You learn not to look when you wander the hospital halls. Seeing people in various stages of ailment - you don't wanna look. Keep the eyes forward or the sunglasses on, hold your head up. The business of sickness . . . Lots of watching, and waiting, and breaking. It's a weird, and sad, and unsettling part of life. Smiling nurses, shrewd doctors - I wait and wait and then wait some more. Going through this with my Mama . . . It's like I'm half in my life and half in hers. I'm scared to go anywhere, to not be here because what if . . . What if what if what if . . . Life is happening. Life is in session. My life is in a massive upheaval and transition right now. I have a weird sense of peace about all of it. My emotions are allover the damn place and it's gonna be that way for a while. I'm grateful for my man, my friends, my family and all the support and love around me. I've got it better than I deserve, that's for sure.
This business of an ailing parent . . . It's brutal. I hate it. It's soul crushing. So what do I do? Word vomit on a page that not many will read, but I get it out. Purge my hurt so that I can show up, stand up, and be the daughter that she needs me to be.