Must Love Baseball

Lucky Number 7

2012-02-14T15:42:00.000-08:00

Today marks the seventh anniversary of my sobriety... While I know many people with WAY more time ( My Dad, my best gal pal etc...) Seven years is a long time between cold beers and shots of grey goose for someone like me.
This has been the hardest and the most rewarding year yet... I've been going through one of the hardest things I've ever faced in my life and I thank God every day that I don't have to do it alone. I have a host of friends around me who are walking me through life... The fear of the unknown has gripped and sometimes crippled me, but I'm a blessed woman. I have some amazing angels that are carrying me right now...
In the midst of the gnarliest thing that I have ever experienced, God has given me the most special thing I have ever known. I have found the love of my life, the end all be all for me. There is no one else in my future...
I have no idea what God's plan is... And I can't always see where He is in my life, but I can usually see where He was.
Seven years ago, I was sitting on a plane headed to rehab in San Diego, I had no idea what the future held for me, I didn't know anything about what waited for me, I only knew that I had been given a way out. I don't know if anyone is familiar with the havoc that drugs and alcohol wreak on a life, but I was pretty shot out... The only thing that I felt when that day came was relief.... Fast forward a few years and I'm back in Vegas, working at this great job... Wanting to go back to the beach..
And bam, my Mom falls ill then Bam again with the perfect guy for me.... He has led me every step of the way, i just haven't always seen it
So, yeah, it's been a year full of ups and downs. I can honestly say that He never gives us more than we can handle... And when He does, He gives us people to handle it with.
I'm excited to see what year 8 has to offer....
You all know who you are. Thank you for trudging with me.

Living with... Not dying from...

2011-07-23T15:35:00.000-07:00

Amy Winehouse is the newest member of a gruesomely sad club. The dead at 27, wasted talent club. While this is very sad (I think it's sad anytime we lose an artist)her death is not shocking to anyone. People are weighing in all over facebook and twitter today and it got me thinking about this disease that so many of us suffer from... DIS EASE... My natural state is restless, irritable, and discontent. The only way I used to have to quiet that was with drugs and booze... and lots of both. I am a hope to die drunk and junkie and for a long time all I wanted to do was drink and drug and rot and die. I understand the pain of addiction, I understand feeling like there's no way out. I was given a choice and a chance and I took it... I thank God every day that I took the opportunity that was given to me.
Some people aren't so lucky. Some people are given chance after chance after chance and there is no rest or peace for them. This girl's hit single was a song about how she didn't want to go to rehab... Newsflash.. Neither did I!!! No one wants to go!!! She records this song and the whole world eats it up and then promptly watches her demise.
Her friends and family tried to save her, but the gorilla on her back was too much for her to bear. I guess that's true for some folks...
Which brings me to another thought... Dying is easy, it's the living that's hard. Sometimes I wake up and my first thought is "F!! another day" followed closely by my second thought which is "Thank You for giving me another day" and then "Please give me the strength to get through it"
So, some people die so that others can live. We learn and we move forward. I send up thoughts and prayers for her family and loved ones. I hope that they can find peace... The addict in me finds solace in the fact that she no longer has to fight her demons anymore. And unless someone has fought those demons, don't speak on this subject...No one knows the utter desperation and terror unless they've experienced it themselves. I'm grateful for the gift that I was given and I continue to push forward every day, no matter how I feel... Or how daunting life may seem...
"Everyone gets a sobriety date... Some are lucky enough to get theirs in a meeting and some get theirs on a tombstone" So today, I'm living with this thing... Not dying from it... and for that, I am grateful...
RIP Amy...

Mmmmm Leftys....

2011-07-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

Clayton Kershaw was just a few months old the last time that the Boys in Blue went to a World Series. Dreams of fastballs and big hanging curves were not yet on his little baby radar... Wow... I am a thousand years old!!!! I was watching the Dodgers/Mets game with my Dad on Thursday night and Kersh was on the bump. I love watching this kid throw. I always have. He's nothing short of amazing and with the less than stellar season that Dem Bums are having, I have to hang on to the bright spots that we have in our corner. Matt Kemp, Clayton Kershaw, Andre Ethier and well, ending the first half of the season by sweeping the Madres :) I love division rivalries... Especially when they bounce us outta last place.
So... back to Thursdays gem against the Metropolitans. Streaks end and begin every day and the Dodgers losing streak ended Thursday night largely in part because of Clayton Kershaw... His magic fastball and nasty hanging curve. I love watching his face when he brings the ball down to his chest... He is perfectly at peace, shows NO emotion and there he goes. He's beautiful to watch. Aside from a first inning hit at the hands of Angel Pagan, no Met would reach first base until the 7th. A hit from Aaron Miles, a walk to Andre Ethier and a blast from the beast (Kemp) gave the Dodgers what they needed to avoid getting swept by the Mets. It's pretty... it's soooo pretty...
I'm a sucker for a lefty... Always have been. I'm a sucker for a ball player, period... End Of Story! But pitchers are a whole different animal. Ever see them in the dugout? No one and I mean NO ONE is speaking to them... The 1st position is sitting alone with one arm in his jacket and ice in his eyes. I'm a true blue baseball fan. I'd rather watch a pitching duel than a home run derby any day of the week. Opening Day was a game like that.. Kershaw Vs. Tim Lincecum, both guys virtually unhittable. Opening Day was a Kershaw gem the Giant Killer and the boys won 2-1. The last series against the Angels, he started against Jered Weaver and the Dodgers actually won!! Tough to do against the Halos... His four season ERA is 3.14 and the guy is averaging 9 or 10 strikeouts a game... Not bad for a 23 year old.
He's a joy to watch. He's donating money to an orphanage in Africa for every strike out that he records this season, and at the rate he's going, these kids are going to be living in the Ritz..
In other news... Derek Jeter recorded his 3,000th hit... and it just happened to be a home run :) Respect to the Captain. The All Star Game is this weekend, Matt Kemp is competing in the Home Run Derby tonight which should be fun to watch and Kershaw got his first All Star invitation. Even though Roy Halladay was named the starter, it's still pretty sick that CK is there. This time of year makes me nervous, the trade deadline is coming up and I have to emotionally prepare myself to say goodbye to some players that I love.
Annndddd I owe my friend dinner... damn.

And the hits just keep onnnnnnnn comin'

2011-07-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of the worst weeks of my life. I try to stay sunny-side up for the most part, but this week has just absolutely hammered me... Failed a test at work that I needed to pass in order to get a pay bump which I kinda really need right now... Ouchie!!! We're supposed to go to San Diego next week, but due to unforeseen circumstances with my traveling buddies, we can't go... Which is fine, I shouldn't spend the money anyway.... I just reallllyyyyy need the beach. The Dodgers are in last place and having one of the worst seasons that I can remember.... So, after being a super-emo mess yesterday, I came home, watched the game with my Daddy, laughed via text with my friends and fell asleep. I woke up this afternoon ready to step out and face the world... That's all I really know how to do is just keep moving forward... Even when things suck (And they SUPER suck right now) I go into town to run some errands & set up camp at The Dollhouse and whaddaya know? My car breaks... grrreeeaaatttt....
I'm desperately looking for the silver lining right now and before I get too down, I need to look at the things that are making me smile... Not in any kind of order... Just thoughts.

Clayton Kershaw: The kid is an absolute joy to watch. I love the Zen look on his face when he pitches... Full on poetry.

My Friends: One of which is trudging her sweet ass out to Big Bad Boulder to pick me up and love on me... And the rest of my girls (& a few guys) that make me laugh and remind me that although things suck right now, they won't suck forever...

Softball: The boys keep winning and that makes their den mother verrrryyyy happy... Especially since my beloved Bums can't seem to win a series or get out of last place.

Jobby Job: I love it... I'm beyond blessed to work where I work. Is it really considered work when I love it so much?

