It's been a good long while since I've posted anything on here, but I figured it was past time to dust off the ol blog and write some things. If anyone has been with me for any length of time, you know my love for the city of LA. I spend a fair amount of time there every year between the Dodgers and Disney. California in general is a place that I love, that I hold very dear. The images coming out over the last couple of days have had me in tears. I can't imagine the devastation, or fleeing my home, and I hope that we as humans walking through this world that somehting like this can happen to anyone, anywhere. From hurricaines in Florida, freezes in Texas and wildfires in California, none of us are immune.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here, other than let's pray and think of our fellows when situations like this come up. We all live in this world, and my hope is that somehow, some way, we can make it a little bit kinder, a little bit softer.
Wednesday, January 8, 2025
Monday, October 2, 2023
Music and Memories of My Mother
“I could bear the memory, but I could not bear the music that made the memory such a killing thing.”
- Pat Conroy - Beach Music
I’m listening to David Bowie and thinking about my Mom. Growing up in my house was to grow up in a house full of music, including the Thin White Duke. I can hardly listen to Bowie and not cry. That’s what the memory does for me. The music brings to life the memories of my childhood, when my Mother and I would dance, we would sing, we would sway and we would love. Like every mother and daughter since the beginning of time, my Mom and I had our issues, but I never ever ever doubted that I was loved. That’s the biggest gift my Mama ever gave me. She loved me fiercely, unconditionally and with every fiber of her being. She instilled in me a love of good music, and did we ever rock the F** out. We went to countless shows together followed by late night dinners at either Mr. Lucky’s or The Peppermill.
We sang together in the car with the windows down and driving faster than we were supposed to, we sang at karaoke spots and piano bars, we sang in the house. I remember watching Florence & The Machine on some show, and there’s a spot where Florence’s voice just cracks with pain and it’s so damn beautiful, and my Mommy turns to me and says, “we know that pain, don’t we honey” Man, I miss her. I miss her. I would give ANYTHING to hug her just one more time. A really good one too, you know those full body, super long and loving hugs? One of those. I miss sharing life with her, but I am so so lucky that I had her for as long as I did.
- Pat Conroy - Beach Music
I’m listening to David Bowie and thinking about my Mom. Growing up in my house was to grow up in a house full of music, including the Thin White Duke. I can hardly listen to Bowie and not cry. That’s what the memory does for me. The music brings to life the memories of my childhood, when my Mother and I would dance, we would sing, we would sway and we would love. Like every mother and daughter since the beginning of time, my Mom and I had our issues, but I never ever ever doubted that I was loved. That’s the biggest gift my Mama ever gave me. She loved me fiercely, unconditionally and with every fiber of her being. She instilled in me a love of good music, and did we ever rock the F** out. We went to countless shows together followed by late night dinners at either Mr. Lucky’s or The Peppermill.
We sang together in the car with the windows down and driving faster than we were supposed to, we sang at karaoke spots and piano bars, we sang in the house. I remember watching Florence & The Machine on some show, and there’s a spot where Florence’s voice just cracks with pain and it’s so damn beautiful, and my Mommy turns to me and says, “we know that pain, don’t we honey” Man, I miss her. I miss her. I would give ANYTHING to hug her just one more time. A really good one too, you know those full body, super long and loving hugs? One of those. I miss sharing life with her, but I am so so lucky that I had her for as long as I did.
Thursday, October 8, 2020
It's Gotta Be Now
It's the top of the 8th, the bases are full of Dodgers, the score is 8-3 in favor of my Bums, nobody's out and the count is 0 and 2 on Bellinger. This year is weird for sports, 2020 is weird and chaotic for everything but my guys are playing at Globe Life Park in Texas when the ALDS was being played in Dodger Stadium, it makes not a lick of sense to me but people MUCH smarter than I are responsible for those decisions. I have multiple conversations happening with various Dodger fans in my life, my Cousin, my Niece, my Dad and my good buddy. I watched Justin Turner pass Steve Garvey for the most post season hits in Dodger history, last night Cody Bellinger made a catch that had me coming out of my face with how good it is and I realize how much of a blessing it is to watch this team, to watch this group of guys grind out and get shit done, and how special they are.
This is the first baseball season since I was probably 5 years old or younger that I haven't gone to a Dodger game. I know that's a Cadillac problem, but this team is as much a part of me as my eye color or blood type, there's no changing it. The sky is blue, water is wet, the sun rises in the east and I bleed Dodger Blue.
I realized when I was messaging my with my Dad what's different about 'Dem Bums this year, it's not just the presence of Mookie Betts, although having the AL & NL MVP on my team isn't a bad problem to have, it isn't JUST that. It's that this group, Joc Pederson, Max Muncy, Chris Taylor, AJ Pollock . . . They're not going to be the same group next season. If they're gonna do it, it's gotta be now. Clayton Kershaw who has broken every record, passed historic greats, won countless awards . . . Needs a ring. He's not getting any younger. Kenley Jansen is all but done, Baby Joc is most likely out the door when this season is over, how much gas does Pollock have in the tank, and JT is in the last year of his contract with us. Now the lack of a salary cap means we've got some wiggle room, but Belli is gonna get PAAAIIIID and he should, he's a young stud who's only going to improve. I'd like to keep them all, which means I would make an absolutely awful GM. I simply can't make those decisions.
It's the bottom of the 8th now and the score is still 8-3, meaning my guys couldn't get a run across the plate with the bases laoded. Gahhhd, runners in scoring position (RISP) and NOT scoring has always been a thorn for us, but this Padres team is nothing to be trifled with. They've got a good young squad full of hot bats, when they get their pitching dialed in, look out.
Yes, athletes get paid a bunch of money to do something that most of us only dream of, but this year has been chaotic for everybody, and ball players were juuusttt about to start the season when everything shut down. They started the season at what should've been the All Star Break, now they're in a bubble and yes their families are there, but they've had to make sacrafices just like us, and they're living through insanity just like us. To show up every day and keep their heads and play good ball, that shouldn't be discounted.
I digress. I don't even know what point I'm trying to make with this post, I just know that I love this team that has been breaking my heart for so many years, and I'm so glad that I'm able to watch them make history and have fun. If we get by San Diego, we gotta get by the Bravos, neither of which should be considered an easy path. Also, Globe Life Park super sucks! It's like the anti Coors Field. Nothing goes out.
Anyhoodles, life is short, Dodger Baseball is magic.
This is the first baseball season since I was probably 5 years old or younger that I haven't gone to a Dodger game. I know that's a Cadillac problem, but this team is as much a part of me as my eye color or blood type, there's no changing it. The sky is blue, water is wet, the sun rises in the east and I bleed Dodger Blue.
I realized when I was messaging my with my Dad what's different about 'Dem Bums this year, it's not just the presence of Mookie Betts, although having the AL & NL MVP on my team isn't a bad problem to have, it isn't JUST that. It's that this group, Joc Pederson, Max Muncy, Chris Taylor, AJ Pollock . . . They're not going to be the same group next season. If they're gonna do it, it's gotta be now. Clayton Kershaw who has broken every record, passed historic greats, won countless awards . . . Needs a ring. He's not getting any younger. Kenley Jansen is all but done, Baby Joc is most likely out the door when this season is over, how much gas does Pollock have in the tank, and JT is in the last year of his contract with us. Now the lack of a salary cap means we've got some wiggle room, but Belli is gonna get PAAAIIIID and he should, he's a young stud who's only going to improve. I'd like to keep them all, which means I would make an absolutely awful GM. I simply can't make those decisions.
It's the bottom of the 8th now and the score is still 8-3, meaning my guys couldn't get a run across the plate with the bases laoded. Gahhhd, runners in scoring position (RISP) and NOT scoring has always been a thorn for us, but this Padres team is nothing to be trifled with. They've got a good young squad full of hot bats, when they get their pitching dialed in, look out.
Yes, athletes get paid a bunch of money to do something that most of us only dream of, but this year has been chaotic for everybody, and ball players were juuusttt about to start the season when everything shut down. They started the season at what should've been the All Star Break, now they're in a bubble and yes their families are there, but they've had to make sacrafices just like us, and they're living through insanity just like us. To show up every day and keep their heads and play good ball, that shouldn't be discounted.
I digress. I don't even know what point I'm trying to make with this post, I just know that I love this team that has been breaking my heart for so many years, and I'm so glad that I'm able to watch them make history and have fun. If we get by San Diego, we gotta get by the Bravos, neither of which should be considered an easy path. Also, Globe Life Park super sucks! It's like the anti Coors Field. Nothing goes out.
Anyhoodles, life is short, Dodger Baseball is magic.
Saturday, December 14, 2019
A Christmas Story
I love the holidays. I know this makes me a next level weirdo since this is a tough time of year for a lot of people. Hell, it's a tough time of year for me. Especially this year, with having just been laid off a few weeks ago and having a heck of a time trying to find something steady right now. But that's another story for another day. I love Christmas, LOVE IT. I love the lights, the music, the weather. Everything about the Holiday season just makes me happy. Holiday baking shows on the Food Network, Christmas movies, ALL THE HOLIDAY books. I'm all about it. Maybe it's because I was born in December, or maybe it's because humanity is a little bit nicer, whatever the reason; I am a Christmas kid. Always have been and I don't see that changing anytime soon.
