, and getting sober. I celebrated 10 years clean and sober just a few weeks ago. Those last days though. Those last days of drinking and using were nothing short of hopeless. I can try to put into words what it's like to climb the walls, to be afraid to face your closest loved ones, to lose everything in life that mattered . . . There aren't really words that I can say that will do that time in my life justice. It was fucking brutal, and no way to live. I hate myself, I hated you, I hated feeling anything. My only goal, my only mission was to not feel a thing. And it worked . . . Until it didn't.

The song Chandelier by Sia represents every single feeling and emotion I have about my alcoholism. This song comes on my playlists in life and it always makes me stop and thank God for the peace and freedom that I have today. Free from the bondage of drugs and alcohol. Free from the bondage of self. A beautifully normal life with a loving man who I don't deserve. Free, safe and loved. I don't want to ever forget where I came from. This gorgeous song is one of the things that helps me always remember.

Party girls don't get hurt Can't feel anything, when will I learn I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call" Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell I feel the love, feel the love

Throw 'em back, till I lose count

Reflection

Another year is drawing to a close, and once again I am overwhelmed with all the feelings!!! 2014 saw a lot of beautiful milestones in my life. My husband turned 30 (thank heaven!!!) We celebrated our first year of marriage, and we FINALLY got a little baby bulldog. Phillip and I have been wanting one of these pups since the beginning of our relationship. I got to meet some of my favourite authors and make new friends that I may never meet but we're connected anyway. Isn't that what this life is about? Connectedness? 2014 also held some pretty gnarly stuff as well. Lots of changes at work, my mother's health has been challenging, and some friendships took different forms, leaving a bit of an emptiness where there wasn't one before. Every year presents new challenges and new opportunities. I spent months of this year in a super painful rut. I was depressed, tired all the time, and just generally sad. I still don't know why . . . I have everything I could possibly want or need and I'm legit surrounded by people that love me, yet still I was hurting. Lots of prayer and meditation and love from my husband and my friends carried me through that valley. I was also able to build a new relationship with a dear friend and saw two of my best friends reconnect like no time had passed at all.

Like every year, there have been new babies and loved ones passing. Offering equal amounts of joy and pain. I discovered new things about myself. How if I ease up a little bit and leave my heart and mind open, so much good will find its way in. In a little less than 2 months I will celebrate 10 years of sobriety . . . WHAT?! That fact absolutely floors me for a few reasons. 1 - I can't believe it's been that long and 2 - time... it fucking flies by. It seems like just yesterday I was walking into the McDonald center, all shaky scared and strung out. Today I have a life that I didn't know I wanted, I get to show up in ways I never thought possible, and I'm the kind of woman that I always wanted to be.

Life is fucking beautiful. It is. Through all the laughter and all the tears . . . I'll take it. I'll take all of it. I'm alive and I get to feel. Turn up the music, drive fast and take chances. . . Hug and kiss on the people you love . . . Never ever miss a chance to tell someone that you love them or let them know the value they add to your life. If you're reading this (thank you) and you are valuable to me!!! Thank you for a beautiful year . . . Can't wait to see what the next one brings!!!

"One day you'll leave this world behind - so live a life that you'll remember"

Mama

It's really hard to put into words how I'm feeling. People keep asking me if I'm okay. No. No I'm not okay. I love that people ask, I'm grateful for people asking and caring. . . I just don't know how to tell them that I have an ache in my soul that nothing can heal or fix. I don't know if this is the end of the road for my Moma. I'm not God and I'm not a doctor, so I don't know what the future holds. I have a lot of fear... financial fear, fear of handling everything. Do I have enough time and money to do what needs to be done. Silly shit... I fear what the world looks like without the physical presence of my mother. I want to curl up in a ball and cry, and hold her, and tell her how gorgeous she is. I'll get to do that later. I'll get to tell her how wonderful she is, I get to thank her for giving me a charmed and beautiful life. My mom has always been the neighborhood mom. There was never a weekend that we didn't have a houseful of my friends. My Mama always took the best care of us, she made us tea, and pasta, and taught us about good music and art. She pushed me and guided me to getting sober. She never ever EVER gave up on me no matter how bad I fucked up. I'm blessed, we both are. We have the greatest network of support and love all around us. She has wonderful friends... like these amazing women who have stepped up in unimaginable ways to help her. My Mommy is warm, and loving, and kind. . .. and a total diva. ;-) I have a lifetime of beautiful memories and experiences with my mom and I'm just not ready to let it go yet. It's such a mind fuck... I want her to have peace, I don't want her to suffer . . . I want her to be whole and happy and free and in paradise with her creator. I KNOW what waits for her on the other side of this life. I have no doubt as to where her spirit is headed after she leaves this plane of existence. I'm just not ready . . . and I doubt I'll ever be. Call your Mother. Give her all the time that she asks for. Hold her, tell her you love her. The only thing that matters in this life are the relationships that we build and cultivate with one another. Hug and kiss and love on your mom as much as you can. Love and light.