The Empire: I'd be dead in the water or locked up without it. I shudder to think of where my life would be without God and His infinite Grace.

My Parents: My Papa who is taking me to rent a car tomorrow so that I don't go completely bananas.. My Mommy, she's just about the cutest thing ever ever...

Nine Inch Nails.

Baseball: I can always lose myself in a game, I don't care if it's little league... Baseball calms me in a way that nothing else can.

The knowledge that this will pass and that I really don't have it THAT bad. I always search for sense in things that are nonsensical, I look for reason in the unreasonable and sometimes things don't have to make sense. Sometimes things just are and I have to trust God... I take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone. Pretty much everyone I know is having some sort of battle in their life right now and while it may differ from mine, we can carry each other through. I'm grateful for that... Never having to be alone again and being able to show up for others even when my insides are breaking...

It's ALWAYS okay in the end and if it's not okay, then it's not the end...

Looking forward to what tomorrow brings :-)

Monday Morning Music Mania

2011-06-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

Mondays are always a little bit manic for me... I usually don't get enough sleep on Sunday nights due to Sunday Night Insomnia... So last night I attempted to beat the insomnia and I just stayed out too late with my awesome friends, drinking tea at Starbucks... Talking about nothing... Talking about everything, solving the world's problems and discussing why I think Natural Born Killers is the most romantic movie ever made... (I'm kinda sick)
I listen to music all day at work, it's part of what makes my job awesome... I can throw on the headphones and just get lost... I have a few minutes left on my lunch and since the lunchroom is a madhouse, I thought I'd share the absolute random-ness that IS my taste...
I set my MP3 player to random and didn't adjust anything... No skippy skipping through any song... I just let it ride... The below list is what played from 7:30 this morning til about just now...
AFI-Silver and Cold
Chevelle-Still Running
Love & Rockets-Sweet Lover Hangover
Joan Jett-Do You Wanna Touch Me
The Jesus & Mary Chain-Just Like Honey
Dragonette-Pick Up The Phone
ATB-Fields Of Love
Tears For Fears-Change
INXS-Don't Change (The irony is not lost on me here)
Nine Inch Nails-Closer
The Shiny Toy Guns-Ghost Town
Jay Z-Dirt Off Your Shoulder
Love & Rockets-So Alive
The Cranberries-Dreaming My Dreams
The Deftones-Be Quiet And Drive
Mark Ronson/Ghostface Killah/Nate Dogg-Ooh Weee
And to top it all....
Superdrag-Feeling Like I do

So there's a little peeky boo into my weird little mind on a Monday....

Things That I Love

2011-05-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'm bored and I've had this idea pinging around my brain all week... Not so much baseball related although I'm sure that will make an appearance somewhere :)

My Jessica Simpson Acadia pumps... I love these beauties so much that I have three pairs of them... In different colors. They're comfortable, cute and sexy as hell. A girl can never have too many patent pumps.

Vestal watches... I have three of those too... Good things come in threes right? In a way Vestal is responsible for the job that I have now...

Kissing... The best of the best.. I love kissing... Is there anything better in life than a great kiss?

Belly laughs with my friends... 'nuff said.

A good book on a rainy day (or any day for that matter)

The Los Angeles Dodgers... Win, lose in sickness and in health... This team has me by the heart and always has. I just can't let it go....

Day-dreaming right fielders... Most of them hit the long ball and have a missile for an arm... Give me a dreaming right fielder any day...

My cat...

My family... We put the FUN right back in dysfunction... Their constant love and acceptance no matter what....

My soulmate... My sister from another mister...

My job... My little stop gap of a job has turned into a career...

The Secret Empire... Where I found acceptance, true faith and God... The ONLY place that I've ever felt normal...

Music. Good music moves my soul, makes my heart beat a little bit faster, makes my feet want to move. I lose myself in notes and chords and lyrics and beats...

Trent Reznor and Joan Jett...

The ability to show up for someone else... The ability to ask someone else to show up for me...

Dancing and singing and losing myself in a moment...

Clothes, shoes and boys with tattoos!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I Love L.A.

2011-04-29T23:55:00.001-07:00

What a beautiful night!!! Walking into Dodger Stadium has always been a special experience for me... Hearing the sounds of batting practice, smelling Dodger Dogs on the grill... My heart always skips a beat, my pulse quickens... It's just exciting. It always has been... I can't remember a summer in my life where we haven't gone to that park & every year, it's all new again.
There's a ton of drama surrounding my beloved team right now & I hate it. I have an emotional attachment to this ball club that is borderline unhealthy & it saddens me to see all the crap going on right now with their ridiculous owner..
Moving on. Tonight's game was nothing short of incredible. Aaron Miles ( who I can't stand) actually hit very well! Dre extended his hitting streak to 25 games... Homeruns from Kemp & Uribe added some serious excitement... & I had everyone around me cheering for the kid, Jerry Sands.
It was a great game.
And then in the ninth... in comes big Broxton. My heart sunk. I don't have too much faith in him right now, but he needs the fan's support & I'll be damned, he got it. The whole stadium was on their feet cheering this guy on. He gave up 2 base hits & a run, but with 2 outs... Tony Gwynn Jr made the catch of the century... Broxton owes Gwynn a steak dinner for that grab tonight.
Dodgers won & it was a nail biter.... It always is against the Padres. Good or bad, thick or thin, I will always stand by this team.
I better get some rest, we got another one tomorrow...

Brutal...

2011-04-21T20:40:00.000-07:00

Being in love is a beautiful thing. Having a partner in life, someone to cross the chasm of loneliness with, share stupid inside jokes with, fight with & make up with is an awesome & fulfilling feeling. I've been single for a hot minute, but I'll never forget that whimsical feeling of knowing that I belonged to someone...
All that sappy crap being said, when a relationship goes south, it can go one of two ways.. My last ex and I are still great friends, yeah it was painful but there was & is a lot of love there... The one before him? Nasty... Probably the worst breakup I've ever been through. It just got ugly... I won't go into the gory details, because that's not what this post is about.
Breakups & divorces are hard enough.... Divorcing when you're a billionaire & a high profile owner of a baseball team is something else entirely. Imagine having your entire life & lifestyle blasted all over the tabloids, every person who cared to read a newspaper knowing the most intimate details of your life...
It's gotta be brutal, and while I'm a sensitive gal, I'm having a hard time finding any sympathy at all for the McCourts.
Dodger fans knew this divorce was going to get ugly, but I don't think any of us saw it getting this bad. Cutting corners with security, driving up food & parking prices, not going after big market players, letting firecrackers on the Dodgers go by the wayside (Randy Wolff, Orlando Hudson)... Fans boycotting the stadium, Frank having to take a loan just to pay the payroll? Ludicrous!!! This is the Los Angeles Dodgers for crying out loud!! The franchise of Sandy Koufax, Tommy Lasorda... The first team to break the color barrier & this man has damn near run it into the ground..
So Selig stepped in and took over & Dodger fans couldn't be happier. Today's getaway game was a small crowd, however, 4,000 walk up tickets were sold.. That's folks who decided, last minute, to catch a game on a Thursday afternoon. Those that did were treated to a nailbiting gem starring Casey Blake, our ace, the young Kersh & the beast.. Matt Kemp.
I feel bad for the McCourts. I really do, they were married for upwards of 30 years and to have that go so bad & so publicly has got to be bloody awful. I'm sure they have both lost their minds, but embezzling money from the Dodgers ti finance the divorce is unacceptable. Not having a chief of security and tighter restrictions on fan behavior, ultimately causing a man to get beaten damn near to death... Is unacceptable.
Frank & Jamie got greedy. The love of money is the root of all evil & drives people to do insane things... So we'll see how this plays out. I'm sure it's going to be a rocky road & I'm sure Frank will try to sue... That's kinda what he does. But when he bought this team, he signed a binding document saying that he wouldn't. Other owners have tried & failed & Frank will fail too.
It's the end of an era in LA LA Land... But a better one is on the horizon :)
Like any other blue-blooded irrational Dodger fan, I have nothing but faith.
And hey, them bums are 2 & 0 since Selig stepped in!!!