2015 was a tough year, and December 2015 was going to be my first Christmas without my Mama. My Mom was a collector of people, and every Christmas she would cook a nice brunch and all were welcome. Family, friends, people who didn't have family or needed a break from theirs, it didn't matter. People would float in and out of her cute little condo and she fed us all. Christmas at my Mom's was really special, and after she passed away, I wanted to continue her tradition of making a nice breakfast for our family, friends, etc.. So, I looked up recipes, found the perfect egg, cheese and potato casserole (seriously, it's SO GOOD) bought the bacon, which I only eat once a year, and I proceeded to Susie Homemaker my ass off.
I got everything prepped on Christmas Eve, but here's the thing; I've never made bacon before. I had no idea how to cook it. I called my bestie, who has these kinds of skills, and she told me how I could make it in the oven. SCORE! So early christmas morning, I leave my lumberjack sleeping in our bed, I go downstairs, I pop my casserole in the oven, I place strips of bacon on a baking sheet and pop everything in the oven. I settled on the couch with my coffee and I'm enjoying the quiet peace of the morning. Just reflecting on the past few months, missing my Mommy. . . and I notice smoke coming from the kitchen. I thought that was normal I guess? I thought that bacon maybe smoked? Well, I didn't think much of it until it started getting a bit heavier. Alarmed, I went to the kitchen and opened my oven . . . Only to find it completely engulfed in flames. I shut the oven door super fast and called for my guy. I told him the oven was on fire. Meanwhile, I had just buzzed my Dad in the front gate, and by the time he got to the front door, the smoke alarms were going bonkers, and Philly was putting the oven fire out with baking soda.
So it turns out, I needed something to catch the dripping bacon grease. Who knew? I was able to salvage my casserole, and not do any serious damage, it could have been much much worse. Now, Philly makes the bacon. I refuse. We have people come over, our families, and a few friends. It's a nice way to spend the morning. I like feeding people, much like my Mother. Although, I doubt she ever burned the bacon past the point of recognition.
At this moment, I'm looking at our Christmasy house. The tree is up, there are lights and light-up animals outside. I have sauce in the crock pot, I made cheesecake cups with lemons from our tree for dessert, and once again I'm reflecting on the last year, and what comes next. There's definitely some fear there, I'm not really sure what happens next for me, I can only trust God that He has a plan, that there's a great job waiting who would love them some JoJo.
Life can get pretty lifey at times, sometimes you burn the bacon, sometimes you get laid off 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and have to adjust on the fly, nothing is ever perfect. But it's always perfectly mine. I'm looking forward to Christmas morning this year, when I get to feed the people I love,and build more memories . . . Maybe some that don't involve almost burning my kitchen down <3
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and I hope the magic finds you this year.
2015 was a tough year, and December 2015 was going to be my first Christmas without my Mama. My Mom was a collector of people, and every Christmas she would cook a nice brunch and all were welcome. Family, friends, people who didn't have family or needed a break from theirs, it didn't matter. People would float in and out of her cute little condo and she fed us all. Christmas at my Mom's was really special, and after she passed away, I wanted to continue her tradition of making a nice breakfast for our family, friends, etc.. So, I looked up recipes, found the perfect egg, cheese and potato casserole (seriously, it's SO GOOD) bought the bacon, which I only eat once a year, and I proceeded to Susie Homemaker my ass off.
I got everything prepped on Christmas Eve, but here's the thing; I've never made bacon before. I had no idea how to cook it. I called my bestie, who has these kinds of skills, and she told me how I could make it in the oven. SCORE! So early christmas morning, I leave my lumberjack sleeping in our bed, I go downstairs, I pop my casserole in the oven, I place strips of bacon on a baking sheet and pop everything in the oven. I settled on the couch with my coffee and I'm enjoying the quiet peace of the morning. Just reflecting on the past few months, missing my Mommy. . . and I notice smoke coming from the kitchen. I thought that was normal I guess? I thought that bacon maybe smoked? Well, I didn't think much of it until it started getting a bit heavier. Alarmed, I went to the kitchen and opened my oven . . . Only to find it completely engulfed in flames. I shut the oven door super fast and called for my guy. I told him the oven was on fire. Meanwhile, I had just buzzed my Dad in the front gate, and by the time he got to the front door, the smoke alarms were going bonkers, and Philly was putting the oven fire out with baking soda.
So it turns out, I needed something to catch the dripping bacon grease. Who knew? I was able to salvage my casserole, and not do any serious damage, it could have been much much worse. Now, Philly makes the bacon. I refuse. We have people come over, our families, and a few friends. It's a nice way to spend the morning. I like feeding people, much like my Mother. Although, I doubt she ever burned the bacon past the point of recognition.
At this moment, I'm looking at our Christmasy house. The tree is up, there are lights and light-up animals outside. I have sauce in the crock pot, I made cheesecake cups with lemons from our tree for dessert, and once again I'm reflecting on the last year, and what comes next. There's definitely some fear there, I'm not really sure what happens next for me, I can only trust God that He has a plan, that there's a great job waiting who would love them some JoJo.
Life can get pretty lifey at times, sometimes you burn the bacon, sometimes you get laid off 2 weeks before Thanksgiving and have to adjust on the fly, nothing is ever perfect. But it's always perfectly mine. I'm looking forward to Christmas morning this year, when I get to feed the people I love,and build more memories . . . Maybe some that don't involve almost burning my kitchen down <3
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and I hope the magic finds you this year.
Tuesday, October 1, 2019
Sports. And Why They Matter.
Anyone who knows me knows about my undying love for the Los Angles Dodgers, they know that my heart beats baseball & that I've forgotten more stats than some people will ever know. A select few even know about my teenage rebellion where I rooted for the Braves for one season. It was Chipper Jones' rookie year, don't give me any shit. But sports for me was something I grew up with. Dodger Baseball was the bridge of communication between my father and I when we couldn't talk about anything else. No matter what, we always had baseball, we still do. I have a love/hate relationship with my team in the playoffs and my heart cracks a little every time my Lefty gets shelled. I can't bear to watch it. The beauty of Bellinger's swing, Big Leaguer Seager the double king, KiKi Hernandez playing everywhere ever, and Baby Joc just roping home runs. It's fun, and it's heartbreaking and every emotion in between.
2015 was a banner fucking year for me. (I swear. a lot. Are you new here?) My Mama had been sick for a while, and she wasn't getting better. I made a really tough decision and left a career at a company that I loved so I could be with her. That was in April, 6 weeks later my Mom was gone. Even though I knew it was coming, nothing ever really prepares you for that moment. The moment that my tether, ceased to be on this mortal coil. She passed in June, and I got pregnant in July. In August, we had a miscarriage. The hope I had, the joy I felt, that little glimmer that somehow things would be brighter, was gone. I have always been a pretty social and outgoing person. Throughout these losses, I ceased to be so. I started to retreat into myself, and I became reclusive. By the time my Gram passed away a few months later, I was completely broken. That's it in a nutshell, if you want to know more, I have a book out about this very thing ;-). A few years went by of me trying to find my footing, find my place, search for a new normal,and it was rough. I put on weight, I maxed out my credit cards, I rarely left my house.
Then, hockey happened. I have watched hockey on a surface level for years. I was mostly a Kings fan, since my love for L.A encompasses all things. But really, I watched the Kings in the 90's when the likes of Wayne Gretzky, Luc Robitaille, and Marty McSorley were on the ice. I didn't know much about the sport (I still don't if we're being honest here). I went to the occasional Wrangler game with my crew, but I was a casual fan at best. I am married to a sports guy. He's a football savant, and most of our dates were at Rebel basketball games. We are sports people. So, when Vegas announced they were trying to get an NHL team here, my dude was ALL IN.
I told you all of that so I could tell you this - Hockey saved me. Or started to. When the Golden Knights showed up, suddenly my guy and I were out of the house. Random hockey dates in the middle of the week, we met new people, we were out of the house on a regular basis, and I started to come alive again. The Knights united our city after the tragedy of October 1, and in all my years here, I've never seen anything like it. The way our city came together was brilliantly beautiful at a gut-wrenching tragic time. Through all of my turmoil, hockey helped me find my way out. Over the course of the season, our boys kept getting better and better and somehow made it to the Final in our first year, it was a ride, and I was happy to be on it. But, for the first time in years, I was happy. I had joy, and I was finding my way back to myself.
Life got real lifey over the last 4 years, and I lost myself. It was about 18 months ago, things came to a head for me. I was still pretty miserable, overweight, and I hadn't dealt with the trauma of losing my Mother, or losing our baby. I always say how blessed I am to have my friends, my husband, my family, and they all stood by me when I was at my worst. I started going to therapy (amen for outside help) I developed a regular gym routine, I started making time for my friends again, and getting out of the damn house. I fell deeper in love with my sweetheart, and we worked through some gnarly stuff. But slowly and surely I started to find my me again. She had been gone for some time. And it all started with hockey.
I turned 40 in December, I never thought I'd live this long to be honest. And while life is definitely in session, I'm living. For the first time in 4 years, I am truly living my one wild and precious life. It's short. And it's my job to enjoy it. So, sports matter in the Mueller household, and they matter in the Casey household, because, like music, it's a thing that unites us. It's a bridge that brings us together. I have a beautiful big life. And I will never ever cease to be grateful for that.