I Thought I Knew

I thought I knew what love was when I was 17 and love meant driving my crappy boyfriend to work, even though I would be late for school. I thought it meant that I had to be controlled and bent to someone else's will in order to be loved by him. Thank God that ended in such a heinous way.

I thought I knew what love was at 22 and maybe I did. Maybe it was real. At least on my end. Definitely not on his. I thought our twin music tastes and his ability to rein in my crazy meant that it was "like totally forever" I thought I knew again at 25 when I was desperately trying to forget that he and I were truly done. I thought it meant alcoholic and crazy fights topped with doses of drama.

I thought I knew....

I was wrong. SO very very wrong.

Love is calling my friends (Unbeknownst to me) and making sure they check on me when my mom is in the hospital.

Love is walking me through a really painful situation and having my best interest at heart even though it must have hurt you tremendously to do so.

Love is waiting patiently while I find my way to you... Which somehow, you knew I would.

Love is not walking away.

Love is holding a bright pink bag while your woman fulfills her lifelong dream of throwing out a first pitch.

Love is asking my father for my hand in marriage.

Love is giving this lonely only child an amazing sister and a gaggle of meeces to spoil.

Love is gadddamn unconditional . . . As you continue to show me each and every day.

Love is making dinner for the week and making sure that I am well fed and taken care of.

Love is sharing your life with me, and giving me a host of wonderful friends.

Love is allowing me to be me,and staying by my side even though I'm bananas.

Love, quite simply ... is you.

Holiday Hustle and Bustle

Ahhhh The joys of Christmas. We had a busy one this year. We had three Christmases, Phil's family, my family, our family. Christmas has different meaning to different folks, and for me, it's always been the same. Celebrating the birth of my savior and gathering with family and friends. I'm a winter baby and I love this time of year. I absolutely love it. I'm like Buddy the Elf. My husband. . . Not so much :-) But he gets in the spirit <3

This was our first year as a married couple and our first Christmas living together. As I sit here in our lovely home and look at our tree I'm reflecting on how blessed we are to even be here and be together. I remember my last Christmas before I got sober. I was pretty much living in the bathroom, and trying to escape my family so that I could go do what I needed to do to make it through the day. No amount of money and no gift could ever be as great as my sobriety. I don't hurt my family anymore. I get to show up today, be present. I get to be a daughter, a wife, an aunt, and a friend.

We spent Christmas Eve with my Dad and we went to the church that I grew up in. We spent Christmas Day with my Mama.... Last year, we spent Christmas with my Mom, but she was in the ER with bronchitis. It was not the way that I imagined we'd spend the day, but my smart, and sweet husband made the point that we got to spend the day with the person who needed us most. This year; my mom made a beautiful breakfast and her home was filled with friends, my dad, my stepmom, my grandma. I just have to sit back and thank God for all these blessings.

It has been an eventful couple of years with lots of joy, some sorrow, but the most important thing is that we are all together. God is good, and life is beautiful any way you slice it. I have a life today that I didn't know I wanted. I am present, I am aware, and I am grateful.

Justice is getting what we deserve, mercy is not getting what we deserve, and grace is getting a life that we don't deserve. Merry Christmas, and let's have a wonderful 2014, shall we?

Cheers!

Driving in the Valley - A Road Rage Rant

Driving in Las Vegas is like a combination of Death Race and the Demolition Derby. It's just re-damn-diculous. Every day.... I feel like I am my worst self when I'm driving to work in the morning. It's not because I'm upset about going to work, I love my work. I just get tired of these wingnuts behind the wheel!!!

Every morning on the 15 south, there's at least 3 or 4 cars that break the double line to get into the express lane. If people do this in CA, it's a $350 fine. But out here in the wild wild west, it's a bloody free for all.

Last week, when attempting to change freeways, a car was STOPPED in the lane with its blinker on to change lanes... STOPPED!!!ON THE FREEWAY!!!! Then there's the loves who won't let you in, or ride your bumper because 85 just isn't fast enough. That's always fun. Or when someone stays even with the car in front of you so you absolutely can not pass. Super pleasant.

I can't tell you how many times I've had a perfectly wonderful day and as soon as I have to deal with humanity on the road, I'm mothertrucking everything... calling these folks everything but a child of God, and sometimes rolling down my window to flip them the bird so they can know just how mad I am, and they deserve to be punished for breaking an unknown Joanna law.