My Dream Weaver

2011-04-14T20:42:00.001-07:00

I love Jeff Weaver... I'm not ashamed of this & I catch a lot of hell for it but I just don't care. Weave is my guy & there are those (Some of them related to me :)) that hate him more than I love him & again... I don't care. I'm super bummed that he's still out there as a free agent. With our relief pitching looking the way it does, my feeling is that we need Weave...

A Simi Valley boy with a mess of blond hair & a mean face, the guy is alllll heart...
He's been with seven different teams since coming to the majors in '99. A bit of a head case at first, the guy would give up a home run & let it rattle him. I'm not a pitcher, I'm not a baseball player & I have no IDEA at all what it takes to pitch a baseball game.

He threw the game of his life with the Cardinals. Game 5 of the '06 series, he threw 8 innings giving up only 4 hits and 1 earned run...
And then? To the Mariners & then back to the minors & then back to the Dodgers. He got the win in in Game 1 of the 2009 NLDS against the Cardinals .
The next year, he made the roster as a reliever. He made a couple starts last season. One against his little brother :) and July 5th of last year, when John Ely got into a bit of trouble. Weave came in and held the Marlins to no runs at all... However, the Dodgers bats couldn't catch the deficit that Ely gave up...

Here's what I know, when I see his 6'5" lanky frame lumbers out to that mound, I get excited. Last year at the Tigers/Dodgers game, he came in to relieve John Ely in the 7th & I flipped out... I stood up screaming & yelling & full of joy that I would get to see him pitch.

He's a solid middle reliever, he's good to come in and clean up a mess & set up for a closer. I think he'd be great closer actually, it seems to be that he's got the mentality to be a closer.

I miss him. I miss seeing a true gamer on the mound, that ratty blond hair & his thick gold or silver chain around his neck. I love anyone with a baseball heart & to me... That's what he is... A true player with a baseball heart. I keep wishing for Weaver.. I'm watching the Cards destroy us right now & wishing more than anything that Weaver was on the bump. We're getting shelled right now because the Cardinals are teeing off on Cromier. Jeff is/was amazingly good at getting out of a bases loaded situation with no damage.

So, until something magical happens, I will sit and pine & wish for Weaver :)

Time To Weigh In....

2011-04-12T19:48:00.000-07:00

The Dodgers and Giants rivalry is one of the most storied and fantastic rivalries in all of sports... I was born hating the Giants. I've always despised them, I didn't figure out why until I was a little bit older & by then it was too late. It used to be really bad... Like, I couldn't be friends with someone who was a die-hard fan of that team... A few years back, I was dating a guy who lived in SF, we argued about baseball & it all came to a head when he called me a heartless Dodger fan... Heartless? Me? This coming from a man who was a fan of Barry Bonds... & I'm heartless.... Needless to say, that didn't last long :)
Today, it's a little bit different... I have fun with it.. Do I despise the Giants? Absolutely! Was I sick to my stomach when they won the World Series? You betcha!!! I was rooting for the Rangers like I was a lifelong fan... I was devastated that the Giants won... A few things kept me warm.. One, it was their first WS win since moving to California in the '50s.. My guys have 5 :) And Two... Everyone says the NL West is the worst division in baseball... Welp, the worst division in baseball won the Series... Now what?
Today, I have a plethora of Giants fans in my life... I work with a bunch of them, heck, I got my foot in the door at my awesome job because I was waiting on Giants fans every day for almost 2 years... Today I have fun with it. Today my smart aleck friends photoshop pictures of Giants gear on me & put it up on facebook... & today I laugh at it :) It's fun... It's supposed to be...
I haven't written or said much about what went down on opening night because I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. I've read a lot of editorials that blame everyone, The Dodgers, Frank McCourt, the City of Los Angeles, Beer... but let's place the blame where it should lie.. at the feet of these 2 cowards who did this awful & terrible thing... And it exists, everywhere. Not just at Dodger Stadium, but also at every other stadium in the country... The Giants serve the beer in cups that say Beat LA on them. I heard a rumour that they do this when not even playing the Dodgers... Giants fans hired a plane to fly over Dodger Stadium on opening day with a banner that read"BEAT LA" to which the Blue Birds replied GIANTS SUCK :) Yay for chanting...
It exists... on both sides, but it's time to take a step into the real world... Last season Clayton Kershaw got suspended for hitting a batter, he was retaliating against the Giant pitcher that hit a Dodger.. this is what they do. Let them do it. Let the players battle it out... I go to games with my Dad & my 82 year old grandmother, families bring their kids... Couples go on dates. There's no more beautiful place than Dodger Stadium when the sun is setting & the boys are winning. Baseball is fun, rivalries are fun... All this guy did was go to a game wearing a jersey in support of his team. I'm sure it got rowdy in the stadium & I'm certain that these two idiots had too much to drink. While I'm deeply saddened by this event & my thoughts and prayers are with this young man & his family... I'm glad that this incident is getting so much attention.
It's time to stop this insanity. When I lived in San Diego, I went to every Dodger/Padre game that I could decked in Dodger Blue from head to toe & people talked trash to me & anyone that knows me knows I gave it right back :) I loved going to Charger games. However, I would never go to a Charger/Raider game because of all the disorderly crap that happens. There's always fights. Booze infused testosterone pumping fights...Calm the frik down! It's a game!! It's supposed to be fun...
When did going to the ball park mean going to a war zone?! We have the right to feel safe in our surroundings... I pray to God that this man makes a full recovery & I know that these idiots will be brought to justice...
But maybe, just maybe, some good can come out of this... Maybe with all the attention that this is getting, people will start to wake up... I've talked a lot of trash & held my own when it comes to baseball... I've covered a co-workers desk in Dodger printouts after a sweep, I will do it again too... But I would never ever ever ever resort to violence... This isn't the first time that there has been unnecessary fan violence at my beloved ball park, but hopefully... We've seen the last of it..

Opening Day....

2011-03-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

I've been so excited all day long!! Completely distracted and barely able to focus... I woke up with a flutter... IS it Christmas? Is it a National Holiday? No!! It's better than all of that!! It's opening day!! The one day a year where all teams are in first place :) It's a new year... A new season.. A time when anything can happen and anything usually does...
I'm currently at home with my Dad & my Grandma... Three generations of irrational Dodger fans watching the game... We're in the bottom of the 7th in the middle of an epic pitching duel. I wouldn't expect anything less from Clayton Kershaw, our young ace and Tim Lincecum... The freak with the hair...
Some defensive mishaps have caused my heart to race & listening to the announcers talk about the drama of our ownership & the Dodgers being in financial straights is giving me anxiety... How can the Los Angeles Dodgers be in financial arrears? How is that even possible with one of the most lucrative clubs in all of baseball? Greed!!! It's time for Frank McCourt to do the right thing and sell this team. Ownership issues trickle down to the clubhouse & while we may tell ourselves different, we know it's true...
The sun is setting over Chavez Ravine & I wish I was there.... Going into the top of the 8th.. Kershaw is done leaving a 1 run lead for Kuo...
Can we do it???
Not throwing 4 straight balls like Kuo just did... Late inning walks will kill ya every time.
In the bottom of the 8th Kemp draws a walk, getting on base for the 4th time.. Steals second like the Matt Kemp I know & love... Big James hits a double & now we've got a little bit more insurance against the dreaded Giants...
Big JB comes in to try & shut the lights out here... Nice play by Loney for out number 1...
96 pitches... 9 strikeouts & 1 walk for young Kersh.... The young ace gets the win!!
Ball Game!!!!
I'll take it!!!Man alive!!! What a nail biter this one was!!! This is what baseball is all about.. Rapid heart rates, good base running solid hits...
Opening Day... Way to open the season... On a win... Against the Giants...
I know that we're not going 162-0, but work out some of these kinks & we've got ourselves a season!!!