- FIN -
2015 was a banner fucking year for me. (I swear. a lot. Are you new here?) My Mama had been sick for a while, and she wasn't getting better. I made a really tough decision and left a career at a company that I loved so I could be with her. That was in April, 6 weeks later my Mom was gone. Even though I knew it was coming, nothing ever really prepares you for that moment. The moment that my tether, ceased to be on this mortal coil. She passed in June, and I got pregnant in July. In August, we had a miscarriage. The hope I had, the joy I felt, that little glimmer that somehow things would be brighter, was gone. I have always been a pretty social and outgoing person. Throughout these losses, I ceased to be so. I started to retreat into myself, and I became reclusive. By the time my Gram passed away a few months later, I was completely broken. That's it in a nutshell, if you want to know more, I have a book out about this very thing ;-). A few years went by of me trying to find my footing, find my place, search for a new normal,and it was rough. I put on weight, I maxed out my credit cards, I rarely left my house.
Then, hockey happened. I have watched hockey on a surface level for years. I was mostly a Kings fan, since my love for L.A encompasses all things. But really, I watched the Kings in the 90's when the likes of Wayne Gretzky, Luc Robitaille, and Marty McSorley were on the ice. I didn't know much about the sport (I still don't if we're being honest here). I went to the occasional Wrangler game with my crew, but I was a casual fan at best. I am married to a sports guy. He's a football savant, and most of our dates were at Rebel basketball games. We are sports people. So, when Vegas announced they were trying to get an NHL team here, my dude was ALL IN.
I told you all of that so I could tell you this - Hockey saved me. Or started to. When the Golden Knights showed up, suddenly my guy and I were out of the house. Random hockey dates in the middle of the week, we met new people, we were out of the house on a regular basis, and I started to come alive again. The Knights united our city after the tragedy of October 1, and in all my years here, I've never seen anything like it. The way our city came together was brilliantly beautiful at a gut-wrenching tragic time. Through all of my turmoil, hockey helped me find my way out. Over the course of the season, our boys kept getting better and better and somehow made it to the Final in our first year, it was a ride, and I was happy to be on it. But, for the first time in years, I was happy. I had joy, and I was finding my way back to myself.
Life got real lifey over the last 4 years, and I lost myself. It was about 18 months ago, things came to a head for me. I was still pretty miserable, overweight, and I hadn't dealt with the trauma of losing my Mother, or losing our baby. I always say how blessed I am to have my friends, my husband, my family, and they all stood by me when I was at my worst. I started going to therapy (amen for outside help) I developed a regular gym routine, I started making time for my friends again, and getting out of the damn house. I fell deeper in love with my sweetheart, and we worked through some gnarly stuff. But slowly and surely I started to find my me again. She had been gone for some time. And it all started with hockey.
I turned 40 in December, I never thought I'd live this long to be honest. And while life is definitely in session, I'm living. For the first time in 4 years, I am truly living my one wild and precious life. It's short. And it's my job to enjoy it. So, sports matter in the Mueller household, and they matter in the Casey household, because, like music, it's a thing that unites us. It's a bridge that brings us together. I have a beautiful big life. And I will never ever cease to be grateful for that.
- FIN -
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Lessons
1 - Your husband better always be your boyfriend
2 - It's better to be single than wish you were
3 - If you cheat at cards, your Grandad will NEVER play a game with you again
4 - It's bad luck to have 2 people change the sheets
5 - Looks fade & money doesn't always last, find someone that makes you laugh
6 - Homemade lemon bars are great, but Betty Crocker is easier
7 - If your problems can be fixed with money, then they're not that bad
8 - There are no exes in this family and there are no steps
9 - No is a complete sentence
10 - When in doubt, stay out of it
11 - Take your time to find the perfect cove
Today marks one year since my tiny Grandmother shuffled off this mortal coil. She was a pretty rad lady, all 4'10" of her. She and my Grandad were relationship goals. They were married for 47 years, raised 4 kids, umpteen grandkids and a few great grandkids. She lived through the Depression, an alcoholic husband, and raised my Dad & My Auntie on her own until my Grandad came along. Their story is one that I read about in my books. She was small in stature and huge in spirit. If you've ever seen That 70s Show, Red & Kitty Foreman are my grandparents.
My Gram was working at the phone company and so was my Grandad, Jack. He asked her out a lot and she said no a lot. She said "I have two small kids at home and I need to be home with them" Sick of being rejected, my Grandad said o her "If I bring the meat will you cook it?" and that was that. Fast forward 6 months, she comes home from work and he's sitting on the couch with a big ol dress box. "Jack", she says "what's in the box?" and he looks at her and says "it's all our bills, and I'm trying to figure out with all these bills, and all these kids how we can afford to get married." And that... was that. They drove to Vegas on 5 bucks and got married. They had a really beautiful life, and they set a foundation for the rest of us, an example of what relationships are supposed to look like.
I've been blessed with a bevy of stellar women that shaped and molded me into the woman I am today, I'm eternally grateful for the strong, take no shit ladies that taught me how to live, and were always there to carry me through my messes. So, today, I honor my Gram with my words, I celebrate her unique personality and I value the lessons that she taught me.
This picture is me in the 7th grade, astride my mare, Foxy.
Monday, May 8, 2017
Mother's Day
May is not an easy month for me. It's my Mom's month. On May 30th, she would have been 64, and she celebrated her birthday all month. A tradition, that my Dad seems to have picked up as well. In between May Day and her birthday is Mother's Day. My Mama was a Diva to her core, and she liked to be spoiled, and I liked to do nice things for her when I could. Right now, I wanna hurl shit at the television every time a Mother's Day commercial comes on or I get an email or some ad on Facebook "would Mom love this?" yes, yes she would have. It's been almost 2 years since she died, and I still miss her every day. It's not the same gut wrenching, sharp pain that I felt at the beginning, but it's still there. This constant ache and reminder that something important is missing.
I am my Mother's child through and through. I am the embodiment of a flower child and a construction worker. I am the best parts of these people, and I am so grateful for the parents that I was given. I know a lot of people don't have it so good, and I was and am always happy to loan out my folks. Even though it's been almost 2 years, I'm still getting used to being motherless.. Most days it's okay, but lately with all the Mother's Day brouhaha everywhere, it makes me wanna break shit. I'm so aware that she's not physically here and it's like... glaring.
* Sideyes everything and internalizes Hallmark holiday bullshit*
Don't mind me. I'm just feeling sorry for mahself.... The reality is that I'm not the first person to lose a parent. Many people have been through this. In fact, just in my circle of friends alone there's like 5 of us who have lost a parent in the last few years. It's a level of grown up that I don't really think I'm ready for, and I don't feel all that equipped to deal with big things like Mother's Day or her birthday or the anniversary of her death.
My Mom was the balance between my Dad and I. She softened us, she made us better. She was funny without meaning to be, she was calming, and kept a peaceful home. She had a heart bigger than Texas and she always had room at her table. She wasn't without fault. She was human, and she was . . . . Special ;-) But my Mom embodied true love. She met EVERYONE where they were. She didn't judge people, or ask them to be anything different than exactly who they were. She was never quiet about her faith, but she didn't hit anyone over the head with it either. She was just fuckin' cool. In every way a person could be. So yeah, I miss her. I miss doing stuff with her. I've talked it about a lot here, but this is my little space in the world, where I can vomit out my thoughts.
So, nothing new. I miss my Mommy. Hug yours if you can, make Sunday special for her in some type of way and to all my friends that are Mamas or soon to be <3 I have all the love in the world for you. Raising kids does NOT look easy, and I know raising me was not a walk in the park. I'm rebellious and cantankerous on a good day, but my Mama saw through all that to the core of who I am and loved me through it. I miss her, but fuck am I grateful for the 36 years that I had with her.
I am my Mother's child through and through. I am the embodiment of a flower child and a construction worker. I am the best parts of these people, and I am so grateful for the parents that I was given. I know a lot of people don't have it so good, and I was and am always happy to loan out my folks. Even though it's been almost 2 years, I'm still getting used to being motherless.. Most days it's okay, but lately with all the Mother's Day brouhaha everywhere, it makes me wanna break shit. I'm so aware that she's not physically here and it's like... glaring.
* Sideyes everything and internalizes Hallmark holiday bullshit*
Don't mind me. I'm just feeling sorry for mahself.... The reality is that I'm not the first person to lose a parent. Many people have been through this. In fact, just in my circle of friends alone there's like 5 of us who have lost a parent in the last few years. It's a level of grown up that I don't really think I'm ready for, and I don't feel all that equipped to deal with big things like Mother's Day or her birthday or the anniversary of her death.
My Mom was the balance between my Dad and I. She softened us, she made us better. She was funny without meaning to be, she was calming, and kept a peaceful home. She had a heart bigger than Texas and she always had room at her table. She wasn't without fault. She was human, and she was . . . . Special ;-) But my Mom embodied true love. She met EVERYONE where they were. She didn't judge people, or ask them to be anything different than exactly who they were. She was never quiet about her faith, but she didn't hit anyone over the head with it either. She was just fuckin' cool. In every way a person could be. So yeah, I miss her. I miss doing stuff with her. I've talked it about a lot here, but this is my little space in the world, where I can vomit out my thoughts.