I'm also guilty of driving like an a**hole. Shocking, I know. When I was younger, my cousins called me "Crash" because I was always getting in fender benders and getting tickets and what not. So, driving has always been a bit of an adventure for me.

Vegas is such a melting pot of folks, and quite transient. So, it's just a hodgepodge of the worst driving ever...

I will end this rant with a quote from my friend who suffers from a case of the road rages as well: "I have to remember that everyone, including me, does stupid $#!t on the road ALL the time. When you really think about it, it's amazing that any of us survive a 10 minute trip down the highway"

Deep breaths.... and be nice :-)

Goin' To The Chapel...

He proposed . . . You said yes, and now the planning fun begins!!! I can speak on this because I have been married for exactly one month and twelve days . . . Which obviously qualifies me on an expert. ;-)

Phillip and I had a wonderful wedding. We had tons of family and our best friends all there to celebrate our union. Our wedding was huge. We invited close to 240 people, and our final count was 200. Not sure how many of those actually showed. We think it was about 180. Wowzers!!!

After he proposed I was a little lost as to what to do. My Mama told me that the most important things to lock were a date and a venue. We decided on our anniversary, and thanks to the recommendation of a great friend, we checked out a beautiful venue. Once I saw the grass, the trees, and the lights... I was sold.

There are approximately 11billion websites, blogs, pins, opinions, and feelings related to weddings. Themes, colors, favors, place settings, gifts... OH MY!!! It's all very overwhelming, and I felt like I had to do everything. Also, weddings are expensive. We were blessed, lucky, and beyond grateful to have financial support from our parents.

Date. Venue. Budget. These are three very important things when it comes to wedding planning. The rest is just frosting on what is going to be the best cupcake ever. I'm a super Type A personality. I'm ridiculously organized and prepared, and I get anxiety if things aren't just so. Learning how to let go, and trust that things would be okay were big lessons for me. There were some arguments (there will be) and a few meltdown moments. But ultimately, we were planning a huge party, and parties are funsies!!

Phil & I are huge sports fans. So, deciding our colors and theme was easy. Blue (of the Dodger variety) and silver (let's go Dallas). I knew exactly what kind of dress I wanted, and it took me all of 19 minutes to find the dresses I wanted for my bridesmaids.

I used a few resources for wedding stuff; the knot, a great book by Colin Cowie and I used some ideas from Pinterest. I also went to my sis in law for ideas as well. We had a lot of help and we had a lot of fun. I knew what kind of shower I wanted and my friend graciously offered to host it. Phillip's awesome sister hosted our engagement party and our rehearsal dinner. The 10 months that we spent planning our wedding were filled with love, laughter, an awesome vacation, and wonderful memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

We picked our playlist, we picked our food, the invites had been sent and responded to, and there wasn't much more to do other than kick back and wait for our day.

A word on invites. We sent them 3 months before our wedding date. We didn't send save the dates because we felt 3 months was adequate notice, and save the dates were an added expense. There were a lot of folks who didn't respond and after about a week after the rsvp date; we got a hold of them. There were last-minute dropouts and a some no shows. The best thing to do there is just roll with it. I was so happy about who was there that I didn't have much time to focus on who wasn't.

My girls stayed the night with me the night before and Philly went to a hotel. :-( it was the first night that we had spent apart in months and I missed him terribly. However, the anticipation of not seeing him all day was wonderful. My girls and I stayed up way too late talking, and I finally fell asleep at around 3. We went to breakfast in the morning and around noon my house was full of females!! 2 makeup artists, 2 hairdressers, 3 bridesmaids, 1 photographer, and me. It was an explosion of hair, and make up everywhere.

We decided to do our pictures before the wedding to give us more time to enjoy our reception. I'm so glad that we did this. I'll never forget the butterflies in my tummy when my husband saw me for the first time. We had a lot of fun doing pictures and once guests started to arrive, I scurried off to the bridal room.

The ceremony was wonderful, the music was perfect, and I vowed to love this man no matter what for the rest of our days.

The reception was super fun and my only regret is not getting to spend more time with everyone there. We also didn't eat much, but we had a great time. We danced to the music that bonded us and we basked in them love of our family and friends.

I write this as an experience that I had with wedding planning, but I write this as a thank you. Thank you to everyone whom came to our wedding, to our wedding party. You all were amazing in every way. Thank you to our parents and our families, without whom, we wouldn't have been able to have the wedding we did. Ultimately, I thank God for bringing us together, and I thank my sweet Phillip for this wonderful life. I love you, dearly.