I can't imagine anything sweeter :)

Getting Closer...

2011-03-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

As opening day draws near... I can't help but be excited. Right now my Dodgers look like a ragtag bunch of misfits... and oddly, I'm okay with that. Starting the season with a bench clearing brawl (Thank you San Diego... Stay Classy), some injuries and much to my chagrin, no Jeff Weaver.
There's folks who hate Jeff Weaver as much as I love him, but I can't help it. The guy is all heart, he's got the soul of a gamer and gnarly attitude and I flip out every time I see him step on the bump.
I'm an emotional and often times irrational Dodger fan. I don't think about the business side of the game, I'm heartbroken when my favorite guys leave Blue Heaven for greener pastures.. Eric Karros, Paul LoDuca (dumbest trade ever) and Shawn Green. I have no interest in the business side of things and while I'm happy about free agency because it gave players the control of their careers, what started as a good intention has turned into a travesty.
These guys get to play baseball for a living!! I can't imagine anything better!!
Gimem a day dreamer in right who comes through in the clutch and hits the long ball...
Gimme a middle reliever with a snarl on his face and a frik ton of movement on his pitches...
Gimme a closer with ice water in his veins...
It's time... We're ready....
Let's go Dodger Blue!!!!

Big League Weekend

2011-03-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

Every Spring in Las Vegas, we have Big League Weekend, when a few big league ball clubs invade our fair city and play a split squad Spring Training game. It's a fun chance to see major league ball players for a few innings as well as getting a gander at the future :) Last year, my Dodgers got smoked by the Reds... I think Joey Vatto hit a grand slam or something crazy & it was an awful windy & cold night.
This year's was a much better experience,! I didn't get to see my two favorite guys, Dre was in AZ battling against the White Sox & Casey Blake was hurt, but it was a fun day nonetheless.. Any day at ANY ball park is a great day. Except that we lost.
We lost to the Cubs in 10 innings. I watched Matt Kemp strike out with the bases loaded and got hammed up at 2nd base... Maybe my fears about bad baserunning are legit...
I know Spring Training is NOT ABOUT WINNING... I know that in my head, but in my baseball beating heart.. it's a different story altogether..
Dee Gordon was looking good at short and Raffy was dirty by the second inning, which is just the way that I want him to be...
Big James Loney looks great as first & I think we saw just about every pitching prospect that we have in the Dodgers organization... All in all it was a gorgeous day, and got me even more pumped for the regular season.
Baseball is baseball, I love it any time & any where... But Big League Weekend.. it ain't nothin like the real thing!

Back To Basics..

2011-03-01T10:57:00.001-08:00

I started writing this blog because I love baseball... And over the last few months I've gotten away from that.. well,.. Well because there hasn't been baseball to write about.. I've been super focused on football and boys and haven't paid much attention in the off season to the one sport that I hold most dear to my heart.. Baseball..
I have a running bet with a friend of mine that if the Dodgers are over .500 at the All Star Break, he'll take me to lunch/dinner.. The same rule applies if my boys have a winning season. I have nothing but faith that I'll have two tasty meals in my belly courtesy of said friend :)
Spring training is well underway and my beloved boys in blue sit at .500. With two wins coming VIA Clayton Kershaw & John Ely.. Both kids.. all heart. Nothing makes me happier than this time of year & for some reason that I have yet to put my finger on, I'm more pumped about this season than I have been in seasons past...
Maybe it's because I feel something different.. A new skipper.. Donnie Baseball seems to have a great rapport with the team. Matt Kemp and Rhi Rhi broke up, so I'm hoping that he remembers how to run bases this year & Dre is all shined up completely healed from his freak finger injury that ailed him last season... Hopefully, their terrible owners will do what's right & sell the team.. Mark Cuban anyone? But more than that, I hope my guys can leave all that crap in the front office where it belongs.
Before the first pitch is thrown the umpire shouts Play Ball.. Not Work Ball.. So let's go!!! Sit in the sunshine, enjoy a Dodger Dog.. Spit seeds and delight in the wonderful drama that is baseball..
Go Dodgers!!!!

The Trifecta...

2011-02-14T10:15:00.000-08:00

Today is a special day. Not because of flowers and candy and kisses.. Happy Valentines Day to all my married and hugged up friends.. Happy Single Awareness Day to those that aren't :) Today is a special day.. Pitchers and Catchers report to Spring Training today, which for me is better than Christmas.. It means that soon, I'll hear the crack of a bat and I'll be basking in the sunshine of Blue Heaven on Earth.. AKA Dodger Stadium..
Today is a special day for me.. Today marks my 6th anniversary of being set free from the bondage of drugs and alcohol. I'll never forget the anxiety and fear that I felt when I walked into that hospital. I'll never forget how alone I felt and how overwhelming life seemed. I'll never forget the overwhelming feeling of how badly I had burned down my life.
I am a blessed woman. I have a host of family and friends who supported me through my darkest time, but the day came that enough was enough and I was given a choice, get help, or get gone. I chose to get help & it was the scariest, hardest & most painful choice I have ever made in my life.
Don't get it twisted, I love being sober but giving up my best friends, meth and vodka, was too big a task to handle. I had reached a point of no return.. I couldn't imagine life with or without these things...
So here I am.. six years later. Blessed beyond belief, I've been given a life that I absolutely 100 percent do not deserve. The road has not been easy. It's painful and it's hard a d it's glorious and it's rewarding and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I love my life.. It's not beyond my wildest dreams.. my wild dreams involve Costa Rica & a baseball player :)
I have a life that I didn't know I wanted. I get to be a daughter, a friend, a mentor, a mentee, an employee.. A productive member of society who pays her bills on time.. who pays her bills! And while these things may not seem like a big deal to the average bear, they're a big deal to me.
I can never repay the gift I have been given, nor are there enough words to express the gratitude I have for my family & my friends. All the glory goes to God for giving me a new path. I have been able to live two lives in one lifetime...
I'll end with this, it's not mine.. but it's on point.

"Justice is getting what we deserve... Mercy is NOT getting what we deserve.. Grace is getting a lot of things that we don't deserve"..

God and His infinite grace....

Beware of Girls Chasing Boys!!!

2011-01-05T13:54:00.000-08:00

I had an epiphany last night.. something hit me like a ton of bricks & while I'm not that thrilled to discover this information about myself, it's real and it's valid and it needs to be dealt with.
I want romance! I want flowers at work! I want sweet text messages in the morning.. I want to be chased and it dawned on me last night that I never have been. I've never ever in umpteen years of dating, allowed myself to be courted, romanced, pursued.. chased.. And that's all I want!
The problem lies with me.. According to a dear friend, I'm one of the last "dope bitches" on the planet.. but I never give any man the chance to see that because I'm too busy chasing his ass!
Ughh!! Annoying right?! Don't let the tattoos fool you.. I'm an old-fashioned woman. I want the door opened for me, I want my cigarette lit & if we're walking down the street, I expect you to walk on the street side.. Protecting me from any cars that might jump the curb :) (lots of guys don't know that trick.. you're welcome).
I've never been pursued.. I've just seen something I wanted and went for it, thereby emasculating the man I'm interested in and becoming part of the problem that i consistently bitch about.. DUH!
This is my third year of being single in Sin City... I have an amazing life. I'm grateful for my career, my sobriety, my friends, my family & my relationship with God (not at all in that order)but there's a part of my wheel that's missing and when nothing is going my way.. I gotta take a look inside..
So.. If you find yourself being chased by me, kick me in the shin & remind me that I'm not chasing anymore..
After all, I'm a dope bitch.. and dope bitches don't NEED to chase!