So, nothing new. I miss my Mommy. Hug yours if you can, make Sunday special for her in some type of way and to all my friends that are Mamas or soon to be <3 I have all the love in the world for you. Raising kids does NOT look easy, and I know raising me was not a walk in the park. I'm rebellious and cantankerous on a good day, but my Mama saw through all that to the core of who I am and loved me through it. I miss her, but fuck am I grateful for the 36 years that I had with her.
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
Beware!!!! Super rambly post ahead ;-)
I spend a lot of time in the car. For the record, I LOVE my car. It's vain and ridiculous but I love it. ANYWAY - I do some of my best thinking while driving and listening to music that stirs my soul, and today on my morning commute I was reflecting on how damn lucky I am to live the life that I live. The world is burning, and there is so much ugliness out there. I'm not getting into it here, because we all read the same feeds on the book of face and the twitters and the snappy chattys. There's no need for me to dissect it all. If you read this, or you know me at all, you know I lean left.
I am coming out of the worst depression of my life. PTSD & high anxiety absolutely crippled me from 2015 on. My go-to coping skills used to be drugs, booze, and sex, but I never had to deal with anything real before. So, when life hit me over the head with Thor's hammer, I didn't know what to do with myself. Prayer, meditation and meetings gave me a little bit of peace, but the pain that I was in was immeasurable. I ate my feelings and spent too much money on crap I didn't need just so that I could feel better for five fucking minutes. As a result, I'm heavier than I have ever been and I've got some substantial debt. But these are things that I can fix. And for the first time in a long time, I want to. I'm ready to make the changes that I need to make in order to be my best self. I've set some goals already - finishing my book and getting a new job, and these are goals that I've reached, and it feels good! Setting attainable goals, conquering them, this has done WONDERS for my self esteem. I'm back on a healthy eating plan, and paying down my debt as best as I can. I'm pretty open about who I am and the stuff I go through, life is messy, and weird and needs to be talked about. We all put up our highlight reel and that's what we show the world, but my highlight reel has some glitches in it, and those glitches have made me who I am.
But this is all old news to anyone who follows me or reads this stream of consciousness. It's been 2 years since I left Zappos, and just like I stumbled into that job, I've stumbled my way into this one too. It's kinda perfect. Beautiful, messy, and fitting.
I can't describe how it feels to feel like myself again. For so long, I was a shell. And there's a few people who carried me through that. We weren't meant to walk this world alone and I literally have NO idea how I got so lucky as to have the relationships that I have, but I'm forever in gratitude about it. I think that that's something that we all need to remember, especially now when things in the world are so uncertain and scary.
I'm grateful for my sobriety, I have felt awkward, insecure, and uncomfortable in my skin for as long as I can remember and getting sober changed a lot of that for me. I'm always grateful for my Dude. Everyone that I ever "dated" told me that I was too much. Too loud, too opinionated, too extra, just too. And Philly has accepted me exactly as I am from jump, he challenges me in the best ways, and he makes me want to be better. My Dad, my constant strength in this life. He forever has my back, has always been present. I married a rockstar dude because I had a rockstar Dad. I have the best friends in the whole wide world, seriously. Both in person and online, my friends believe in me, and give me the strength I need to face every day. My authors and books have given me a much needed escape and a safe community where I feel okay not being okay. I'm grateful for great music that sounds great loud as hell, and my midlife crisis car.
I feel like this is similar to my last post, but I don't care. It's important to me to counter all the yuck in the world with something loving. I say this ALL THE TIME and it will never ever not be true, I have been blessed with abundance, and born into privilege that I absolutely do not deserve. I strive every day to be a better human, and to make my little corner of the world a better place. Thank you to each and every soul who has stood by me and guided me on this journey.
I am coming out of the worst depression of my life. PTSD & high anxiety absolutely crippled me from 2015 on. My go-to coping skills used to be drugs, booze, and sex, but I never had to deal with anything real before. So, when life hit me over the head with Thor's hammer, I didn't know what to do with myself. Prayer, meditation and meetings gave me a little bit of peace, but the pain that I was in was immeasurable. I ate my feelings and spent too much money on crap I didn't need just so that I could feel better for five fucking minutes. As a result, I'm heavier than I have ever been and I've got some substantial debt. But these are things that I can fix. And for the first time in a long time, I want to. I'm ready to make the changes that I need to make in order to be my best self. I've set some goals already - finishing my book and getting a new job, and these are goals that I've reached, and it feels good! Setting attainable goals, conquering them, this has done WONDERS for my self esteem. I'm back on a healthy eating plan, and paying down my debt as best as I can. I'm pretty open about who I am and the stuff I go through, life is messy, and weird and needs to be talked about. We all put up our highlight reel and that's what we show the world, but my highlight reel has some glitches in it, and those glitches have made me who I am.
But this is all old news to anyone who follows me or reads this stream of consciousness. It's been 2 years since I left Zappos, and just like I stumbled into that job, I've stumbled my way into this one too. It's kinda perfect. Beautiful, messy, and fitting.
I can't describe how it feels to feel like myself again. For so long, I was a shell. And there's a few people who carried me through that. We weren't meant to walk this world alone and I literally have NO idea how I got so lucky as to have the relationships that I have, but I'm forever in gratitude about it. I think that that's something that we all need to remember, especially now when things in the world are so uncertain and scary.
I'm grateful for my sobriety, I have felt awkward, insecure, and uncomfortable in my skin for as long as I can remember and getting sober changed a lot of that for me. I'm always grateful for my Dude. Everyone that I ever "dated" told me that I was too much. Too loud, too opinionated, too extra, just too. And Philly has accepted me exactly as I am from jump, he challenges me in the best ways, and he makes me want to be better. My Dad, my constant strength in this life. He forever has my back, has always been present. I married a rockstar dude because I had a rockstar Dad. I have the best friends in the whole wide world, seriously. Both in person and online, my friends believe in me, and give me the strength I need to face every day. My authors and books have given me a much needed escape and a safe community where I feel okay not being okay. I'm grateful for great music that sounds great loud as hell, and my midlife crisis car.
I feel like this is similar to my last post, but I don't care. It's important to me to counter all the yuck in the world with something loving. I say this ALL THE TIME and it will never ever not be true, I have been blessed with abundance, and born into privilege that I absolutely do not deserve. I strive every day to be a better human, and to make my little corner of the world a better place. Thank you to each and every soul who has stood by me and guided me on this journey.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Stuff and Things. . .
Man, I am 100% terrible about keeping up with this blog, and life events . . . Jeeez. So, some new stuff is happening and I thought I'd share with my 12 followers what's going on!!
First - I finished my book!!!! I did I did! It's with an editor at the mo, but as soon as I get my edits back and revised that sucker is going up on the 'Zon. I am going to self publish, not for any other reason than I just want to get it up and out into the world. I don't know if it'll reach anyone or if anyone will like it, but writing my story has been the goal of my life for as long as I can remember and it's done, yo! So, if you're into the way I spin words, give it a look see. I'm hoping to have it up within the next month. I'll post the buy link here there and everywhere.
Next, I got a new job!!!! YAYHAY!!!!! I have been looking for somewhere to land ever since I left Zappos and while I loved working in treatment, at the time I was suffering from PTSD and depression, and was not in a great mental place to be dealing with alcoholics and addicts in their cups. However, that job was the most fulfilled I had ever been while at work. My next gig in recruiting was pretty much terrible in every way, and I was looking for something new almost immediately upon starting there. I am not a job hopper, hell, I was at Zappos for 7+ years. I like to bloom where I'm planted and grow with an organization, so having two different jobs in the span of a year was not awesome. I gave it the old college try though, I did. The money was good and the schedule was something I could live with, but my soul was dying. I'm not being dramatic either, so don't go getting me a fainting couch just yet. Through the boyfriend of a friend I have landed as an assistant in a law firm. Some days I feel really out of my depth but I've been here a little over a month and I gotta tell ya . . . I love it. I'm learning so much and everyone is super nice, there's a lax dress code and some schedule flexibility. It feels good to be happy at work again. I like the work, I like the people and I think they like me, but who knows really.
I'm coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my Mother's death and I'm just now starting to feel like myself again. I had always prided myself on my strength and fortitude, and my ability to face life on life's terms and do it with an attitude. My Mom getting sick really threw me in a way that made me question everything I thought I knew about myself. I am just now starting to feel like me again . . Funny, and happy, and positive.
Mental health is a hot button issue in our country at the mo and there's this inherent American belief that everyone should be able to just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and handle shit. I was the queen of handling shit, and I crumbled under the weight of my grief. There were days that I couldn't get out of bed . . . Much less put on pants and face the day. Some days I would sleep until late in the afternoon, and eat my feelings or spend money just to feel fucking better for a little bit. That's depression, kids. And it crippled me in a way that I had never experienced. I thank God for my husband, who I will never ever stop gushing about. He's the damn best there is and he carried me through that time in my life with humor and love and a modicum of patience. My crew, my friends, Katie, Pania, Amanda, Miguel, Charlotte, etc... Too many to list but that core group of people got me out of the house when I was barely functioning. There's a group of people that believed in me and without that support I don't know where I'd be.
