Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Beware!!!! Super rambly post ahead ;-)

I spend a lot of time in the car. For the record, I LOVE my car. It's vain and ridiculous but I love it. ANYWAY - I do some of my best thinking while driving and listening to music that stirs my soul, and today on my morning commute I was reflecting on how damn lucky I am to live the life that I live. The world is burning, and there is so much ugliness out there. I'm not getting into it here, because we all read the same feeds on the book of face and the twitters and the snappy chattys. There's no need for me to dissect it all. If you read this, or you know me at all, you know I lean left.

I am coming out of the worst depression of my life. PTSD & high anxiety absolutely crippled me from 2015 on. My go-to coping skills used to be drugs, booze, and sex, but I never had to deal with anything real before. So, when life hit me over the head with Thor's hammer, I didn't know what to do with myself. Prayer, meditation and meetings gave me a little bit of peace, but the pain that I was in was immeasurable. I ate my feelings and spent too much money on crap I didn't need just so that I could feel better for five fucking minutes. As a result, I'm heavier than I have ever been and I've got some substantial debt. But these are things that I can fix. And for the first time in a long time, I want to. I'm ready to make the changes that I need to make in order to be my best self. I've set some goals already - finishing my book and getting a new job, and these are goals that I've reached, and it feels good! Setting attainable goals, conquering them, this has done WONDERS for my self esteem. I'm back on a healthy eating plan, and paying down my debt as best as I can. I'm pretty open about who I am and the stuff I go through, life is messy, and weird and needs to be talked about. We all put up our highlight reel and that's what we show the world, but my highlight reel has some glitches in it, and those glitches have made me who I am.

But this is all old news to anyone who follows me or reads this stream of consciousness. It's been 2 years since I left Zappos, and just like I stumbled into that job, I've stumbled my way into this one too. It's kinda perfect. Beautiful, messy, and fitting.

I can't describe how it feels to feel like myself again. For so long, I was a shell. And there's a few people who carried me through that. We weren't meant to walk this world alone and I literally have NO idea how I got so lucky as to have the relationships that I have, but I'm forever in gratitude about it. I think that that's something that we all need to remember, especially now when things in the world are so uncertain and scary.

I'm grateful for my sobriety, I have felt awkward, insecure, and uncomfortable in my skin for as long as I can remember and getting sober changed a lot of that for me. I'm always grateful for my Dude. Everyone that I ever "dated" told me that I was too much. Too loud, too opinionated, too extra, just too. And Philly has accepted me exactly as I am from jump, he challenges me in the best ways, and he makes me want to be better. My Dad, my constant strength in this life. He forever has my back, has always been present. I married a rockstar dude because I had a rockstar Dad. I have the best friends in the whole wide world, seriously. Both in person and online, my friends believe in me, and give me the strength I need to face every day. My authors and books have given me a much needed escape and a safe community where I feel okay not being okay. I'm grateful for great music that sounds great loud as hell, and my midlife crisis car.

I feel like this is similar to my last post, but I don't care. It's important to me to counter all the yuck in the world with something loving. I say this ALL THE TIME and it will never ever not be true, I have been blessed with abundance, and born into privilege that I absolutely do not deserve. I strive every day to be a better human, and to make my little corner of the world a better place. Thank you to each and every soul who has stood by me and guided me on this journey.

2 comments:

lili li said...

I found your post helpful and inspiring.

Joanna Blue said...

Thank you for reading 💜❤💜❤