Gratitude...

2010-12-22T13:46:00.001-08:00

This is my favorite time of year.. I love the Holiday season, I always have since I was little.. The excitement of winter.. the fun of Christmas.. The spoiled-rotten feeling I get around my birthday and the New Year.. Always bringing a ray of hope, a new beginning.. I just wanted to take a minute and go over all of the things in my life that I;m grateful for today.. and every day...
My sweet parents.. their never ending love and support over the years.. never giving up on me, always believing in me.. I fully believe that God spared me to save my folks from any more heartbreak.. I'm grateful for my recovery, the fact that I get to live a clean and sober life.. That the obsession to use and drink has been lifted from me.. I'm grateful for my friends.. every group has one and I am theirs :) Their unconditional love makes me smile every day.
My job.. my little front desk job that has turned into a career... I wake up every day overwhelmed with the blessing that has been thrown my way.. A place to lay my head every night.. food in my belly.. A car to drive, cigs to smoke and coffee.. Music that moves me.. Old friends & new ones.. Huge big bear hugs, inside jokes... butterflies... these are all things that make me smile.. A great new song that I have to play until I hate it..
The memories that I remember and those that I seem to have forgotten along the way.. The chance to travel & see our beautiful country.. Kisses in the rain :)The chance to do what my Grandad always told me to do.. ENJOY YOUR LIFE!!!!! We only get one.. it's too short not to spend every minute that we can with the people we love..
I have a rule.. when someone crosses my mind; I call, text, email, fb.. whatever.. they're on my mind for a reason.. THese are just some things that stay on my mind sometimes, things that make me happy to be alive.. Things that I don't take for granted..
What are YOU grateful for today?

Bad Bad Bad Bad Boys.. They Make Me Feel So....

2010-09-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

I'm boy crazy...
I know this...
I have been for as long as I can remember.
But more than any other guy out there..
I'm a sucker for a nice cool glass of trouble.
I love 'em!
I'm never surprised at how they behave,
yet I always kick myself for getting caught up...
So, I thought I'd walk in, get my needs met...
Break a head board or two...
And walk away.
I knew what I was getting into with this guy,
So why am I at all surprised by the outcome??
Cause I'm a boy-crazy hopeless romantic!
He sat across from me on purpose...
Burned holes in me with his eyes for an hour..
We flirted, he texted... we played like that for a few days.
We met for coffee..
Walked in the park..
Solved the world's problems by the light of my dashboard & the sounds of Massive Attack..
It was nice..
But I KNEW..
I knew the place he was in, both emotionally & mentally...
And that place was completely unavailable..
Sweet guy, handsome as sin with lips like sugar
But I've never seen a mess so hot!
Over the last few weeks we've had some great nights and epic talks..
Facts are facts.. There's just too much that I don't know..
My suspicion is that he's just not that into me..
And I have needs.. of which he can only meet one..
And one just isn't enough for me anymore..
My other suspicion is that he is just not capable of showing up & I get that..
But me thinks I am lying to myself..
So, where was I wrong & what did I learn??
Am I hurt? Did I hurt him?
Did I inadvertently create some expectation?
Communication would help, but I refuse to contact him..
He knows where I am..
At least I knew what I was getting!
This guy made no front about who he was or where he stood..
I appreciate that honesty, which brings me to this..
A word of advice guys, be who you are!
Don't put up some front that you're a nice guy
Or that you want more than you do.
Dating is nightmarish enough without having to figure out where your head is at!
If you're not into me..
Suck it up, grow a pair & say so!
I'd rather have my feelings hurt than not know...
Not knowing IS no, but I'd still like a solid response..
I've spent too much time chasing & I'm done!
Somehow, we've allowed men to forget their role and became the ones doing all the work..
What happened to the chase???
I'm tired of twisting myself into knots...
Is he into me? Is he not? Is he gonna call?
Should I call??
It's enough to drive a sane person crazy!!!!
OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The single life is rough... and there's no end in sight!!
Wish me luck...
Maybe Mr. Right is under the very next rock.....

Sex In The Big Bad City

2010-09-08T19:32:00.002-07:00

Dating SUCKS! As baseball season draws to a close and my beloved Dodgers are not going to see October this year, I have to find something new to write about and well, this blog is not only about baseball, but how I would like to date a man who has some of the same passion for this beautiful sport as I do.. (No Giants fans need apply :))

So, back to dating sucking more than anything ever... I had a date last night with a guy who was and is NOT my type at all. I thought I'd try something different as my type doesn't generally work out.. Tall, skinny, tattooed & mean just isn't all it's cracked up to be.. Who knew?! For the sake of this piece, I am changing names so as not to put these poor guys & their idiocy on blast.. So we'll call him June. This young man is nice, good looking, good job, seemed to be spiritual, doesn't live here but he's close enough. He invited me to dinner. Great! I picked the restaurant, met him there, we have great conversation, he's laughing at my jokes and I'm laughing at his.. Then.. the bill came. Now, I have no cash on me, I'm under the assumption that this is a date, he called, he asked me out and blah blahbity blah blah, so I go for my wallet and we both throw our cards on the table and he says to the server, just split it down the middle (even though he ate most of my Pad Thai.. but I'm splitting hairs here) My card got declined because God has a sick sense of humour! It was one of the most uncomfortable situations of my life.. He has since been deleted.. Bye. Even my guy friends pick up the check and they KNOW I'm not putting out! I have a pretty fantastic mentor in my life and she has given me some lessons on this over the years.. one of them is that when a guy asks me out, I need to let him be a guy...

This little mortifying situation got me thinking about the numerous and equally mortifying situations that I have been in since Scooter and I broke up in December of '08. First, I dated NO ONE for months. For years I had been a serial monogamist and after he & I split, the insanity needed to stop!!! And stop it did, I put the focus back on myself and God's kids, getting fit and enjoying my life. I gave myself time to heal from all of my past stuff and low & behold, I started meeting quality guys. Guys I liked, who treated me with respect and kindness (Who picked up the bloody check) and so it began..

One made me laugh, which is key.. but ultimately was not what I was looking for.. too much stuff. We went out for a total of 7 days and I clipped it. Cool.. Moving on... I met the Dentist and Russian Gunnar at the same time, both equally awesome in totally different ways. The Russian Gunnar was moving to a far away place & the Dentist? Well, we went out a couple times, then he stood me up... twice.. No bueno. He's just not that into me. Moving on!!! Russian Gunnar ended up being an absolutely stellar dude, he raised the bar for me and showed me that all good men are not dead in the heart and in the head. I miss him, and I know our paths will cross again someday...

Then there was Rube whose ideas of sex and intimacy were so childish that my head spun around on itself.. The things he said to me had my bra-burning feminist friends in a frenzy... I was just embarrassed, then real frikkin pissed! Next was my friend, who I had been casually flirting with for a couple of years, we crossed a line and he turned into a huge tool. Mr. I Don't Want A Relationship was in one mere days after our tryst... yeah, I haven't really dealt with that too much. So that's it, oh, well there's also the friend zone where I seem to end up more often than not.. I can't help it, I'm a bomb ass chick & I love sports, I also have a very soft and nurturing heart...