I was off work for 9 months. From April 2015 to January of 2016 and I was home . . . I spent most of that time reading and losing myself in really good books and connecting with other readers online. I can't say enough about my book friends. Those wonderful people who I may never meet in person but who loved me through that time and gave me a safe place to land. There's a lot of yip yap out there about "safe spaces" and I'm living breathing proof that having a place where I felt comfortable enough to be myself and talk about books and life helped me heal. I've connected with some amazing people over the last couple of years and built solid relationships through the wonder of books.
Book friends are the best friends!!!
You never know what battle someone is having in their life or in their own mind, so be kind. The world could use more of that . . . Love and kindness.
Baseball season is just around the corner and I'm fully prepared for my Bums to break my heart just one more time . . .
So that's my check in - life is in session and I face every day to the best of my ability, but I don't do it alone and for that I am forever grateful.
First - I finished my book!!!! I did I did! It's with an editor at the mo, but as soon as I get my edits back and revised that sucker is going up on the 'Zon. I am going to self publish, not for any other reason than I just want to get it up and out into the world. I don't know if it'll reach anyone or if anyone will like it, but writing my story has been the goal of my life for as long as I can remember and it's done, yo! So, if you're into the way I spin words, give it a look see. I'm hoping to have it up within the next month. I'll post the buy link here there and everywhere.
Next, I got a new job!!!! YAYHAY!!!!! I have been looking for somewhere to land ever since I left Zappos and while I loved working in treatment, at the time I was suffering from PTSD and depression, and was not in a great mental place to be dealing with alcoholics and addicts in their cups. However, that job was the most fulfilled I had ever been while at work. My next gig in recruiting was pretty much terrible in every way, and I was looking for something new almost immediately upon starting there. I am not a job hopper, hell, I was at Zappos for 7+ years. I like to bloom where I'm planted and grow with an organization, so having two different jobs in the span of a year was not awesome. I gave it the old college try though, I did. The money was good and the schedule was something I could live with, but my soul was dying. I'm not being dramatic either, so don't go getting me a fainting couch just yet. Through the boyfriend of a friend I have landed as an assistant in a law firm. Some days I feel really out of my depth but I've been here a little over a month and I gotta tell ya . . . I love it. I'm learning so much and everyone is super nice, there's a lax dress code and some schedule flexibility. It feels good to be happy at work again. I like the work, I like the people and I think they like me, but who knows really.
I'm coming up on the 2 year anniversary of my Mother's death and I'm just now starting to feel like myself again. I had always prided myself on my strength and fortitude, and my ability to face life on life's terms and do it with an attitude. My Mom getting sick really threw me in a way that made me question everything I thought I knew about myself. I am just now starting to feel like me again . . Funny, and happy, and positive.
Mental health is a hot button issue in our country at the mo and there's this inherent American belief that everyone should be able to just pull themselves up by their bootstraps and handle shit. I was the queen of handling shit, and I crumbled under the weight of my grief. There were days that I couldn't get out of bed . . . Much less put on pants and face the day. Some days I would sleep until late in the afternoon, and eat my feelings or spend money just to feel fucking better for a little bit. That's depression, kids. And it crippled me in a way that I had never experienced. I thank God for my husband, who I will never ever stop gushing about. He's the damn best there is and he carried me through that time in my life with humor and love and a modicum of patience. My crew, my friends, Katie, Pania, Amanda, Miguel, Charlotte, etc... Too many to list but that core group of people got me out of the house when I was barely functioning. There's a group of people that believed in me and without that support I don't know where I'd be.
I was off work for 9 months. From April 2015 to January of 2016 and I was home . . . I spent most of that time reading and losing myself in really good books and connecting with other readers online. I can't say enough about my book friends. Those wonderful people who I may never meet in person but who loved me through that time and gave me a safe place to land. There's a lot of yip yap out there about "safe spaces" and I'm living breathing proof that having a place where I felt comfortable enough to be myself and talk about books and life helped me heal. I've connected with some amazing people over the last couple of years and built solid relationships through the wonder of books.
Book friends are the best friends!!!
You never know what battle someone is having in their life or in their own mind, so be kind. The world could use more of that . . . Love and kindness.
Baseball season is just around the corner and I'm fully prepared for my Bums to break my heart just one more time . . .
So that's my check in - life is in session and I face every day to the best of my ability, but I don't do it alone and for that I am forever grateful.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
Work Work Work Work
Is anyone else singing that Rhianna song in their head right now? I'm totally thinking it. . . . Like, still. So Happy New Year!!!!! 2015 was pretty brutal, 2016 was like Chernobyl levels of awful, so I for one am super happy positive and way stoked to see what 2017 has in store! I have big hopes and dreams and goals for the coming year. Mainly to get my book finished and published by next month. I really need to get that mother done. It has been the biggest goal of my life and I'm so close to the finish line and now I've let off the gas and I don't really know why. I'm easily distracted by my husband, and good books, and online friends, and shiny things and CAKE!
So, if any of you follow me on the Twitter ya'll know I hate my job. Like haaaaaaaaaaate it. Like, I have a sense of impending doom every time I leave the house to come here. The money is decent and the hours are good, but the work itself is soul sucking and competitive and cutthroat and just.. wow... Not for me. I've never been sicker than I have been since coming to work here, like legit, my health is baaaad. No one really laughs, everyone is all laced up and serious and conservative and numbers oh god numbers! I just can't with it. CAN NOT. I started this job in July and began desperately seeking new employment in like.... August. Mayyyyybe September. I've applied so many places, I have reached out to every contact I've made over the last decade. I've hit up people I don't know on LinkedIn. . . . Legit. I've scored a few interviews but other than that? No dice. I haven't been rejected this much since High School . . . No lie.
New Year new searches, yeah?!!! I applied for I think 8 more places today. Short of taking out a billboard I'm at a loss as to what to do. So here I am . . . Pleading to my friends, the universe . . . Anyone who will listen who might have a friend or know someone who maybe might need an administrative person, an Excel boss, an HR assistant, a copywriter, a personal assistant . . . A receptionist, whatever!!!!
I'm not sure why this path has been so rocky for me. Trust me, I know how good I had it at the big Z. I miss it. I miss the camaraderie and family atmosphere that I enjoyed while there. There's a lot that I DON'T miss, mind you, but it was a great place that served a wonderful purpose for the time that it did. I refuse to give up hope, I refuse to stop trying. Some company SOMEWHERE will take a chance on me. I'm asking all of you to put those positive thoughts out into the ether for me. I'll take whatever help I can get. . .
I'm not above sacrificing a chicken.
Seriously
So, if any of you follow me on the Twitter ya'll know I hate my job. Like haaaaaaaaaaate it. Like, I have a sense of impending doom every time I leave the house to come here. The money is decent and the hours are good, but the work itself is soul sucking and competitive and cutthroat and just.. wow... Not for me. I've never been sicker than I have been since coming to work here, like legit, my health is baaaad. No one really laughs, everyone is all laced up and serious and conservative and numbers oh god numbers! I just can't with it. CAN NOT. I started this job in July and began desperately seeking new employment in like.... August. Mayyyyybe September. I've applied so many places, I have reached out to every contact I've made over the last decade. I've hit up people I don't know on LinkedIn. . . . Legit. I've scored a few interviews but other than that? No dice. I haven't been rejected this much since High School . . . No lie.
New Year new searches, yeah?!!! I applied for I think 8 more places today. Short of taking out a billboard I'm at a loss as to what to do. So here I am . . . Pleading to my friends, the universe . . . Anyone who will listen who might have a friend or know someone who maybe might need an administrative person, an Excel boss, an HR assistant, a copywriter, a personal assistant . . . A receptionist, whatever!!!!
I'm not sure why this path has been so rocky for me. Trust me, I know how good I had it at the big Z. I miss it. I miss the camaraderie and family atmosphere that I enjoyed while there. There's a lot that I DON'T miss, mind you, but it was a great place that served a wonderful purpose for the time that it did. I refuse to give up hope, I refuse to stop trying. Some company SOMEWHERE will take a chance on me. I'm asking all of you to put those positive thoughts out into the ether for me. I'll take whatever help I can get. . .
I'm not above sacrificing a chicken.
Seriously
Monday, November 7, 2016
Words
I'm a neglectful and inconsistent blog type person. It's been damn near a year since I've posted anything new. Bad JoJo!! Bad!!!! I'm currently working on my NaNo project from LAST November that I failed to finish but got one helluva start on . . . I'm such a good starter, but my follow through is for shit. Obvs. This year, much like the one before it and most of the one before that has mostly been bananas with a few great moments splashed in between. The most notable thing has been the passing of my Grandmother, and getting used to life without these amazing women who have molded and shaped and inspired me has made me into a different person. Back in 2011 right before my Mama got sick; I was this happy, carefree wild soul. And it seems like ever since then I've been trying to get that person back. It's painful, and difficult, because ultimately I'm not the same person anymore. I've lost the two most important women in my life inside of a year, I left the career that I loved and it's been nothing but a struggle to find my way since.
So, I have internalized a lot, retreated into my own head, which is not a neighborhood that I want to be in after dark. I miss my Mom. That sounds so simple, because what I ACTUALLY feel when I think about my Mother is more than missing her. It's aching and longing for her. It's feeling completely untethered and lost more than a year later. I'm still struggling with basic life skills, I'm STILL struggling to find my new normal.