If you're married or in a long-term relationship.. STAY THAT WAY!!!! It's a bitch out here for real! It's a process.. Seeing what's out there, deciding what I like what I don't.. and if nothing else, my ridiculous love life is fodder for my friends at work who are all happy and cozy in their relationships.. :) I have some amazing men in my life, guys that would lay down and die for me, guys that see me hurt and immediately go into warrior mode... Most are related to me :) But my guy friends are my brothers and they take good care of your girl. I don't hate men.. That's not what this is about at all! I love guys! Love 'em! I love the way they smell, how they act, the stupid shit they do and the inappropriate jokes.. Love 'em

At some point, I gotta wonder what it is about me... Or what I'm doing that attracts these guys... Maybe God really does have a sick sense of humour :) Whatever the case may be, I'm not giving up.. Not now.. and not ever.. He's out there somewhere and if I have to deal with every toad on the planet to find my prince, you bet your sweet ass I'll do it with a gracious smile, and an open mind.

One Year....

2010-08-28T12:13:00.001-07:00

One year ago today, a light went out in this world.... The Earth we walk became a little bit darker with the passing of Adam Goldstein. His death was shocking, and painful and sad. It made some of us question everything.. Here was a man who had been through hell, survived and lived to tell about it. Here was a man that despite, his physical pain, he managed to constantly help others.. He was an inspiration to me and I only met the man twice. I have no idea why I felt the connection with him that I felt or why his passing affected me so deeply. I fight the same demons that Adam fought and when I'm searching for peace, when I'm trying to make sense out of a senseless situation... My instinct is to look for reason. Finding logic is the only way that I can make peace with this. After some prayer and meditation, the logic that I found was this: Adam doesn't have to fight his demons anymore.. Adam's soul is at peace and we all carry him with us, no matter how well we each knew him. This man touched the lives of so many different people in ways that I don't even understand.

I have a friend who is very dear to my heart, who I believe is alive today because of Adam. AM showed my friend a new way of life and , I have no doubt that Adam was instrumental in this friend being alive today, for that, I am forever grateful.

I miss him. I wonder if he ever knew what joy he brought to the people around him. I wonder if he had any idea that he touched people that he never even knew (like me) whose lives changed dramatically because of his presence. I understand being angry at him, or thinking that he gave up.. I get it, but if you're holding on to that.. let it go. Relish in the memories that you have... embrace the lessons that he left and live his legacy.. Love God and help His kids. We weren't put on this planet for ourselves. We are here to be of service.. to help others along their path. We never know the full impact that someone has in our lives until they are gone. This life is temporary, our time here is short, so make it matter.

He never meant to leave us the way that he did, and I have no doubt that when his soul left this earth, that he was greeted with open arms and a "job well done". Rest In Peace.. You are missed and loved more than you ever knew...

Pony League??

2010-06-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

Soooo, even though I'm up in the sticks in Wisconsin, I still manage to follow my baseball team with a sort of religious fervor.. And boy oh boy has this been an interesting little week. Let's start with John Ely walking off the field after only getting two outs... Head in the game much?? I love the guy, but come on!!! Anyone remember Milton Bradley's debacle of last year?... I digress...

James Loney is an outstanding ball player, and was a bad base runner the other night.. He knew better but got caught in a pickle!! A pickle!! They call it a rundown in the bigs, but we all know what it is, it's a pickle :) so, between bad base running and our starting pitcher leaving the field after two outs.. Tie ball game, bottom of the ninth.. and Casey Blake on third.. I love him. I love that he did this. A veteran... Playing Pony League ball.. it was beautiful!!

Blake goaded the inexperienced pitcher into a balk.. When a pitcher balks,the pitch is nullified and each runner is awarded a base... In this case the base happened to be home plate.. So, the boys in blue win by a walk-off balk... A balk off if you will..

Ladies, according to the rules of baseball a pitcher must pitch the ball, he is restricted to a certain set of motions and one of two basic pitching positions before and during a pitch; if these are violated with one or more runners on base, a balk is called.

So the bearded Blake, wins by some magical Pony League sneaky play and it's kind of awesome! The next game, which was yesterday, the kid Ely hits the dugout with two outs :) and both benches clear as Russy Martin slides into second trying to break up a double play.. A walk off home run wins it.

I don't know much, but I know this team and its magic, every season brings something unexpected and spectacular.. They keep home alive and now that Dre is back, it's anyone's year!

2010-05-30T21:39:00.000-07:00

The most beautiful place in my world is Dodger Stadium. It really is a sliver of heaven right here on Earth. I feel like God gave us this gift to enjoy and share with us. When they boys are winning and the sun is shining, there is nowhere else I'd rather be. I don't know when this love affair began with this sport, this team.. But I know that it is in my blood and makes up the very fiber of my being. From April through October I am excited and happy. I will watch any game, at any time and be happy about it.

I remember being a teenage girl, my parents had split and I was angry at them both for reasons that I couldn't understand.. I did the bounce back between them and when I was with my Dad, there were moments that were strained. We would turn on the ball game and all of a sudden, the lines of communication were open... It's the magic of baseball. Recently, my sweet Mama has taken a huge interest in the sport and it is just about the cutest thing ever to witness her excitement and answer her questions.

I don't know much, but I do know this.. Any man that wants to roll with me must love baseball. He has to be able to understand the gorgeousness of a 6-4-3 double play, or be able to talk me down from the tower when anxiety about our struggling relief pitchers or trades keep me up at night. He has to not be afraid of my anger at a blown save and understand why I'm in a fetal position after a devastating playoff loss.

I'm an irrational Dodger fan. I know this about myself, I know that it is complete silliness to love Jeff Weaver... Completely banana sandwich to think that we should have held on to Juan Pierre and let Manny go bye bye.. I believe that Casey Blake's batting average is in direct proportion to the fullness of his beard and no matter how much I want to, I just can't muster too much faith in Ramon Truncoso...

My Heart Beats Baseball

2010-04-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

It's April.... April is magic to me. April begins the season of baseball... Baseball, a beautiful soap opera complete with sunflower seeds and statistics. The poetry of 6-4-3 double play, watching the infield shift to the right or the left, depending on which way the batter pulls the ball and then the ultimate slap.. an intentional walk. When Barry Bonds used to play, the bases would be loaded and they would intentionally walk him. They would WALK IN A RUN, the manager's thinking was that one run is better than 4 if he hit a home run.. Which, he probably would. Bonds hit a lot of those. Enough about him and the stinking Giants. It's in my blood to despise them, so I do. No other explanation necessary. I don't remember when I fell in love with this sport, or how I came to have such a passion for it, or at what age I became so emotionally invested in this team that when they lose, my heart actually hurts. Last year when Broxton blew the save against Philly, I hit my knees in distress. "There's always next year" started running through my head. I love baseball, I love the crack of the bat, the heckling of umpires, the smell of the stadium and the fact that to me, there is no better place on Earth than Dodger Stadium when the boys are winning. When the crowd is roaring and a home run gets hit, the place goes off. Tonight was special, tonight was Jackie Robinson night and all the teams wore #42 in his honor. Jackie was a Dodger and they pulled out a win tonight and that's no coincidence. Sometimes I wish that I was a normal girl who didn't care about a team or sports or winning a series, I wish that because it hurts bad when they lose.. But it's all good when we win again. Tonight was good, the bottom of the 10th inning, Blake Dewitt gets a base hit, the D backs intentionally walk Rafael Furcal to get to Andre Ethier. .. Let me repeat this.. they intentionally walked Furcal to get to Andre Ethier. For anyone reading this, Dre is a notoriously good clutch hitter. He had 6b game winning hits last season.. Six. And they walked someone to get to him, with runners in scoring position. Due to a wild pitch, Dewitt & Furcal advanced. Right handed pitcher faces left handed Dre and Dre belts one over the head of Chris Young. Dewitt scores, Dodgers win and everybody's happy. Tomorrow we face the G-Men.. ughhhhh division rivals and they always have our number... But for tonight I am going to sit back, relax and enjoy the small victory that just came our way. At age 10 I was jumping on our couch cause they had just one the world series.. 22 years ago... Who knows, maybe this is our year! I bleed Dodger Blue, I always have and I forever will.

Serendipity...

2010-01-04T19:37:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the sun shines when it's supposed to rain... Sometimes a connection is made when the moon is full and the night ends with a beautifully painted pink sky. Sometimes, you find the perfect place at the perfect time and someone says the perfect, sweetest words that you've ever heard. Sometimes the stars line up in perfect formation and God smiles on us and says " This is for you.. Enjoy" Sometimes you are giuded home by a light and greeted with a very loud train, sometimes things make sense that really have no business making sense. Sometimes we take chances... and sometimes they pay off...

Why Women Are An Optical Illusion

2010-01-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

I've put some serious thought into this matter.... Stay with me! Every morning I wake up, (Hopefully!) rub the sleep from my eyes, shake the dreams from my hair and set about my morning routine. The woman that greets me in the mirror is not the same one that faces the world every day. The personality is the same, feelings, emotions, all the things that make me me are there... but she looks quite different from the person you see at work, at play, at the gas station.. Wherever! It begins with makeup and hair, I fight with my hair every day to straighten out the wave that I inherited from my father, or I use a ton of product to enhance the natural curl that my mother has graced me with. Either way, it's not real. The color has been changed multiple times in 16 years, I think it was light brown once, but since I was a freshman, it has been, blue, purple, red, blond and finally blue/black... Next is makeup, foundation to cover the blemishes that I never had as a teenager, but as an adult, they pop up almost daily.. Like a new friend.. Joy. Eyeshadow to enhance my eye color, lipstick to make them appear more puffy and kissable :) Who doesn't want more kissable lips right?! the next step is clothing, a heftily padded bra to make it appear as if I have much more of a chest than I actually do.. Clothes that work for my curvy figure and last but certainly not least are shoes.... I stand 5'10" barefoot (according to my drivers license :)) and I tend to wear heels that make me about 6'2" or so... The girl who walks out the door is a tall, svelte made up lady who is ready to take on the world, she looks far different from the one who just woke up.
Why do we do it? Why do we put on the war paint and head out to do battle? Well, because it is a battle out there, we're fighting for jobs, men, to be taken seriously.. all of these things. We also feel better when we can out on a face and face the world.. Pardon my redundant use of the word face...
The illusion creates confidence, helps us to nurture that little girl inside who liked to play dress up. This past week, I was in close quarters with a guy who is prety special, and the idea of him seeing me without makeup was horrifying at first.. Until I realized that silliness was all in my head..
No matter how we face the world, we are all beautiful creatures of light. Women are magic and mystery, a pretty package to be unwrapped and discovered.. At the end of the day, when the pretty clothes come off, the war paint has been washed and my jammies are on, I realize that I'm just as comfortable with myself as I was before..
Weird food for thought, I've been going back and forth with this one for quite some time.

Life...

2009-12-23T12:40:00.000-08:00

Life happens when we're busy making other plans... I never plan anything that way life can just happen. This time of year is tough for a lot of people and I get that completely. It's hard for me too, I miss my friends and family that aren't with me anymore. I miss the fact that my parents aren't together and there's still a part of me that feels broken because of that fact. However, we have a reason to celebrate. The birth of a savior, the message of hope that brings to a world full of hopeless people. We are given a short time on this planet. The holiday season is to be rejoiced, but somehow, we've managed to turn it into a time of stress. On the phone with someone today and when I asked how her holidays were, she replied that she couldn't wait for them to be over! Be nice to one another people. When we reach the end of this road, the only thing that's left are the memories we've managed to make with the people who love us. Granted, I'm full of sunshine kisses most days, and I can see how that's irritating to some of you!! There's nothing wrong with being completely in love with the life that God has given you. My grandad used to tell us to "Enjoy your life" and I'd like to thank him for that advice and let him know that I am.

2009-12-18T23:52:00.001-08:00

Rejection sucks on so many levels... not a good time at all

A Moment

2009-11-12T23:38:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here with my dear friend, listening to music and laughing at insanity, staying in the moment. Life is a series of moments strung and threaded together to create a story. Life is talking to a cute boy until three am and letting him walk you to your car, facebooking your friends who are sitting right next to you :), singing Beatles songs with your mom at a piano bar, laughing with your dad... Playing trivial pursuit with your funny ass friends..my most important moment today was feeding my niece until she fell asleep in my arms. God I love that little baby. I never knew it was possible to love something as much as I love her. Every time I look at her, I start to cry... She's such a little miracle. God is good, He really is. He gives us little miracles, little signs that he's got our backs. Right now at this very moment, my friend is putting some really great music into a JoJo folder, music that he thinks I should lsiten to. I get to see a side of this person that I don't know if he shows all too often. It's kind of nice. I love my life. The last few months have been very strange and heartbreaking at times. Life and death have happened in abundance this year and I'm not sure how to take it all in, how to process everything that has happened. All I know how to do is get out of bed, hit my knees and thank God for giving me another day. Another day to experience another series of moments that may bring some joy, maybe some definitely some smiles and lots of love. Life is dancing until the AM!!!!!

Gone Too Soon

2009-08-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've written anything on here, I always intend to, but we all know about intentions. I feel compelled to write this today about another light that has left this world too soon. In recovery, we have heroes and he was one of mine. I can't believe that he is gone. I keep thinking that I will wake up and this horrible dream willm be over. I wonder sometimes what we're fighting for... I take comfort in knowing that I am not in this fight alone, I am so blessed to be loved and supported, and even more than that; that I am aware of the love that surrounds me. Did he forget how many people loved him? Did he forget that this too shall pass? I don't know, I will never be okay with losing people. I hope that I'm never so desensitized that death doesn't affect me. I know that he was an inspiration to me, that he helped my friends in this deal and that he had God-given talent that no one could touch. What sends us over the edge? What is the final straw in this life that will push us. I know now that we have no mental defense against that first hit.. The wolf is always at the door, just waiting to be let in. The monkey on my back is doing pushups, waiting for me to falter. We can't let up, I can't stop fighting. I'm trying to find reason in all of this and make sense of something that I don't understand. I guess that's human nature, to try and find reason in something unreasonable. May he Rest In Peace, and may his family and friends find comfort in the factm that he is with God, and he no longer has to wrestle with his demons.

Human Kindness

2009-01-06T00:13:00.000-08:00

I witnessed something tonight that goes beyond anything that I have ever seen before. It was a simple act of kindness, something that never would have occurred to me to do. I was in my Monday night meeting, this meeting is located in an area of town that's.. Well lets just say it's not the best :) When I arrived, there was a man outside, who was homeless and drinking. I paid him no attention and ducked inside from the cold.About midway through the meeting, the man came in and sat down on the floor. He was obviously drunk, but wanting to escape the cold, he came in to the room. That's when I saw something so beautiful, the closest thing that I've seen to Christ-like love in a very long time. A friend of mine who has been sober for 31 years, got up from his seat, got the man a cup of coffee and a slice of cake, gave it to him and sat back down. He did this without even thinking about it, it was like second nature to him. I remember when the man came in I thought to myself'"there but for the grace of God go I" I was selfishly thinking of myself and my friend was thinking of this man, cold,drunk,homeless and probably miserable. We live in a world where we hide behind computers and our cell phones; we disconnect from one another with text messaging and instant messages. We never really have to make contact with one another. And isn't that what life is really about? The impact that we have on others or that others have on us? When did we lose that? I've seen amazing things in my life. I have wonderful friends and family who have stood by me through the darkness and were there to help lift me into the light. I feel that was what my friend did tonight, he brought some light to this man whom I'm quite sure is living in darkness. We depend on our Internet and cells to get us through each day, when did we stop depending on the kindness of strangers? What I saw tonight was inspiring to me. I want to be better, to do better. To be more humble and not so self absorbed. I have friends who are struggling right now and I'm so grateful that I have the chance to stand up and be a friend to those very special people who are in turmoil. What I saw tonight was God's love in action through a wonderful man.... Someone who I kind of want to be like when I grow up

Staring at 30....