I left a career at a company that I loved and while I believe that I made the best decision for me at that time; it's been a struggle to find my fit ever since. I'm on my 2nd job of 2016, and if any of you follow me on the Twitter or know me IRL, ya'll know I am wicked unhappy. I've applied for a number of jobs and I swear, I haven't been rejected this much since high school. It's not an awesome feeling. I have to trust that God has a plan, that if I keep doing the footwork that He'll take care of the rest. One of the few things that I haven't ever questioned over the last yearish is my faith. It's always been there.
I'm not going to get political, because that's just not me, but I will say this . . . This life needs to be about love and service and it seems like most of us have forgotten that along the way. We need to love one another, better than we love ourselves . . . We need to serve one another and practice kindness, and I need to do this especially. My bitch switch can get flipped with a quickness and that's not the version of myself that I want to be. Last week, two people passed away that were both impactful in my life at very different times. Both of these men were loved, cherished, important and will be grieved for a very long time. And it's a reminder of how short and fragile this life is, and that the petty shit that I get hemmed up about doesn't fucking matter.
What matters is the time that I get to spend with my Dad. What matters is the way my insides flutter whenever I see my husband. What matters is the unmitigated joy that I get from spending time with my friends, what matters is the community of online friends that I've made through the amazing and wonderful world of books and reading. These people, most of whom I've never met, have kept me going on days where I have felt so completely alone. I get a lot of joy from reading, I always have, and to have made friends with authors and other readers who help me remember the joy and expand my spirit has been an amazing experience.
So, a lot has changed in a year . . . but maybe not that much at all. My book . . . It's getting there, much like I am <3
So, I have internalized a lot, retreated into my own head, which is not a neighborhood that I want to be in after dark. I miss my Mom. That sounds so simple, because what I ACTUALLY feel when I think about my Mother is more than missing her. It's aching and longing for her. It's feeling completely untethered and lost more than a year later. I'm still struggling with basic life skills, I'm STILL struggling to find my new normal.
I left a career at a company that I loved and while I believe that I made the best decision for me at that time; it's been a struggle to find my fit ever since. I'm on my 2nd job of 2016, and if any of you follow me on the Twitter or know me IRL, ya'll know I am wicked unhappy. I've applied for a number of jobs and I swear, I haven't been rejected this much since high school. It's not an awesome feeling. I have to trust that God has a plan, that if I keep doing the footwork that He'll take care of the rest. One of the few things that I haven't ever questioned over the last yearish is my faith. It's always been there.
I'm not going to get political, because that's just not me, but I will say this . . . This life needs to be about love and service and it seems like most of us have forgotten that along the way. We need to love one another, better than we love ourselves . . . We need to serve one another and practice kindness, and I need to do this especially. My bitch switch can get flipped with a quickness and that's not the version of myself that I want to be. Last week, two people passed away that were both impactful in my life at very different times. Both of these men were loved, cherished, important and will be grieved for a very long time. And it's a reminder of how short and fragile this life is, and that the petty shit that I get hemmed up about doesn't fucking matter.
What matters is the time that I get to spend with my Dad. What matters is the way my insides flutter whenever I see my husband. What matters is the unmitigated joy that I get from spending time with my friends, what matters is the community of online friends that I've made through the amazing and wonderful world of books and reading. These people, most of whom I've never met, have kept me going on days where I have felt so completely alone. I get a lot of joy from reading, I always have, and to have made friends with authors and other readers who help me remember the joy and expand my spirit has been an amazing experience.
So, a lot has changed in a year . . . but maybe not that much at all. My book . . . It's getting there, much like I am <3
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
Grieving, Loss, Living
This year . . . Man, it's been kind of the absolute worst. Oh, there's been moments of supreme happiness and warmth but these last few months have been the most trying for me. Every day I feel like I take one step forward and two more back. To say that this time has been trying is putting it lightly. You see, grief isn't this this thing that I can take on and off or leave at home when I don't feel like dealing with it. It's this constant weight that lives with me. And I don't know that I'm managing all that well. I know that I'm not the same person I used to be, not by a stretch . . . But I'm trying. I'm really trying. Losing my Mom was like losing a part of myself that I will never ever get back, and I know that I'm not going to be the same after that. She was one of my brightest lights in this world, and she was one of my anchors. There was no one like my Mother, there was no one I can talk to like I could talk to my Mama, and I just don't really know who I am without that. Losing Mom was kind of the tip of the iceberg with this depression/grief situation I've got going on. There's so much more tied to loss of a loved one than planning a memorial and saying goodbye. There was dealing with her stuff, her clothes, furniture, jewelry, etc... Watching the sweet life that she created move on was difficult, but I'm not working and I need the money, so there ya go.
The other thing . . . That I never put on FB or shared with anyone outside of who already knew, was that I had a miscarriage right after losing Mom. When I found out we were pregnant; we were over the moon. I had this fu**king fairy tale built up in my mind, like God took my Mama from me but left me with this beautiful gift. When we went in for our first appointment, the baby didn't have a heartbeat. A whole new devastation took place after that. I remember holding Phillip's hand, so excited to hear that flutter and have the room go quiet because there was nothing there. All I could feel at that point was sorry, sorry to my sweet husband, sorry to my Dad . . . Just sorry. After that we needed to get the F outta town, and we did. Took my Pop to some Dodger games, and went to Laguna . . . Released my sweet Mother back into the universe, and went to Disneyland . . . Where I proceeded to full-out miscarry. It was the most physical pain I have ever been in in my life, but like all physical pain . . It passed, and we were back to enjoying our lives the next day. I'm crying writing about this . . . 1 in 4 women lose their babies and no one really talks about that . . . I find it ironic, really . . . I spent my 20s trying NOT to get pregnant and now all I want to do is have my husband's baby. He takes it all in stride because he's wonderful and amazing in every way, but losing mom, losing baby, not working all of this is taking it's toll on me. And I want to be better, I want to be the me that loves life and truly lives. I want to be the me that's happy joyous and free. I want to be the me that my Mommy would be proud of. I feel like I've become a shell of my self, and I gotta tell ya I don't love it.
So, I'm running out of money, which is just fantastic!!! And I'm trying to go back to work. I've been trying really, but not getting any bites. Thankfully, I got a job offer that I really like. I'm just not crazy about the hours, but I'll do what I have to do in order to contribute to my household and not be more of a burden on my sweet husband, who I'm sure should be sainted by now, really. I have an interview tomorrow for a position that I reaalllyyyy want, but the way things have been going lately . . . The things that I want really haven't been panning out. Today was not a good day for me. It started out sad and just got worse from there. I write, that's my outlet, this is the only thing that takes some of the sting out. And I still hurt . . . I constantly hurt.
I'm feeling really lost, and a bit hopeful . . . If that makes sense at all. Because if there's anything I've learned in the last years it's that this too shall pass.
The other thing . . . That I never put on FB or shared with anyone outside of who already knew, was that I had a miscarriage right after losing Mom. When I found out we were pregnant; we were over the moon. I had this fu**king fairy tale built up in my mind, like God took my Mama from me but left me with this beautiful gift. When we went in for our first appointment, the baby didn't have a heartbeat. A whole new devastation took place after that. I remember holding Phillip's hand, so excited to hear that flutter and have the room go quiet because there was nothing there. All I could feel at that point was sorry, sorry to my sweet husband, sorry to my Dad . . . Just sorry. After that we needed to get the F outta town, and we did. Took my Pop to some Dodger games, and went to Laguna . . . Released my sweet Mother back into the universe, and went to Disneyland . . . Where I proceeded to full-out miscarry. It was the most physical pain I have ever been in in my life, but like all physical pain . . It passed, and we were back to enjoying our lives the next day. I'm crying writing about this . . . 1 in 4 women lose their babies and no one really talks about that . . . I find it ironic, really . . . I spent my 20s trying NOT to get pregnant and now all I want to do is have my husband's baby. He takes it all in stride because he's wonderful and amazing in every way, but losing mom, losing baby, not working all of this is taking it's toll on me. And I want to be better, I want to be the me that loves life and truly lives. I want to be the me that's happy joyous and free. I want to be the me that my Mommy would be proud of. I feel like I've become a shell of my self, and I gotta tell ya I don't love it.
So, I'm running out of money, which is just fantastic!!! And I'm trying to go back to work. I've been trying really, but not getting any bites. Thankfully, I got a job offer that I really like. I'm just not crazy about the hours, but I'll do what I have to do in order to contribute to my household and not be more of a burden on my sweet husband, who I'm sure should be sainted by now, really. I have an interview tomorrow for a position that I reaalllyyyy want, but the way things have been going lately . . . The things that I want really haven't been panning out. Today was not a good day for me. It started out sad and just got worse from there. I write, that's my outlet, this is the only thing that takes some of the sting out. And I still hurt . . . I constantly hurt.
I'm feeling really lost, and a bit hopeful . . . If that makes sense at all. Because if there's anything I've learned in the last years it's that this too shall pass.