2008-12-26T12:01:00.000-08:00

In just about 48 hours I will be 30 years old. Ughhh, I'm excited because it's my birthday, but I have mixed emotions about being 30 in general. When my parents turned 30, I was 7 years old and they were buying their second home. Both owned their own businesses and had a great life. I myself have a great life, I just thought I'd be further along with it than I am now. Granted, I had to start life over at 26. I pretty much had to start from scratch when I got sober... but 30?! I never expected that I would live this long, and here it is... 30, I'm staring at it like I'm looking down the barrel of a gun. No boyfriend,no husband and no kids. I have almost 4 years of recovery under my belt, a great job and a happy wonderful amazing life.... So what am I bitching about?! I recently "broke up" with my significant other. we had been seeing one another for about 3 months or so, which, by the way is an excellent amount of time to get to know someone.He's a great guy, just not the one for me.. I need a spiritual connection with someone, and we didn't have that.
I refuse to try and force something that isn't there, but yet another relationship has failed. I have to hold onto the hope that God has someone planned for my. My girls say that I already know him, I just don't know it yet... Interesting. So here I am, 2 days away from being dirty 30 and not a whole lot to show for it...At least not by society's standards anyway, by my own standards, I'm doing alright :) A hell of a lot better than I ever was before anyway.
Sometimes life throws a curve ball, and after a couple of swings and misses, I hit it just enough to get on base...

Missing

2008-12-17T13:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes people have left my life and I have thought to myself,"Self, we had fun while we were together" Or some other equally deep thought. my point is there are a couple of people who meant the world to me and we went on different paths. That's okay, that's life and that's what happens. However, in the last week, one of those people has come back in my life with a vengeance and I'm not really sure how to take it. I miss him deeply and I've always held on to him in some abstract way, but now here he is, asking for my friendship again. So my heart and my head are going crazy with wonder, is there a chance, is that what I even want.... I don't know

A Reason, A Season, Or A Lifetime

2008-12-11T18:37:00.000-08:00

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. However, everyone that comes into our lives has some impact, some purpose, some lesson to teach. Usually the lesson comes later, much to my chagrin, I seem to learn things only after it's too late :) There are many people in my life that have come and gone, some are still there and have been for more than 20 years. They say if you can go through life with one true friend you are lucky, well I have that. I'm blessed enough to have had the same best friend since I was born, we are going on 30 years of solid true friendship. I look at the history I have with people and I'm amazed. I'm amazed that we still talk haha, I'm amazed at whatever thread is still holding us in each others life. I'm amazed at how much things seem to change but in reality how much they stay the same....
I have gotten to live 2 lives in 1 lifetime. Cats have 9 lives... Joey has had 2 thus far. I'm staring at 30 like I'm looking down the barrel of a gun and all I can do is reflect on the changes that have taken place in the last 4 years. I was unemployable, alone and living in my own prison, I was a slave to alcohol and drugs and wondering just how in the hell I had gotten there. I had no idea how I went from being a good kid with a bright future to living like an animal. I drank and used drugs like it was my job. It started out fun, I had a good time at first, but slowly as the years passed, I slipped deeper and deeper into oblivion. I lost a lot, rather, I gave away a lot. I didn't lose anything really, I chose to let those things go because I chose a life of peril. Actually, drugs and alcohol took away my power of choice, I lost that too. I was a slave in every sense of the word. God gave me an opportunity and I took it, I attacked my chance at new life with every fiber of my being and you know what? It's better than I could have ever imagined. I have been given a gift, and I choose not to waste that today. Today I choose life, I wake up every morning and I make a conscious choice to live my life sober. I have an awesome family,amazing friends, a sweetheart, a rad job. I am happy, truly happy. I'm a functioning, productive member of society. Things just keep getting better. That's not to say that life doesn't happen or that I don't get sad, because I do. There has been much pain and suffering over the last few years, I've buried people that I love, I've weathered the storm of heartbreak, but I haven't had to struggle alone, I have God's love carrying me through any storm that comes in life. I have a beautiful set of friends that are there to help me walk through whatever life has in store. We weren't meant to fight our battles alone, that's why God gave us each other. This is the time of year to reflect, to experience true gratitude for the life that I have today...

Twilight

2008-11-22T17:15:00.000-08:00

I went and saw the movie Twilight last night, it's caught hell from the critics, but I loved it, so did my good friend who was with me. The movie is based on the first book of an amazing series by Stephanie Meyers. It's about a young girl who moves to the pacific northwest and falls in love with a vampire, yes it's hokey! Sometimes it's fun to lose yourself in the impossible, to fall in love with a perfect being that we all know doesn't exist. Whether you're 13 or 43, trust me, you will fall in love with Edward Cullen. He's the ultimate dream guy, good looking, protective, funny and completely and totally unreal!! I think that's why I got so into these books; it gave me a chance to escape reality without the use of mind altering substances. I'm that woman who still loves Disneyland and fairy tales, who can completely lose herself in a good book. I finished all 4 of these books within 2 weeks. I would read until the wee hours of the morning, bring the book to work and read all through my lunch break. I now have to read them all again. this is one of those things that you just don't want to end!! It's fun to dream, I think that it's wonderful to still have fun with things like this, vampire love stories :) I will probably go see the movie again, and of course buy the DVD as soon as it comes out. As I write this, my perfectly wonderful boyfriend is asleep on the couch and I find myself wishing that he was a vampire!! Not really of course. He's fantastic... But in the undying words of Cyndi Lauper, "Girls just wanna have fun" And that's what these books, this movie, was. A chance for this girl to have fun, a chance to escape the nasty times that we are living in and a chance to believe the impossible... If only for a few hours!

I love my friends

2008-11-15T13:10:00.000-08:00

I have a blessed life, no matter what happens in the next few months at work, I am truly blessed and charmed. Not one day goes by that I don't thank God for the blessings in my life. I had a great night last night, I went to a meeting, had a great dinner with my friend and then on my way home stopped and saw my girls. These women have been by my side for more than a decade. They say if you get through life with one good friend that you are lucky. I have like 5 amazing women in my life who I know will always be there. We've been through a lot together. They saw me struggle with substance abuse and stood by me while I fought that battle, I've seen them get married, have kids, split up, remarry and raise their children beautifully. It's amazing to me how life comes full circle. It's wonderful in a place so close to Las Vegas, that's full of fake superficial people that I have this crew around me. True friends aren't the ones you call to bail you out of jail, true friends are the ones sitting in the cell with you saying "damn, oh well it was worth it!"

Ch ch changes!

2008-11-12T20:57:00.000-08:00

I am a native of Southern Nevada, having spent most of my life here; I have witnessed many things come and go, many changes in this city of sin. Is there anyone here that really loves it? Does anyone love Vegas? Or are we all here for some reason, as a means to an end? Something always brings me back. I escaped for a few years to sunny San Diego, I found much needed rest and relaxation and was able to get myself grounded for a while. when I finally came back here I felt ready. I have a whole new respect for this place. Vegas kicked my sweet ass and quickly. i was one of the lucky ones, I was able to get a handle on my insane life and come back here with a new found freedom. I have a love/hate relationship with this place that I call home, don't most people? I am conflicted, there's things that I love here, my family,my job. Then there's everything that I hate, but that's not just Vegas, that's most places in the fake plastic society that we live in today. when are people going to realize that it's not about money or stuff or the car you drive? Life is about the things we do when we are here. I'm going off on a bit of a tangent here, I realize this, however, there are certain things that matter and many things that don't. In times such as these that we live in, I feel it's important to focus on the things that matter, our family, our friends the love we have in our lives. Hug the people you love, tell them what they mean to you.... The wolf is always at the door.
Goodnight