Friday, July 24, 2015
New Normal
It's been just over four weeks since my Mama shuffled off this mortal coil. I thought that I was ready or prepared for what I was gonna feel after she was gone, but in reality . . . there's no preparing for that. I think it really hit me one day when I was getting my hair done. Here I am in a salon, one that she used to work at, surrounded by laughter and the sound of blow dryers. My Desi's assistant was washing my hair and it hit me that my Mom was never gonna wash my hair again. If any of you had my mom wash your hair . . . You know what a treat that it was. Anyway, up until that moment I think I had this sliver of secret hope that she would miraculously get better, bounce back and want me to take her to the Bellagio. See, the thing is, I actually enjoy my parents. I'm close with them and I always have been. I legit loved the company of my Mother. I loved just hanging with her. Watching the food network, chilling in her little dollhouse, hate watching awards shows. Whatever we did, I just loved to be with her. She wasn't just my Mom, she was my dearest friend, and now that she's gone . . . I'm a little lost as to what to do with myself. I left my job back in April, and I'm enjoying being off work, and I'm happy that I got to spend the time with my Mama . . . But what now?
I went to a meeting and dinner with my friend the other night and I saw Stein Mart and just started bawling. She loved to walk around Stein Mart and just look at stuff. It's those quirks of who she was that I miss. So, I'm sad, and I'm trying to move forward but some days . . . Well, some days are just harder than others. I'm so beyond grateful for my sweet hubby who takes such good care of me, and my Dad, who was by her side and mine the day she passed. My Mom went out on her own terms and surrounded by the people that she loved and that loved her so much. Me, my Pop, My Aunties and Uncle and one of mom's dear friends. Her service was beautiful and touching. I feel like the world has kept spinning but mine has kinda stopped. My garage smells like her, and I have her teapots up in my kitchen and some of her art on my walls. I know that she'll never really leave me, but not being able to smell her, hug her, hear her voice . . . All those seemingly little things that we take for granted about our loved ones.
So, I'll press on and live one day at a time, talk about her, share memories of her and do my best to be a little more like her every day. I've said this before and I'll say it always . . . Hug your Mama.
I went to a meeting and dinner with my friend the other night and I saw Stein Mart and just started bawling. She loved to walk around Stein Mart and just look at stuff. It's those quirks of who she was that I miss. So, I'm sad, and I'm trying to move forward but some days . . . Well, some days are just harder than others. I'm so beyond grateful for my sweet hubby who takes such good care of me, and my Dad, who was by her side and mine the day she passed. My Mom went out on her own terms and surrounded by the people that she loved and that loved her so much. Me, my Pop, My Aunties and Uncle and one of mom's dear friends. Her service was beautiful and touching. I feel like the world has kept spinning but mine has kinda stopped. My garage smells like her, and I have her teapots up in my kitchen and some of her art on my walls. I know that she'll never really leave me, but not being able to smell her, hug her, hear her voice . . . All those seemingly little things that we take for granted about our loved ones.
So, I'll press on and live one day at a time, talk about her, share memories of her and do my best to be a little more like her every day. I've said this before and I'll say it always . . . Hug your Mama.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Terrie Hughes + Mike Casey
So we packed my Mom's house today. When she gets out of the hospital, she won't be able to be on her own for a while so she's going to stay with my Auntie. Have I mentioned how awesome my Aunties are? Seriously, I have the most bitchin' family. The way my Aunts and Uncles come together when one of them falls ill is such a beautiful thing. My Dad was with us today and he was packing up Mom's office when he found her cosmetology book from when she was 18... and inside was written "Terrie Hughes + Mike Casey" My Pop came in and showed me the book and I immediately started bawling. My Papa just held onto me and told me how he would always love my Mom and how when they were kids, nothing could ever keep them apart. The other thing is, I write Joanna Loves Phillip on everything ever. Every work notebook I have, every journal . . . Everything has Joanna <3's Phillip written somewhere. I know how much I resemble my folks both in looks and personality, but to see little quirky things that she does that I do too; for some reason that just struck a major chord with me. I am so grateful, so full of love and gratitude for my family, for the bond that we share and for every single friend who gives me their support. Knowing that I'm not alone gives me peace.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
Closing a Chapter
When I moved from sunny San Diego back to Las Vegas in 2006, my intention was to be here for a year . . . Yeah, it's been 9. Part of what happened was a massive career change. I was a server, a lifer and although it was hard and sometimes soul sucking I enjoyed it. Part of what I enjoyed about (and what I enjoy about life in general) was the people. Namely, the Zappos crew that would come in for lunch. Most of 'em Giants fans, which is always a good time for me ;-) After a year of waiting on these guys every day they told me to apply and come work for them. It was a scary decision, I was giving up easy money and the freedom of a serving job to go join the corporate world.
It's hard to put into words what my Zappos life has been. I feel like I've grown up here, I have so many memories here, and tomorrow I say goodbye. I feel bittersweet about all of it. While I'm excited to start a new chapter in my life and spend more time with my husband and family, I'm devastated to leave a grip of people and a "job" that means so much to me. 7 years is the longest that I've worked anywhere. I kept waiting for the ax to drop and it never did. I'll never forget when I interviewed with Jerry and he told me I'd need to change my email address from DodgerLover to something more acceptable, or when I got sent a Giants email that made my computer shut down, or traveling to Canada and New York and meeting so many great people along the way. Singing on stage at the Smith Center, and being able to do what I love and follow my passions has been an indescribable blessing.
Some of my co-workers have turned into best friends and one was in my wedding, shit without her insight and guidance who knows where I'd be. I thank God for the experiences that I've had here. Walking out that door tomorrow is going to annihilate me. There were many days that I felt like a shell of a person, and my team held me up and put me in a better mood. The one thing Zappos has always done well is get the best of the best and I'm going to miss working with the best.
So one more time I'm doing what's scary and uncomfortable. Leaving my safety net for the unknown. I need this time to be with my Mom, to reset my focus, and actually do wifey things like cook, maybe clean a little ;-) Whatever the future holds, I get to face it and I won't be alone.Like I said I grew up here. I fell in love with my husband while working here, I've experienced a wonderful life here . . . One that I am sad to see go. So, if you need a friends and family coupon now's the time to hit me up!!!
It's hard to put into words what my Zappos life has been. I feel like I've grown up here, I have so many memories here, and tomorrow I say goodbye. I feel bittersweet about all of it. While I'm excited to start a new chapter in my life and spend more time with my husband and family, I'm devastated to leave a grip of people and a "job" that means so much to me. 7 years is the longest that I've worked anywhere. I kept waiting for the ax to drop and it never did. I'll never forget when I interviewed with Jerry and he told me I'd need to change my email address from DodgerLover to something more acceptable, or when I got sent a Giants email that made my computer shut down, or traveling to Canada and New York and meeting so many great people along the way. Singing on stage at the Smith Center, and being able to do what I love and follow my passions has been an indescribable blessing.
Some of my co-workers have turned into best friends and one was in my wedding, shit without her insight and guidance who knows where I'd be. I thank God for the experiences that I've had here. Walking out that door tomorrow is going to annihilate me. There were many days that I felt like a shell of a person, and my team held me up and put me in a better mood. The one thing Zappos has always done well is get the best of the best and I'm going to miss working with the best.
So one more time I'm doing what's scary and uncomfortable. Leaving my safety net for the unknown. I need this time to be with my Mom, to reset my focus, and actually do wifey things like cook, maybe clean a little ;-) Whatever the future holds, I get to face it and I won't be alone.Like I said I grew up here. I fell in love with my husband while working here, I've experienced a wonderful life here . . . One that I am sad to see go. So, if you need a friends and family coupon now's the time to hit me up!!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Hospital Halls
You learn not to look when you wander the hospital halls. Seeing people in various stages of ailment - you don't wanna look. Keep the eyes forward or the sunglasses on, hold your head up. The business of sickness . . . Lots of watching, and waiting, and breaking. It's a weird, and sad, and unsettling part of life. Smiling nurses, shrewd doctors - I wait and wait and then wait some more. Going through this with my Mama . . . It's like I'm half in my life and half in hers. I'm scared to go anywhere, to not be here because what if . . . What if what if what if . . . Life is happening. Life is in session. My life is in a massive upheaval and transition right now. I have a weird sense of peace about all of it. My emotions are allover the damn place and it's gonna be that way for a while. I'm grateful for my man, my friends, my family and all the support and love around me. I've got it better than I deserve, that's for sure.
This business of an ailing parent . . . It's brutal. I hate it. It's soul crushing. So what do I do? Word vomit on a page that not many will read, but I get it out. Purge my hurt so that I can show up, stand up, and be the daughter that she needs me to be.
This business of an ailing parent . . . It's brutal. I hate it. It's soul crushing. So what do I do? Word vomit on a page that not many will read, but I get it out. Purge my hurt so that I can show up, stand up, and be the daughter that she needs me to be.
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Chandelier
Ever have a song that resonated with you so much that you couldn't listen to it and not cry? I have so many like that. One of my friends at work says "You and your chills" but it's true. Ask my dude, I break out in goosebumps on the regular. Music and lyrics move me. Drums and bass own me. The pain and crackling in a singer's voice brings be to the brink every time . . . Think Florence and the Machine or Jared Leto singing "Stay". I love Sia. Vocalists resonate with me for a number of reasons. My mom was/is one, I play around as one. One of my favorite memories growing up is my Mom singing and playing the piano and my Dad's red guitar... I digress.
For anyone bothering to read this that doesn't know my personal life, I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. My addiction wasn't pretty and I hurt a lot of people. I hurt myself. My last days of getting loaded were no longer "fun" it wasn't a party, fuck . . . It hadn't been a party in years, but I couldn't stop, and I couldn't get out. I wished and prayed to stop living. I was 26 and I was at the end of the road. I ended up going to treatment, and getting sober. I celebrated 10 years clean and sober just a few weeks ago. Those last days though. Those last days of drinking and using were nothing short of hopeless. I can try to put into words what it's like to climb the walls, to be afraid to face your closest loved ones, to lose everything in life that mattered . . . There aren't really words that I can say that will do that time in my life justice. It was fucking brutal, and no way to live. I hate myself, I hated you, I hated feeling anything. My only goal, my only mission was to not feel a thing. And it worked . . . Until it didn't.
The song Chandelier by Sia represents every single feeling and emotion I have about my alcoholism. This song comes on my playlists in life and it always makes me stop and thank God for the peace and freedom that I have today. Free from the bondage of drugs and alcohol. Free from the bondage of self. A beautifully normal life with a loving man who I don't deserve. Free, safe and loved. I don't want to ever forget where I came from. This gorgeous song is one of the things that helps me always remember.
Party girls don't get hurt Can't feel anything, when will I learn I push it down, push it down
I'm the one "for a good time call" Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell I feel the love, feel the love
Throw 'em back, till I lose count
For anyone bothering to read this that doesn't know my personal life, I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. My addiction wasn't pretty and I hurt a lot of people. I hurt myself. My last days of getting loaded were no longer "fun" it wasn't a party, fuck . . . It hadn't been a party in years, but I couldn't stop, and I couldn't get out. I wished and prayed to stop living. I was 26 and I was at the end of the road. I ended up going to treatment, and getting sober. I celebrated 10 years clean and sober just a few weeks ago. Those last days though. Those last days of drinking and using were nothing short of hopeless. I can try to put into words what it's like to climb the walls, to be afraid to face your closest loved ones, to lose everything in life that mattered . . . There aren't really words that I can say that will do that time in my life justice. It was fucking brutal, and no way to live. I hate myself, I hated you, I hated feeling anything. My only goal, my only mission was to not feel a thing. And it worked . . . Until it didn't.
The song Chandelier by Sia represents every single feeling and emotion I have about my alcoholism. This song comes on my playlists in life and it always makes me stop and thank God for the peace and freedom that I have today. Free from the bondage of drugs and alcohol. Free from the bondage of self. A beautifully normal life with a loving man who I don't deserve. Free, safe and loved. I don't want to ever forget where I came from. This gorgeous song is one of the things that helps me always remember.
Party girls don't get hurt Can't feel anything, when will I learn I push it down, push it down
I'm the one "for a good time call" Phone's blowin' up, they're ringin' my doorbell I feel the love, feel the love
Throw 'em back, till I lose count
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Reflection
Another year is drawing to a close, and once again I am overwhelmed with all the feelings!!! 2014 saw a lot of beautiful milestones in my life. My husband turned 30 (thank heaven!!!) We celebrated our first year of marriage, and we FINALLY got a little baby bulldog. Phillip and I have been wanting one of these pups since the beginning of our relationship. I got to meet some of my favourite authors and make new friends that I may never meet but we're connected anyway. Isn't that what this life is about? Connectedness? 2014 also held some pretty gnarly stuff as well. Lots of changes at work, my mother's health has been challenging, and some friendships took different forms, leaving a bit of an emptiness where there wasn't one before. Every year presents new challenges and new opportunities. I spent months of this year in a super painful rut. I was depressed, tired all the time, and just generally sad. I still don't know why . . . I have everything I could possibly want or need and I'm legit surrounded by people that love me, yet still I was hurting. Lots of prayer and meditation and love from my husband and my friends carried me through that valley. I was also able to build a new relationship with a dear friend and saw two of my best friends reconnect like no time had passed at all.
Like every year, there have been new babies and loved ones passing. Offering equal amounts of joy and pain. I discovered new things about myself. How if I ease up a little bit and leave my heart and mind open, so much good will find its way in. In a little less than 2 months I will celebrate 10 years of sobriety . . . WHAT?! That fact absolutely floors me for a few reasons. 1 - I can't believe it's been that long and 2 - time... it fucking flies by. It seems like just yesterday I was walking into the McDonald center, all shaky scared and strung out. Today I have a life that I didn't know I wanted, I get to show up in ways I never thought possible, and I'm the kind of woman that I always wanted to be.
Life is fucking beautiful. It is. Through all the laughter and all the tears . . . I'll take it. I'll take all of it. I'm alive and I get to feel. Turn up the music, drive fast and take chances. . . Hug and kiss on the people you love . . . Never ever miss a chance to tell someone that you love them or let them know the value they add to your life. If you're reading this (thank you) and you are valuable to me!!! Thank you for a beautiful year . . . Can't wait to see what the next one brings!!!
"One day you'll leave this world behind - so live a life that you'll remember"
Like every year, there have been new babies and loved ones passing. Offering equal amounts of joy and pain. I discovered new things about myself. How if I ease up a little bit and leave my heart and mind open, so much good will find its way in. In a little less than 2 months I will celebrate 10 years of sobriety . . . WHAT?! That fact absolutely floors me for a few reasons. 1 - I can't believe it's been that long and 2 - time... it fucking flies by. It seems like just yesterday I was walking into the McDonald center, all shaky scared and strung out. Today I have a life that I didn't know I wanted, I get to show up in ways I never thought possible, and I'm the kind of woman that I always wanted to be.
Life is fucking beautiful. It is. Through all the laughter and all the tears . . . I'll take it. I'll take all of it. I'm alive and I get to feel. Turn up the music, drive fast and take chances. . . Hug and kiss on the people you love . . . Never ever miss a chance to tell someone that you love them or let them know the value they add to your life. If you're reading this (thank you) and you are valuable to me!!! Thank you for a beautiful year . . . Can't wait to see what the next one brings!!!
"One day you'll leave this world behind - so live a life that you'll remember"
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Mama
It's really hard to put into words how I'm feeling. People keep asking me if I'm okay. No. No I'm not okay. I love that people ask, I'm grateful for people asking and caring. . . I just don't know how to tell them that I have an ache in my soul that nothing can heal or fix. I don't know if this is the end of the road for my Moma. I'm not God and I'm not a doctor, so I don't know what the future holds. I have a lot of fear... financial fear, fear of handling everything. Do I have enough time and money to do what needs to be done. Silly shit... I fear what the world looks like without the physical presence of my mother. I want to curl up in a ball and cry, and hold her, and tell her how gorgeous she is. I'll get to do that later. I'll get to tell her how wonderful she is, I get to thank her for giving me a charmed and beautiful life. My mom has always been the neighborhood mom. There was never a weekend that we didn't have a houseful of my friends. My Mama always took the best care of us, she made us tea, and pasta, and taught us about good music and art. She pushed me and guided me to getting sober. She never ever EVER gave up on me no matter how bad I fucked up. I'm blessed, we both are. We have the greatest network of support and love all around us. She has wonderful friends... like these amazing women who have stepped up in unimaginable ways to help her. My Mommy is warm, and loving, and kind. . .. and a total diva. ;-) I have a lifetime of beautiful memories and experiences with my mom and I'm just not ready to let it go yet. It's such a mind fuck... I want her to have peace, I don't want her to suffer . . . I want her to be whole and happy and free and in paradise with her creator. I KNOW what waits for her on the other side of this life. I have no doubt as to where her spirit is headed after she leaves this plane of existence. I'm just not ready . . . and I doubt I'll ever be. Call your Mother. Give her all the time that she asks for. Hold her, tell her you love her. The only thing that matters in this life are the relationships that we build and cultivate with one another. Hug and kiss and love on your mom as much as you can.
Love and light.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
I Thought I Knew
I thought I knew what love was at 22 and maybe I did. Maybe it was real. At least on my end. Definitely not on his. I thought our twin music tastes and his ability to rein in my crazy meant that it was "like totally forever" I thought I knew again at 25 when I was desperately trying to forget that he and I were truly done. I thought it meant alcoholic and crazy fights topped with doses of drama.
I thought I knew....
I was wrong. SO very very wrong.
Love is calling my friends (Unbeknownst to me) and making sure they check on me when my mom is in the hospital.
Love is walking me through a really painful situation and having my best interest at heart even though it must have hurt you tremendously to do so.
Love is waiting patiently while I find my way to you... Which somehow, you knew I would.
Love is not walking away.
Love is holding a bright pink bag while your woman fulfills her lifelong dream of throwing out a first pitch.
Love is asking my father for my hand in marriage.
Love is giving this lonely only child an amazing sister and a gaggle of meeces to spoil.
Love is gadddamn unconditional . . . As you continue to show me each and every day.
Love is making dinner for the week and making sure that I am well fed and taken care of.
Love is sharing your life with me, and giving me a host of wonderful friends.
Love is allowing me to be me,and staying by my side even though I'm bananas.
Love, quite simply ... is you.
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